Step mother over stepping

[TheAgileBee]

im at a real loss what to make of this situation.

I am bio mother. Bio father and partner have lived together 5yrs so not a stranger to our child. Boundaries were established early days which my main one was I am mother and I have an amazing co parenting existence for the most part. Step mother has decided not to have children reasons unknown. The last 5 yrs small issues have cropped up where mostly she feels left out which I have always tried to address and “fix” to keep the happy balance. A few weeks ago whilst at a sporting event which she also attended I commented on my child’s stubbornness and said I wonder where he gets that from. I was fully suggesting his father who is most definitely the most stubborn person I know. I was expecting the whole oh god yes totally but instead got the answer well definitely not me. She was being entirely serious. I didnt address it and just let it go.

fast forward to this week. Mother’s Day and my child was on a face time with his father. I didn’t hear the conversation as I was in another room but as I came into the room saw my son was super uncomfortable.
after the call I asked whats up why did dad call and he replied I can’t remember. I decided to try again later as I could see he was anxious. Anyway over dinner we got talking about Mother’s Day and how I loved my gift and card and I could see the same look pass over his face so probed did you get step mum a gift too.
it all came out he’d been forced to choose a gift which was then doubled so one for me one for her and he felt it was so disrespectful to me and the same thing happened last year. I calmly asked him what he wanted to do. His reply I want to acknowledge what she does for me but not on Mother’s Day. We did alittle research together and found a step parent day which he was happy to do and I said I will give him the money and take him to choose a gift when the time came.

Now inside I was not happy -son being so upset then my boundaries had been overstepped and it also felt like this was all behind my back so I arranged a meeting with both dad and step mom. Dad was apologetic , step mom was defensive she had been the one to ask for the Mother’s Day acknowledgment so dad obliged . I took the opportunity to re go over boundaries which I seem to do every year anyway Christmas/birthdays she was adamant she didn’t go over boundaries so I gave examples where I have not said anything but she clearly had and one of those examples included the comments at the side of a pitch. She absolutely stood by the fact my child takes after her and being a bio mom means nothing and the whole argument over nature vs nurture came up. I’m really conflicted what to do next. They have left it that any big decisions in future they will let me know first due to my son getting stressed. My gut is telling me this lady is crazy and will never respect my boundaries. me and dad never argue we split up over 10yrs ago so it’s only when she is demanding changes. She doesn’t get involved with any day to day care or school/ medical but continually try’s to get into the decision making. During our meeting she brought up her decision to not have a child so the only “paren role” she will have is with mine.

help !

Thank you and totally agree it could be so much worse and my son not liking her - which is the most import part he does like her and she adores him. He’s luckily he has a lot of love and you couldn’t ask for more for a child.
I don’t say anything because really it would get me no where and only brought it up as I was asked for examples -
as you can guess it was up there in my head living rent free. I try not to sweat the small stuff for the calm I have in the whole co parenting thing. I’m scared though what’s next as the comments unnerved me. I don’t think there’s anymore events in the year left now that’s she’s not liked how we did it so fingers crossed.

Absolutely not begrudging her a Mother’s Day gift at all and if my son wants to give her one he can. The post is about him not wanting to me navigating that and the response she gave me which made me feel uncomfortable. I acknowledge all that she does. Celebrate her birthday always buy her a Xmas gift and include her and manage her feelings to make her comfortable with the dynamics. Iv never gotten her a Mother’s Day gift because it’s never crossed my mind too but again it’s not me she’s asked it from.
I think dad should be doing this not me , he can always get a gift from him perhaps and there’s a day in September for step parents that she will now be getting a thank you gift and card. I don’t think any of what is done and being done is begrudging. She’s an important part of my sons life and I have gone above and beyond to make her comfortable I’m just not sure what else I’m supposed to do.

You'd be surprised view many SMs get so upset about this. Every year on a popular stepparent forum, I see SMs posting about not receiving a card, a gift or being acknowledged on mother's day.

I do think if a SM does significant parenting, her partner should acknowledge her in some way, but the acknowledgement should happen all year round for SMs from their partners.

I say that, because they don't have to do what they do. Parents are expected to take care of their kids.

My step kids are with us 50% and I do all their meals, washing, take them places, play with them etc. My DH definitely shows appreciation but I’d still never expect a Mother’s Day card!

Nothings perfect and I think in situations like this you take the rough with the smooth

as for the Mother’s Day present he probably felt disloyal to you about it

blended families can be a rough ride for kids and she sounds nothing but interested,loving and supportive to him

By the sounds of it he’s the closest thing she ever going to to have to a child be grateful your sons got another person in there corner

Just to say, she probably never had children due to fertility issues. Very few people opt to be childfree then get with someone with a three year old.

This I don’t know. I had fertility issues though with FSH and hormones and was starting IVF. The cycle before I was due to start clomid by some miracle I got pregnant.
son was also around 7yrs
old when they met and moved in together pretty much straight away. I know They was talking about starting a family in the earlier days as she asked me loads of questions.i do get on fine with her.
i have never asked why and wouldn’t dream of as it’s not my business but this occassion she made it clear she was never having children due to her age now and about my child being her only chance of parental role.

I think just be glad he has someone else in his life who cares for him - he's a lucky lad.

There is nothing weird about thinking that children pick up habits from adults who care for them.
If DS doesn't want to give her a mother's day card he should say so and be supported.
TBH you sound a bit obsessed bu this relationship. It sounds pretty good on the whole, and your boundaries are not necessarily relevant when he's with his dad. Just step back and let things unfold. DS will be a teenager soon and probably disenchanted with the lot of you!

Sad situation. I can understand how your son felt conflicted around the MD gift but sounds like you did a great job talking to him about it.

The stubbornness comment is strange and demonstrates clearly that she has some sense of grandeur (for want of a better word) and is detatched from reality about her place in his world. I’d be worried about the effect this could have on your son. Not trying to scare monger and I’m sure at 12 he can sense and sympathise with her feelings of loss of not having a child but it’s not really his problem. You’d really hope that however hard it is for her she’d put your son first by not making him feel uncomfortable.

What I’d be aiming for would be her to understand that her overstepping makes it difficult for your child. And encourage her to demonstrate ger affection to him with boundaries that put him first.

This sounds as if it is being pressed by his Dad, not his Step mother

Obviously the later conversation made clear that she does think she has an influence on your son, however at the pitch itself, the answer "Definitely not me" is surely the right answer? Because DS definitely didn't get it from her because she's not his mum. So I found it odd that you'd react to that like it's overstepping. If she'd said "he gets it from me" that would be weirder. Just because you expected her to start bitching about your ex's stubborness doesn't make her wrong for not mindreading that.

But anyway, on the bigger picture, your DS shouldn't be made uncomfortable, though I think she's enough a part of his life to get some kind of acknowledgement and not to get into brinksmanship over who his actual mum is. No one's questioning that it's you so you are fully secure in that role and have all the cards in a way she'll never have. I wouldn't assume she chose not to have kids, esp from the way she said about this being her only parenting role. More likely that she's unable to and is making the best of it and is sensitive.

Overall it sounds like a good relationship/set-up and your ex and DS value you, so I would feel secure in that and keep communicating so DS is not upset by it again. There'll always be times when things get unbalanced, but I wouldn't say she's loopy or anything unless there's a lot more to it.

Step mum here. Nature v nuture question. I looked after my two DSS from an early age - Mum had walked away. They are now mid-teens. They have definitely picked up some of my habits/traits/sayings - not by 'force' but by simple proximity and learned behaviours. So they are now a mix of nature (both parents) and nurture (DF & SM) with not too much of that side from DM. And me - I love them to bits!

You’re doing a great job keeping the balance in the relationships. Stepmom will need a gentle reminder periodically, as you have done, to stay in her lane as you have stayed in yours. Sometimes it might get awkward and you’ll just have to deal with it as it comes.

Why not just be grateful that your son has someone else in his life who seems to love him. It seems you are making a drama for the sake of it.

If in general you co parent well I personally would just let this all go. Nothing is ever perfect and it seems silly to rock the boat. Msgbe speak to ex and say that he should ask son’s thoughts on special days and hiow he wants to celebrate them.

Maybe just consider how lucky you and your son are that his stepmum cares so much about him? She could be so much worse!

I couldn’t get wound up about my DS getting hid SM a Mother’s Day card and gift. I’d want him to know that he had my ‘permission’ so that he would have the relief of not feeling awkward about it or torn in his loyalties.

Just be happy that your son has 3 people in his life who love and look after him.
You do come across as enjoying a little drama. Maybe take a step back as it does sound as though you are over invested in your ex and his partner’s life.

Reading your posts OP, it seems as if the issue is that the SM seems to think that she should be equal to you in terms of value to your DS.

Her insistence on being recognised on Mother’s Day, her suggestion that nurture is as much of an influence as nature, and especially her getting upset that your DS was more interested in you than her when you’re both in the room - these are the things that would make me uncomfortable. It’s great that she has a good relationship with your DS but she doesn’t seem to understand that you’ll always come first as you’re his mum!

For the sake of your DS I’d try and avoid any drama but I’d think very carefully about what events she’s invited to. It’s not fair for your DS to be made to feel guilty or torn in two when you’re both in the room. I was put in that position as a child and it’s really awful. Not that you’re doing that but she’s done it once and may do it again. That’s just not fair on your DS. Acknowledging her on stepparents day is lovely and appropriate. I’d just maybe dial down her involvement if you can, subtly and without drama.

This struck a chord with me too! My adult dd is much more like her stepdad than her bio Dad in so many ways. So many people comment on it, that it really highlighted the whole nature/nurture thing for me.

That aside, your ds’s step mum definitely sounds tricky! The Mother’s Day thing was massively unfair on your son.

She needs to be reminded although she takes her role as step mum seriously in that she isn't mum and those boundaries are there for a reason.
Maybe in this situation it isn't a bad thing to keep reminding her of the line in the sand she won't be crossing .
I'd feel the same as you.

If she’s cooking and cleaning up after your son then she’s taking care of basic needs, driving places aren’t basic needs they are next level kind of. I suspect she is doing a lot more for your ds than you are giving her credit for.

thankfully my dsds mum acknowledged that it was me behind the scenes facilitating everything rather than claiming basic needs” didn’t include nutrition’

By the way you sound like an amazing mum I've read through the responses the one about her feeling left out when it's your sons birthday is bothersome to me.
No one has to be tiptoeing around her feelings on your sons special day .
That's overstepping you are his mum your son sounds like a lovely kid but maybe at his age now he is drawing his own line in the sand in that you are his mum his no1 and having feelings himself in thinking hang on step away please your my dad's partner not my mum.

You sound very reasonable and she sounds a bit problematic. At 12 I would coach your son to talk to her. Tell her how much he appreciates and values her and because of this would prefer to give her her own special step Mother’s Day.