im at a real loss what to make of this situation.
I am bio mother. Bio father and partner have lived together 5yrs so not a stranger to our child. Boundaries were established early days which my main one was I am mother and I have an amazing co parenting existence for the most part. Step mother has decided not to have children reasons unknown. The last 5 yrs small issues have cropped up where mostly she feels left out which I have always tried to address and “fix” to keep the happy balance. A few weeks ago whilst at a sporting event which she also attended I commented on my child’s stubbornness and said I wonder where he gets that from. I was fully suggesting his father who is most definitely the most stubborn person I know. I was expecting the whole oh god yes totally but instead got the answer well definitely not me. She was being entirely serious. I didnt address it and just let it go.
fast forward to this week. Mother’s Day and my child was on a face time with his father. I didn’t hear the conversation as I was in another room but as I came into the room saw my son was super uncomfortable.
after the call I asked whats up why did dad call and he replied I can’t remember. I decided to try again later as I could see he was anxious. Anyway over dinner we got talking about Mother’s Day and how I loved my gift and card and I could see the same look pass over his face so probed did you get step mum a gift too.
it all came out he’d been forced to choose a gift which was then doubled so one for me one for her and he felt it was so disrespectful to me and the same thing happened last year. I calmly asked him what he wanted to do. His reply I want to acknowledge what she does for me but not on Mother’s Day. We did alittle research together and found a step parent day which he was happy to do and I said I will give him the money and take him to choose a gift when the time came.
Now inside I was not happy -son being so upset then my boundaries had been overstepped and it also felt like this was all behind my back so I arranged a meeting with both dad and step mom. Dad was apologetic , step mom was defensive she had been the one to ask for the Mother’s Day acknowledgment so dad obliged . I took the opportunity to re go over boundaries which I seem to do every year anyway Christmas/birthdays she was adamant she didn’t go over boundaries so I gave examples where I have not said anything but she clearly had and one of those examples included the comments at the side of a pitch. She absolutely stood by the fact my child takes after her and being a bio mom means nothing and the whole argument over nature vs nurture came up. I’m really conflicted what to do next. They have left it that any big decisions in future they will let me know first due to my son getting stressed. My gut is telling me this lady is crazy and will never respect my boundaries. me and dad never argue we split up over 10yrs ago so it’s only when she is demanding changes. She doesn’t get involved with any day to day care or school/ medical but continually try’s to get into the decision making. During our meeting she brought up her decision to not have a child so the only “paren role” she will have is with mine.
help !