How often do you see your step child once they hit 17/18

[Falloutgal]

We currently see our SD once every 3 months! Just wondered what the norm is...

Reading this thread with interest as my SS turned 16 this year, but he doesn't do a huge amount with friends currently so I expect he will continue the every-other-weekend rotation for a while yet. But when it does inevitably end, I'm not sure what we will do 🤔

He lives a significant distance away with his mum so it won't be easy for us to just take him out for dinner here and there, and, same as you OP, we have younger children who love to see him so whatever it is will need to incorporate them too here and there.

I guess it's just the norm for teens to spend more time out of the house - I know I did - but obviously when you're not having those small daily interactions with them that you get from living in the same home it feels much worse and more distant.

Every day ( they live with us) but they see their mum once a week/ once a fortnight and for the past 5/6 years they tend to stay overnight once a year, if that. Aged 16&18 btw

My step daughter doesn't have a huge amount of friends if I'm honest but she seems to have one or two she's closed too, one recently moved about an hour away from her so now she spends a good chunk of time travelling to see her and then spending the whole day in that area.

Its hard as the status quo was we would pick her up, she would come here and we would do normal everyday family things such as all play Nintendo together, walk the dog, movie nights, visiting family/friends, just chill out together and obviously the odd cinema trip, meal out etc but in theory we weren't spending tons of money as it was normal every day life.
but the shift now seems to be we have to arrange activities/meals every time we see her to tempt her over or she wont come and it just costs so much. We seen her before xmas and we went bowling and had a carvery and spent over £150 on a few hours and the carvery was crap!😂and once the food was done she left.
In the summer we went for a dog walk but we still ended up stopping for breakfast rolls as she said she was hungry, we then stopped for a drink at the end of the walk so still cost us £50 for a dog walk.

Reality is we dont/cant be dropping a couple of hundred pounds per month to just see her for a few hours. Its ok now and again but we dont want it to be the hard and fast rule.

Not sure what the answer is but will just carry on as best as we can and navigate this stage in her life.

I’m really sorry op but you did ask what other people do, so in response to this I would say that my ex also works in a different direction. I don’t think it would be an option for him not to prioritise seeing his children. It’s never crossed my mind that he wouldn’t come. It is different that yours also has children at your house than my situation but he sees them all the time presumably and he also made the decision to have that many dc so needs to allocate more of his leisure time to seeing them all. Imo. Regards money, fair enough, but a walk costs nothing.
i know it’s a slight tangent to the thread, but my divorce has actually been a step up for my girls in terms of quality time with their father, they know that when he comes, they get his undivided attention.

@Falloutgal Yes it is difficult to think how you move forward - in my case SS is several hours away and DH and ex meet halfway to drop-off/collect him currently. If he didn't want to do that anymore it would be very difficult for us. The only saving grace with the distance is that he will know that when he does come it will be for the weekend/a week etc as a daytime visit isn't really practical.

Could your DH not book in a day with her for her to come to your house and have Sunday lunch or something like that? Would she really just say no?

I lived with my dad at that age and mum lives about 45 mins away, I’d say I saw her maybe once every 2/3 months also, no other reason than I had my own life and was always out with friends when I wasn’t working or at college

It is different that yours also has children at your house than my situation but he sees them all the time presumably and he also made the decision to have that many dc so needs to allocate more of his leisure time to seeing them all. Imo. Regards money, fair enough, but a walk costs nothing.

To be fair, from OP's posts it's not the dad failing to allocate time, it's just the girl is a typical 17yo and has a busy social life with her friends. Obviously it is totally normal at her age but just hard to navigate when you don't share a home with the teen so don't get to have the odd chat in the morning or when she gets home, might be there for dinner here and there etc. I doubt she spends much quality time with her mum either currently.

I can see the difficulty in getting her to book some time in to see her dad and his side of the family when she'd rather be out with mates.

Its a different situation as your ex never went on to have kids, our situation is a completley different dynamic. Its also not practical to finish work at 6pm, get to SD at 8PM to go for a walk in the dark, or to be constantly paying for meals.

But your right, he made a choice and had multiple kids but that doesn't mean one child gets to go out for food multiple times a week or to see plays/shows/cinema while the others stay at home and see him like a normal house hold routine. There needs to be a balance that doesn't include splashing the cash to get a childs attention.

A walk cost nothing but realistically my step daughter doesn't like going for walks, we have done it but she isn't going to be saying yes to a walk multiple times a week, specially when she could be around her mates house or with her BF.

She has a open ended invitation to come over to ours whenever she likes and she drives so nothing is keeping her away except she now has her own freedom.

Iv sent her an invite today and asked if she would like to come over for tea when she's free soon, we will see if pizza helps😂

I can see that a walk wouldn’t appeal to all teenagers. My own dd (one of them, not the other) loves them. It’s a chance for totally focussed 121 time, she gets her dad totally to herself, where I’m sure she talks nonstop about all her problems, and he just listens. It probably helped that they started doing it when she was around 12 so it’s habit now.

I see your point re now being able to spend money on it unless you do it for all dc.

this is an upsetting (can’t think of the right word) situation that must clearly happen for many NRPs once the dcs are teenagers that I’ll bet they don’t even think about (no judgement, I don’t think I would think that far either) when the decision is made to split, then to go EOW, move, start new families etc. their relationship with their first dc just disappears unless they put in all the effort.

I cannot imagine for one moment that teenagers would drive to see a parent regularly, it would have to be the other way round.

this is an upsetting (can’t think of the right word) situation that must clearly happen for many NRPs once the dcs are teenagers that I’ll bet they don’t even think about (no judgement, I don’t think I would think that far either) when the decision is made to split, then to go EOW, move, start new families etc. their relationship with their first dc just disappears unless they put in all the effort.

100%, except I don't necessarily agree with the last bit about the relationship disappearing.

I think it's a really hard time for the NRP, I know it will be hard on my DH, because I guess they just feel like they will always see their child on some kind of rotation basis and, as you say, they don't necessarily think about what life will look like as the child grows older.

But I just think it's the natural way of things, it's just the nature of a child growing up, it's just the RP will likely get a couple more years of the child living under their roof, even if they're out all day and evening and just passing as ships in the night. Then the child will move out of the RP's home and both parents will be in the same situation...things change a lot but then both parties likely start putting in a little more effort to arrange times and dates etc.

I think it's easy to judge as a resident parent - not aiming this at you at all arethereanyleftatall, just in general - because an RP will still get those small daily interactions, even if they are not actually spending a great deal of time with the child either - they will still know vaguely what's going on in their life, even just by their comings and goings. They don't necessarily think about how much time they are actually arranging to spend with their older teen vs the quick chats over breakfast or whatever, but then they think the other parent is remiss for not managing to schedule dates with the now super-busy and social teen, especially if said teen is also in education and potentially working a PT job on top of that so doesn't have a lot of free time to begin with.

I honestly think it's just a natural progression which hits all parents eventually, it just hits NRPs first because they are already in a position of having to book time in.

my dad comes to meet me at lunch at work if i'm super busy or offers to pick me up for a catch up.

My mum comes to pilates with me and then I drop her off on the way to work. actual "visits" are probably mostly once a month or every couple of months barring birthdays or family get togethers.

when your children get busy with life you try and slot in where you can, rather than expecting them to take an afternoon off especially at 17/18. its not realistic.

Also, I guess for the RP there is more of a natural 'winding down' where the child starts gradually going out alone more etc, where as for the NRP it's likely more cancelled entire weekends, so a lot of time together is lost quite suddently.

How old are you though?

I think at 17 most people still expect to see a child in the 'usual' sort of way - coming round, watching a film, having dinner, just more general time spent - rather than booking in classes or dinners as they might with adult offspring or a friend.

Obviously it's quite different financially as well as at 17 parents will still be on the hook to pay for all activities/meals etc as I assume SD is still at school/college and, as OP says, it's not always affordable when there are multiple children in the family to always be organising things like this.

I don't think it's massively unrealistic to expect a 17yo to come round for lunch or something at the weekend here and there, to see the other side of her family? Although I'm sure it's pretty common at her age that she'd prefer to be seeing others, especially if she has a bf.

You seem lovely OP but it is a bit sad that you’re the one texting her to invite her over for pizza rather than her dad. What about starting a new ritual like Sunday roast and she and her bf have an open invite?

My husband also texts her to meet, I just happen to text about meeting up this time prompted by this thread and general thoughts.

I dont make Sunday roasts every week, I never have, I probably only make 2-3 a year and that's including Christmas day 😂
However she's welcome around on a sunday for any other food😆

How old are you as you mention working and doing Pilates, you sound alot older then 17.
I have that relationship with my parents now as an adult.

My own children love a walk and we go out together when the weather is good to explore new places and walk the dog but my SD has never really liked it, she never really did it with her mother so I think she used to hate it when we made her go out to get fresh air 😂

In my head, I seen her as a child and then an adult and forgot about this odd stage inbetween.

I think tour tight, its just natural progression and we will have to wait to the next stage, id happily go up and visit her but as she lives with her mum we cant just pop up for a catch up without being the ones to spend spend spend.