Should my working adult stepdaughter contribute to bills and chores?

[Marigh20]

I have an adult stepdaughter who will soon be 21 my partner doesnt think we should be asking her to contribute to bills as she is working and is paying the finance on her car and needs money to be eating out with friends buying clotjes and paying for holidays with her friends, this is causing arguments as he allows her to do what she wants in the house and she doesnt do any household chores at all she expects to have her dinner cooked and her washing done and to do what she wants with her money, my partner cooks her meals and washes her clothes.
Am I being unreasonable that I expect her to contribute to bills especially when she is earning £1700 per month ?

If your partner is paying her way he should be paying 2/3 not 1/2.

Did you have any conversations about her contributions when she moved in op? Was she already working full time then?

your responses are all quite vague so it is hard to know the entire picture between him being a cock lodger who is using you completely, through to him being a wonderful father who is trying to help his dd because she struggles. We don’t know enough to properly answer.

Is she working for full time? Or part time while studying? In a well paid job or MW? This would effect what she should pay but I would expect some household chores to be done either way

Is she working for full time? Or part time while studying? In a well paid job or MW? This would effect what she should pay but I would expect some household chores to be done either way

He’s setting her up to fail doing this. She should be cooking own food and cleaning her own clothes. Contributing to the household even if you don’t need the money. You could easily save it for her without her knowing. Since she’s your step daughter I would stay out of it and watch the fall out. It won’t be your problem later on. It will be his.

She absolutely should be paying board she can't go about earning £1700 per month and expect to live for free. She earns more than I do in my job she can definitely afford it. She has a cheek at 21 to think she's entitled to live at yours and not even contribute to any household chores either. Wonder if she left her mum's house due to her mum asking her for financial contributions to live under her roof?

Yes! Even if that money is just put away for her to purchase her own home (if affordable of course!) … when you earn you need to realise that a chunk goes on rent/mortgage and bills

All my four children paid keep , now they are in their 30’s they have great jobs and own their homes because they know the value of money. Your stepdaughter earns more than me and I work full time as a cook in a care home and I have to pay bills !! Your partner is doing her no favours

There are loads of different issues here that need unpicking

1. do you need the money, because that makes a real difference. If it means you are short then she needs to pony up. But if you can afford an extra adult then I think it’s a bit mean on £1700 a month to take money off her. ( I have one of my adult dc home atm, i do not take money off him because he is saving for a house deposit, but yes he also goes out and has holidays etc)
2. what would you do if it were your own dc, do you have any of similar age? I can see how it would grate if you haven’t been in her life very long and she isn’t “easy” company
3. either way she definitely should be helping. We don’t have rotas or assigned chores but absolutely everyone bigger than a baby living in the house is expected to help.

All adults should contribute - especially to chores

She should be paying rent and if your husband feels generous he could keep it aside and surprise her with it when she’s looking to move out.

bills, i would expect her to contribute but understand some parents dont want to. chores - no question. of course she should be doing chores split between theee of you adults!

A very well kept lodger, at that

Your house? And you aren’t married?

DP is the piss. She starts paying or they can both piss off and live somewhere else.

Hi @Marigh20 .

Your SD absolutely should be contributing financially, even if it's only a token amount of £50 a week.

She also should be doing some chores, as well as, obviously, her own washing.

Why does your DP think she shouldn't pay anything? And why does he do her washing and cook her meals?!

Does your 15yr old have to do chores?
If they do, then that must cause tension between them and SD.
If they don't, why not?

There should be the same expectations of both SD and your DC in terms of chores.

Of course she should be contributing both. He’s just creating a lazy, entitled brat otherwise.
She should be doing her share of chores - her own laundry, making dinner a couple nights per week, and contributing to general household chores.
She should be paying towards bills. Depending on how much you need the money, part or all of it could be put aside for whenever she is ready to buy a house.

When I grew up the general rule was a third. Whatever we earned a third went to parents in rent, third for fun and a third for saving. I think it was a sound way to get us used to leaving home! She's 21, she most certainly should be mucking in with chores and bills. You cook for her? Then she washes up. It's very simple.

Yes, she should be contributing, especially now she is twenty one.

When you say that your dp allows her to do what she wants, what do you mean? Why didn’t you set house rules earlier? Maybe time to have a big family conversation about how it’s going to be from now on onwards, and now she’s an adult, she’s got to act like one.

Incidently, does dp do his own washing as well. Must admit, I do my young adult dc washing as it’s easier to chuck it all in together, but he does cook quite often, and pay a token amount each month.

What is her long term plan? When will she be looking to move out? Has she even looked at the cost of housing, how much mortgage she will be able to obtain, renting costs? This is a much needed conversation.

Your Dh is failing her. Ds1 is 23, has been at home for almost 2 years post uni and knows that his salary only gets him X so the way to get a better or bigger house is to have a massive deposit.

He doesn't pay any money to us but he has a LISA, ISAs and savings accounts with tens of thousands in them. His goal is to move out in 2 years or less. He also does chores as a member of this household like unpack the dishwasher, does his own laundry, cooks family meals and puts the bins out.

Your Dh isn't teaching her to budget her money. It is pretty much guaranteed that when she moves out she will not have all of her wages to spend how she pleases. She will have bills and responsibilities. It is usually these children that move out, end up in arrears, move back home and then find it harder to leave again as they have shafted their credit score.

She is using his kindness, he is a sucker. She should be paying something as this isn't her parents' house, she has a step parent who shouldn't be covering her financially. It also does not set a great example for the other child in the house.

She’s taking the piss. Adults who only earn minimum wage should be prioritising rents and bills before eating out with friends and holidays. Being 21 isn’t an excuse to spend every penny you earn on fun stuff.

Yes she pays rent and yes she contributes towards chores.

You are sensible as is your child.
OP is sensible too but it doesn’t sound like her DSD is saving up for a house! OP says she’s spending her money on eating out and holidays.
If she was saving up to buy a house, I’d say she should expect a token amount towards the bills and groceries (like £100-200/month) but expect her to pull her weight when it comes to chores.

I agree with this.
when he is doing her cooking and laundry does it impact you or take him away from things he should be doing for you /you as a couple? If not then let him crack on with his weird hobby

Chuck her out if it's your house. I would. Entitled brat.

do you have a mortgage?

if you & partner are splitting bills 50/50 then you are each effectively paying for your own child!

if your hubby is cooking her food, washing her clothes then he is making his own rod for his back.

i don’t think you should be asking SD to contribute. When your son gets a job will you be wanting money & to stop cooking & washing his clothes?

I mean if you need the money then thats a different story. You & your partner seem to maybe have slightly different parenting styles