My stepmother is driving me around the bend! AIBU?

[NewInks]

I’m honestly at the end of my tether with my stepmother and need to know if I am being unreasonable .

Every year she makes pointed comments about expecting a Mother’s Day card, but lately it’s become relentless and rather intense. I’m fed up with the repeated reminders about everything she supposedly did for me. Whatever role she played when I was younger, she isn’t my mum. I want to spend the day celebrating my actual mother without being guilt-tripped or made to feel ungrateful.

Couldn't you just get her a card, but mainly celebrate with your own mum?

Card factory have step mother cards. Spell out to her the status she has..

they maje step mother cards nowadays?! oh that’s great. i’d totally do that. deliver first thing with a bunch of flowers and then off to spend the whole day with your real mum.

would it be so hard to actually show some appreciation for her maternal role? Being a step mother is a difficult position, why can’t you get a card and small token of appreciation? I agree making pointed comments isn’t the way to approach it but I expect she feels taken for granted and under appreciated because she is by the sounds of it.

I’m not going to get her a card. I have no real relationship with her and tbh it wouldn’t be enough for her. She wants to be treated exactly the same way as my DM. If she finds out that we have spent time at my DM’s she will start texting repeatedly asking when we are going to see her. It was the same when my dc were small. She actually sulked for weeks when I had my DD because my mum was in the delivery room and she wasn’t.

She doesn't play a maternal role. If she did then I would get her something. I do know how close a person can be to a stepparent because I am very close to my stepdad.

There's absolutely no information from what OP has posted to state the step mother is undervalued or not appreciated.

OP ignore her, don't get her a card. She sounds like a petulant child. Do enjoy your day with your mum x

The next comment about getting her a Mothers' Day card would have me saying bluntly, 'But you are not my Mum, Janice. You married my Dad, but I have a Mum of my own, so I won't ever be buying you a Mothers Day card'.

And ignore any huffing she makes.

Doesn't she have her own children to do this?

Ignore her.

Smile when she says it and change the topic.

She actually sulked for weeks when I had my DD because my mum was in the delivery room and she wasn’t.

She obviously doesn't know her place in your life.

I get my stepmum a card because I love her and she deserves it, she has never once in 30+ years expected or asked for one, I do however spend the day with my mum.

You do not have to get her anything if you don’t want to, just like you wouldn’t have to get your mum anything if you didn’t want to.

She sounds very irritating tbh

Is she in competition with your mum or does she want her “contribution” to your upbringing acknowledged. For some reason based on your texts it seems she is in competition with your mum

You are not obliged to celebrate mothers day my mother didn’t neither do I.

How long has she been in your life for? Has she ever done anything actually really bad or do you just not particularly like her? If it’s the latter and she’s been around for years I think it’s a bit mean not to just get her a card and small gift. It’s worth it just to keep the peace surely.

"Stop dropping hints, I'm not getting you a mother's day because you are not my mother. I have a mother and I will be spending the day with her."

And let her sulk all she wants.

It sounds like she feels she's done a lot for you, but you feel like she's done nothing for you. There must be an objective truth as to whether she has or she hasn't.

I dont understand why would the stepmum would want a card? When OP has made it clear that she doesnt want to give her a card over many years? So why would she want one when its not going to mean what it should mean, it will just mean she's guilted/pressured OP into a card? Does she think by getting a card the relationship will suddenly become something different? I dont understand why people would be suggesting you get her a card when clearly it will not be a genuine sentiment. Why would anyone want that?

(Disclaimer: probably autistic)

I never used to buy my stepmother a card, but she had her own three children to do that (she married my father when they were both in their 60s).

If she hadn’t done, I might have acted differently.

Because she can use it as evidence (to herself) of what a wonderful stepmother she is.

This. I absolutely adored my Mum but she never wanted us to take part in this performative and consumerist nonsense. I discourage my kids as well.

We are nice to each other every day.

Sorry op but think you’re going to need to be honest with her and tell her point blankly it’s mothers day and you don’t see her in that way.

Ah - people are very odd.

I don't think the card is the issue here. She sounds nuts.

How long has she been your DSM?

If she’s been in your life since you were little, I think you’re being a bit of an ingrate.

I’m not my SC’s mum, have never wanted to be and have never tried to be, but I’ve wiped their bums / changed nappies, cajoled through hours of homework, soothed nightmares, nit combed, taken for haircuts, talked through friendship dramas… And made financial and time sacrifices, over and over again.

If they grow up and don’t want to get me a Mother’s Day card, that’s their choice and I’ll respect it. But I would feel loved and respected if they did.

Calling me an ‘ingrate’ is unfair and unnecessarily harsh. Simply being around since I was a child doesn’t mean I owe her anything. She wasn’t nurturing, and she certainly wasn’t kind. I barely saw her growing up. the one night a month I spent with my dad, she would stay at her mum’s. In reality, I only saw her at Christmas and on her birthday. That isn’t a relationship that creates some lifelong debt.