How often do you see your step child once they hit 17/18

[Falloutgal]

We currently see our SD once every 3 months! Just wondered what the norm is...

So you saw her over Christmas

not even 2 months ago

What on earth is your problem

Now’t

but…. Devil in the detail!

You are drawing loads of random conclusions from nowhere, even when told by OP that is not the case? Can't understand why!

Go and find a hobby.

We saw ours the same amount as before (50/50) BUT we live in the same area so they led the same life (pretty much) at ours or at their Mum’s. It’s different for you as you live quite far from her college and friends so she’d be giving up friend time. Are you worried about it? Or just missing her? I’d try for a monthly dinner or something like that … it’s so easy to lose touch with them. And regular calls/FaceTime too.

I’ll see my teen instead

Further from my last post, DS found he needed to use more of a calendar system at that age, so his father would 'book a date' to do something specific rather than every other weekend and a week's holiday type arrangement. As I say it stopped completely at 18 (but that was because his father abruptly stopped all maintenance/pocket money/support of any kind on DS 18th birthday, so I'm not suggesting this is the case for your husband)
They've got other commitments pulling them in all directions and to be honest I rarely saw ds at weekends because he was out doing hobbies etc and the workload from college in the week was enough to keep him busy.

good for you.

We do regularly message still. I think its a good idea to try and book something in.

I think that's a good idea and I will suggest it. See if we can get some sort of calendar going although booking dates to do something specific may work out really ££ as we also have children so will cost a lot to do it.
I will see if i can find some deals on bowling and meals out.

Surely it doesn't matter what other people and their adult DC / SC do? What matters is the effort you / DP and SD put into the relationship both now and over the last few years and whether you are getting what you want out of it? If you or DP want to see her more, telling her that she has some sort of duty to call / visit on schedule won't get you what you want, IE more of a relationship with her? The type of contact a child needs from a non resident parent changes as they get older and your DP should have been laying the foundations for a more grown-up type relationship with her over the last year or so.

For example, spending a Saturday night at yours every 2 weeks when you live far from college/ friends isn't going to work, but maybe DP (or you if you have built an independent relationship with her) could arrange relatively frequent contact around an activity she enjoys (eg theatre or sports matches) or a meal out. Regular text messages to check in on her so you know what's going on in her life etc. and so she knows you / her dad are interested in her as an individual adult rather than fulfilling an obligation under a parent/ child relationship. Basically building a situation where she might feel comfortable coming for a longer visit. If she doesn't feel comfortable in your / DP's company she will choose not to visit.

It doesn't matter how much other people see their young adult SC if yours doesn't have the kind of relationship with you or her dad to make her choose to spend time together.

OP has said he is.

This is pretty normal I think @Falloutgal. We live in a village whereas Mum lives in a city so they would mostly be at concerts or parties or sleepovers. Once at Uni we would go up once a term to visit but no other younger children to restrict us. Ignore the baiting by other poster.

I think at that age, even if they actually live with you, you still need to book things in. So I am making Sunday lunch we want you to be there, we are planning a day out, holiday and would like you to come. However it completely depends on the relationship that you all have. I know if we offer a meal or trip out ds will definitely find time!

I don’t have a teen stepchild but my friend’s daughter saw her dad once a month or so at that age. It was also a distance away.

My DDs both in their twenties and see their dad around 4 times a year.
At 17 they saw him every month or two for a weekend. It declined during uni and lockdown didn’t help. But he always expects them to go to him (lives an hour away) and never did anything with them so ther relationship is pretty basic.

I would suggest you change tactics, travel to her and go out for a coffee or invite her out for a meal/ cinema from time to time.

It’s completely normal. DD goes to stay with her DF and DSM maybe a weekend every 3 months (they’re 1.5hrs away). He complains he never sees her but she lives with me and I never see her! She just pops her head around the living room door to tell me she’s going out. But her DF never makes the effort to come and see her, they always expect her to go to them by public transport.

It’s been the opposite for us. We have the bigger house where the dsc have their own rooms, devices etc plus we are closer to the college hub. At mum’s they have to share, have more chores. They’ve been staying more frequently here since going to college.

My ex drives to mine to see his children 18 & 16 twice a week. Also 50 mins away. They have no interest in going to his, and don’t like his gf anyway. (I guess my ex would be your husband in this scenario). He takes them out for dinner/a walk/a show/shopping/sometimes they play golf.

Living an hour away to a teenager may as well be half the country away - her dad needs to accept that he is going to need to do more of the running here and visit her

We have always done all of the running and did every single journey to collect her and drop her home as her mother doesnt drive. Step daughter now drives and the times we have now seen her, she has drove to meet up, come to ours, out for a meal and a dog walk etc.

Husband works the opposite side to where step daughter lives so its not possible to drive to hers multiple times in the week as it would take 2 hours to get there and then an hour to drive back and he doesn't finish until 6pm most nights.

We also have kids who would also like to see her which is why weekends or a Friday night works best.

We also dont have £££ to drop on constant meals out, shows etc. The last time we all went out for a meal it cost nearly £140. Going out to eat is just so dear now.

we are a similar distance away. 16 year old stays a couple of nights a month. 18 year old hasn’t stayed for months but they will meet up for football or the offer of a meal out once or twice a month. Sorry this post is getting hijacked op!