I know I’m being unreasonable I just need a moan!

[DarkFate]

This isn’t necessarily stepmum related but I know you ladies may understand where I am coming from and I appreciate some of you may not agree.

So I recently started dating someone new who has a 15 year old son. He has him every single weekend. I work full time office hours and have alternate weekends child-free.

He did tell me that his lack of availability at weekends has stopped him having relationships up until now - but now he’s 15 he will leave him to go out in the evening.

So he messaged me saying this upcoming weekend (21st, which is my weekend with my children) he didn’t have his son as he had a first aid course and was staying at his Mum’s, so the following weekend (my child free free one) he couldn’t see me as he wanted to spend proper time with his son so it would be a month until we saw each other again.

I wasn’t happy really, but I understood so I broke my golden rule and arranged child care for 21st so we could see each other and not allow a month to pass.

He then messages me earlier on in the week and says his son never told his mum that he needed to stay there that weekend and she’s away so he’s got to have him and asked if I could see him in the day instead. I said no I haven’t got child care and I didn’t see why I should compromise again.

I decided to end it as I said our schedules aren’t compatible. He’s never going to have a Sunday free to do stuff with me and it will always be me compromising and I end up resentful.

He said he wanted to fight for me, but understood and said it has caused him so many issues.

Personally I don’t understand why his Mum never spends weekends with her child (since 6) and why given now his son is 15, he sleeps in until 4pm and then just games why he couldn’t just nicely explain now he’s older he needs to build a life for himself and every 4th weekend he has to stay at his Mum’s - but there was no offer of compromise from him at all.

Although that hurts me, I accept it, even though I don’t agree.

But what’s annoying me now he’s bombarding me with messages begging me to reconsider but still no offer of compromise.

I get the adage “kids come first” but given his age and the laying in bed and gaming I think it’s moved on.

i just get frustrated how I’m always expected to compromise (it’s happened to me before with arrangements for kids, expects me to get babysitters for my schedule but never returned the same courtesy)

I think you did the right thing by ending it with him, I just think your attitude towards the mother and by extension the child is wrong, why put some of the blame on a woman you don't know for a mans faults?
I think if this man had actually went along with what you wanted then he wouldn't be a decent man because a decent man wouldn't just decide to drop the amount of weekends he has with his child for a new relationship.

I have a 15 year myself so I am well aware that 15 year olds aren't small kids, she barely sees her dad but if she did and he said something like that to her she'd think he was a dickhead. If it was me on the other hand who wanted 'to build more of a life for myself' then she'd be happy for me.

So the boys mum has him 10 days out of 14 year she’s being criticised for not wanting time with him??
i get that he will be in school during the day on her time but if he lies in his hard and spends the day gaming at the weekend it’s unlikely she’d have quality time with him anyway.

if she’s making sure a 15 year old boy gets up and into school every morning, sorts the majority of dinners, presumably sorts his uniform etc then she’s actually got a much tougher deal than his dad does, yet you’re expecting the mum to do even more?

Your opinion is noted and filed in the “I don’t care” bin.

I didn’t blame the woman at all, I’m not sure where you got that from… I’m just fascinated as to why she would agree every single weekend and not give herself any quality time with her son when he was young and agree to do the Mon-Fri grunt work.

I blame him for not wanting to adapt his life, but expecting me to and then acting like I’m the one in the wrong. I take issue with double standards and hypocrites.

Exactly, he lays in all weekend and doesn’t appear to have quality time with either of them, so to me it wouldn’t matter which house you do that at.

i just don’t get why you would not want time at weekends particularly when the child was as young as 6 and still probably enjoying the simpler things - and I’d be saying that about any parent - I wouldn’t have wanted that for my kids when they were that little.

@DarkFatebecause she’s probably exhausted from the amount of proper parenting (and likely work) she’s done single handedly over the course of the week and come the weekend needs a break.

why doesn’t your DP swap routines with her and you can get your weekends together? Bet I can guess the answer………

I doubt that’s true… most people are on alternate weekends. I don’t find it exhausting only having alternate weekends “off” and I’ve got two children and a very high pressured job.

I’m not sure if you’ve read the thread in full but he’s not my “DP” at all and never was 🤣

Chucking in my opinion as a step parent here. My DH always split the weekends with his ex. Even when they were lying in their beds gaming, they did half of it at our house and half of it at their mum's. That way both parents get some time to themselves. Guess what, now both kids have left home I think he's glad he's got me in his life still as he gave some priority to his relationship. It doesn't have to be all about the kids, everyone can be a winner.

Honestly, the man is the problem. Not his ex or his DS. He's admitted he hasn't had relationships and you can see why. It isn't the ex or the DS. It's his total lack of willingness to compromise or prioritise any woman he is interested in.

I know it's hard as a single parent, but it really is the same old thing. If he wanted to he would. He just doesn't really want to prioritise you.

It's shit. He's shit. But better you know now. You did the right thing blocking him.

You got with a man with a child. Not everyone will have their children every other weekend and on the same schedule as you.

If he sleeps until the afternoon I’m not sure why you’re obsessing over the mum’s “quality time”, it sounds like there’s really no different between weekday evenings or weekend evenings.

Stop framing it as faux concern for your boyfriend or the child’s mother. You want your boyfriend to have more free time, he doesn’t because he has a child.

Op, you don't know the full story so I would be wary of a man who places the blame on his ex. It's a tactic designed to take the focus off his behaviour. It highly effective as "the ex" becomes the bad guy and you end up resenting her (rather than him) and he plays "the victim"

However you are absolutely right to block him because he didn't respect your efforts and compromises. You would always be fitted in to his schedule, when it suits him, which would make you a doormat.

Another vote for the man is the problem! Absolutely no reason why the teenager can’t be left for a few hours over a weekend. Well done for binning!