Sponsoring kids disagreement

[TossaCointoyerWitcha]

DS (age 10) is taking part in a “sponsored bounce” - his mum and her partner have sponsored him separately and asked if my DP of three years would be willing to as well. DP doesn’t have kids herself and was surprised to be asked. I made it clear it wouldn’t have to be anything other than something perfunctory however she believes a) since we are a couple I should pay the sponsorship on behalf of us both and b) DS is benefitting from have his parents separately sponsoring him anyway so her and his mum’s partner sponsoring him as well would be an advantage other kids don’t have.

I do see her logic, however part of me feels a bit sad - he’s a kid wanting to do something for charity and it’s not like he regularly does sponsored events (the last was two years ago before DP was introduced). It’s not about the cost - if it were me or indeed, his mum’s DP we’d think “bless him” and not give it a second thought.

For context, DP and I live separately and she is only involved in DS’s life in as much as she pops round when they’re around sometimes and we do celebrations, trips to festivals, etc together. I coparent 50% time and don’t lean on her for parental support. She is very much “Dad’s special friend”.

Can any step-parents help me navigate this? Have you encountered similar?

Sounds like the OP is picking and choosing how much of a role the partner has though. You mentioned they wanted more of a step parent role...I assume you said no. They've said no to donating on their own, they aren't a step parent by boundaries clearly set. Maybe if they have a more inclusive role in the future they will feel differently about these things. You seem to have made those boundaries quite clear from your post?

Why is it? Why should she give money to get boyfriends kid?

From your OP, it sounds as though your child's mum and her partner have suggested that your partner contributes - if that is the case, then I would imagine it is the fact that they are making financial demands on her that is the problem.

Do you know Ex’s partner has definitely contributed? Just that if it was mine, I would often put both our names on separately to look like more names (have even done parents names too before now lol) then I just pay all the money. Keeps the kids happy as they think everyone has sponsored them but I’ve not bothered anyone by asking. Simpler for me.

They're asking for £2 or something like that, not a deposit for a house.

Charity.
She's giving money to Charity.

That's a bit mean. DS asked a neighbour if she would sponsor him for a Scouts fund raising walk, her adult daughter was at home and also sponsored him separately. It's what nice grown ups do, isn't it?

This is when I know I’ve been awake far too long. I read the title as meaning people were sponsoring sides in the kids’ argument 🙄

I think your partner is being mean, your child is raising funds for a charity!

Your girlfriend is not nice and rather mean spirited.
I wouldn't want someone like that near my children.
Well done to your son for his endeavours.
When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

I think she is being mean. If al child asked me to sponsor them for a charity my default would be yes.

I guess she is setting a boundary that the expectation is you cover child related admin and finances ‘from’ you as a couple. Would she get your kids their own bday present or do you do it? Do you get her mum a birthday present just from you or does she organize it? If her brother was running a marathon would you do your own donation or would she send something ‘from’ the two of you?

if she doesn’t have kids of her own she probably doesn’t want to start with stuff like this as there is always something, constant admin

Most people would sponsor a neighbour's child or a friend's so I don't see why she shouldn't sponsor her boyfriends. Unless she is struggling financially.

She’s giving you a clear signal that she doesn’t want a supporting role in your dcs lives, so keep her away from them. If she had the right intentions towards them she’d be happy to be asked, not baffled. She seems to want things both ways - involved enough that she is considered your partner with joint finances at the same time as not being willing to do something small that would make your child feel valued by her. Her comments about your children having an advantage over others when they have the clear disadvantage of being brought up across two homes shows very little insight into the reality of being in a step family.

id expect my DH to increase his donation and make it in both our names.

not difficult, surely.

I'm not a step parent but I find it really weird that she refused to sponsor him - assuming she doesn't have money problems (and I don't think you'd have asked her if she did?), it wouldn't take much to bung him a couple of quid. I would do that for a friend's child, let alone a partner's.

She sounds really mean, but you can't demand that she sponsors him, so there is nothing you can do.

I wouldn't be referring to her as a step parent though... she is making it very clear that she doesn't want that kind of role. I would be limiting contact with your dc personally.

I find it quite sad that you even need to ask this, but if you don't instinctively know why it would be mean to refuse to give a couple of quid in sponsorship to the 10yo child of someone very close to you so that the child can raise money for charity, then I don't suppose you will ever understand.

She doesn't have to give him anything, of course. But it speaks volumes about who she is as a person, and she would not be the type of person that I would ever want around my dc.

Christ, she sounds like a petty twat who is using a child and their sponsorship form to make a narky point about being ‘a couple’ which is in any case a fucking stupid point anyway. She sounds like hard work.

They’re not married. She’s not a step-parent. As far as the kid is concerned, she’s ’Dad’s special friend’ according to the OP. So I wouldn’t expect them to be doing that kind of thing jointly, really.

Ewww, you are surrounded by red flags here. What a turn off they are 🤑

ok - so personally I would sponsor any friends child for a charity event but this isn't really about that is it...

You called her your partner and “Dad’s special friend” in the same post - which is it?

She wanted to take up more of a stepparent role and you said no but then asked her to sponsor your child....

Perhaps she's not clear what role you and your child want her to play.

Are you?

I'd put her in the bin OP.

1. She is clearly to selfish to have a child in her life whether that be as a SC or her own.
2. What a bore. Your DS is doing something for charity it's admirable and parents sponsoring separately is no different to say a child who has multiple aunts and uncles or grandparents and one who doesn't.

I'd stick her down for a coupe of quid and pay it yourself to save your child being upset or any awkward questions for yourself from DS mum and partner. But I would seriously reconsider the future in this relationship as it will not get better. If your happy with something casual and keep son and her separate then fine but if you're looking for more long term commitment I think your with the wrong person.

Can I ask how old your DP is just out of interest?

Why is his mum asking about her, with you acting as her go-between? Surely you’re able to make your own decision about how to handle this as a couple?

I hate these sponsorship things and tend to just pay whatever is needed instead of sending my kids out to ask for donations from their or my friends.

its fair enough that she doesn’t want engage. Personally I’d then put in whatever the other ‘side’ put in to keep it equal and it’s up to you if you put it under both your names or not.

for whatever it’s worth my daughter has asked her grandparents for sponsorship for something ridiculous lately. My parents are divorced so put in separate amounts and my in-laws put in the same amount totalled as they are very intense about parity.

I think any random benefit of two households is surely a lot less than the drawbacks so can’t see how your child having access to 4 people to ask means her life is so much better than anyone else’s. Plenty of things that are much more complicated and expensive for her too.