I know I’m being unreasonable I just need a moan!

[DarkFate]

This isn’t necessarily stepmum related but I know you ladies may understand where I am coming from and I appreciate some of you may not agree.

So I recently started dating someone new who has a 15 year old son. He has him every single weekend. I work full time office hours and have alternate weekends child-free.

He did tell me that his lack of availability at weekends has stopped him having relationships up until now - but now he’s 15 he will leave him to go out in the evening.

So he messaged me saying this upcoming weekend (21st, which is my weekend with my children) he didn’t have his son as he had a first aid course and was staying at his Mum’s, so the following weekend (my child free free one) he couldn’t see me as he wanted to spend proper time with his son so it would be a month until we saw each other again.

I wasn’t happy really, but I understood so I broke my golden rule and arranged child care for 21st so we could see each other and not allow a month to pass.

He then messages me earlier on in the week and says his son never told his mum that he needed to stay there that weekend and she’s away so he’s got to have him and asked if I could see him in the day instead. I said no I haven’t got child care and I didn’t see why I should compromise again.

I decided to end it as I said our schedules aren’t compatible. He’s never going to have a Sunday free to do stuff with me and it will always be me compromising and I end up resentful.

He said he wanted to fight for me, but understood and said it has caused him so many issues.

Personally I don’t understand why his Mum never spends weekends with her child (since 6) and why given now his son is 15, he sleeps in until 4pm and then just games why he couldn’t just nicely explain now he’s older he needs to build a life for himself and every 4th weekend he has to stay at his Mum’s - but there was no offer of compromise from him at all.

Although that hurts me, I accept it, even though I don’t agree.

But what’s annoying me now he’s bombarding me with messages begging me to reconsider but still no offer of compromise.

I get the adage “kids come first” but given his age and the laying in bed and gaming I think it’s moved on.

i just get frustrated how I’m always expected to compromise (it’s happened to me before with arrangements for kids, expects me to get babysitters for my schedule but never returned the same courtesy)

I think there’s no future there and it’s right to let it go.
Doesn’t sound like his son is necessarily on a path to independence and his dad shouldn’t force that if he doesn’t want to.

Personally I don’t understand why his Mum never spends weekends with her child (since 6)

You don’t need to understand that it’s not your business. Maybe the mum worked weekends when he was younger, maybe your boyfriend worked Monday to Friday and the weekend was the only time he could spend with him. Your schedules don’t align so it’s best you’ve ended it. He’s putting his son first over you which is the correct thing to do regardless of the sons age

She didn’t work weekends. According to him she wanted to spend weekends with her new partner… which makes it more of a rub…

I think what I find frustrating is I’m expected to compromise my arrangements without the same courtesy in return, such as get child care for the day time on Sat to suit his changing plans, so yes best it ended.

If you don’t get up until 4pm and then game and don’t actually spend anytime with either parent I don’t really see what difference it makes what house you’re at myself… but opinions vary

Why cant the 15 year old stay at home alone whilst you 2 go out?

Are you sure he's not married??

He can, but it’s restricted to Sat nights only. I’m not always available every child free Sat nights that I have hence the long periods of not seeing each other so that’s why there doesn’t seem much point.

what I’m frustrated at is him pressuring me to carry on seeing him, the double standard of how he’s allowed to have a boundary in place in not compromising in his arrangements, but I’m “not allowed” to say this doesn’t work for me.

i won’t respond any further to him and block if needs be.

I’ve done all my usual snooping and it doesn’t appear so.

Why can the 15 year old only be at home alone on Saturday nights and not the date you had already arranged??

Was going to say exactly that.

Just block him, its not worth the hassle.

I have done now 😊

Unfortunately it's not going to work. He isn't able to prioritise you and I doubt that will change.

There's no point questioning his parenting or that of the kids mum. You can't control any of it.

I agree - that’s why I have ended it before I get to involved. Just the double standard annoys me and that he won’t respect my decision or boundary.

But blocked now.

Seems very complicated. You've done the right thing moving on.

Yeah good move. You deserve someone who can give the same effort you do. X

Well done for blocking him.

Good on you for blocking. The double standards and bombarding messages really wouldn’t work for me either

I think you are right to step away. It doesn't sound sustainable. Sorry 😐

Personally I don’t understand why his Mum never spends weekends with her child (since 6) and why given now his son is 15, he sleeps in until 4pm and then just games why he couldn’t just nicely explain now he’s older he needs to build a life for himself and every 4th weekend he has to stay at his Mum’s - but there was no offer of compromise from him at all.

Personally I don't understand how you'd respect a man if he did that.

Because life moves on. He’s 15 and stays in bed all day and/or games. Not like it’s quality time or anything or he’s a small child.

And do you not think he should still be doing some share of the parenting even if that parenting is just being the parent who has responsibility for him at that time?
What about if the mother said to the boy 'well you're 15 now, l need to build more of a life for myself so you're going to your dads now more often'

That’s basically what she did when they split up and he was only 6 then… the reason he had him every single weekend is so she could spend weekends for with her new partner…

I don’t know why you’re so invested. I was just having a moan about this man’s double standards towards my time, it was over a week ago and I’ve blocked him. I’ve moved on 🤣🤣

Thanks - I can’t always be the one compromising - I won’t do it anymore.

She still had her child the majority of the time so it's not the same at all as deciding when a child is 15 that you're going to cut down on the limited time you have with them because 'life moves on' and you need to build a life for yourself.

I'm not invested, just commenting on the thread!

Well we’re not going to agree… I don’t see why if he expected me to compromise on my time when he couldn’t extend me the same courtesy and adapt his life and arrangements then gets all butt hurt when I refuse too.

I just don’t see it the same as you. 15 isn’t a small child. My daughter is always out with her friends doing her own thing, so my life has moved on and now I have opportunities to go places without her, like out for coffee. He didn’t spend any time with him as such he was just physically in his house.

Life changes as your kids grow and you adapt.

he didn’t want to, fine but leave me alone and don’t act like I’m the one in the wrong!