I’ve been nervous to post this because I don’t want this to come across badly, because I know my boyfriend is such a gorgeous lovely person and everything he feels comes from a place of care. But I just wanted some advice on my situation.
I have been with my boyfriend for 7 months. I have two young children, 20 months & a 3 year old. Initially I was very against the idea of him meeting the kids until at least a year, but we decided around 6 months that it was the best thing for us to introduce him but only as a friend, & only once or twice a month for a few hours. The kids are too young to understand that there is a romantic connection & so I felt comfortable with this. Just to clarify, my boyfriend is 35, has done very well for himself in life, in a very secure position & loves his life. He has never really been around children before & part of him wanting to meet them was to help him envision what life with 2 toddlers looks like. After meeting them a handful of times he did openly express that parents are incredible for the craziness we face everyday, & he can also see how rewarding & lovely it is. He’s always wanted a family & he knows that’s what he wants in his future, whether they’re his blood children or not. He says he wouldn’t waste my time if he didn’t genuinely want this to work, but he does openly say that he needs a little while to adjust to life with children, as it’s 0-100 for him.
Anyway, my boyfriend’s love language is acts of service, & I feel so unbelievably cared for through his actions. He’s also very great at complimenting me, I’ve never felt so confident with someone in my life. But I’ve noticed recently that I’m putting a wall up slightly as he’s not very expressive with his feelings. I feel like compliments are observations, not emotional vulnerability, and it’s making me feel odd.
I communicated this to him, & we figured out that he really struggles to separate me from the kids. He’s a massive over thinker & he’s scared of being openly expressive with me, until he’s 100% that he’s going to basically step up into that parent figure role.
I’ve expressed that his feelings for me will be separate to the children, & that it’s going to take a lot longer to build a relationship with them compared to me. But because he won’t express himself properly, it’s pushing me away, & it comes across like he has a lot of hesitation about the whole situation.
I know everything he’s doing is because he has the kids best interests at heart, he was a child of divorce & he wants to be 100% that were going to work so that never has to happen to my kids. But unfortunately we can’t predict the future & his overthinking is too much.
I personally believe that yes, he does need time to adjust to a family way of life, but it doesn’t take a year to know wether you can handle the responsibility of two young children, and wether your life is going to fit with that. Deep down he should know whether he genuinely wants this in his life or not.
Do you think I’m being too pushy expecting him to know whether he’s ready to take on 2 children or not at only 7 months, & having only met them a handful of times? Or am I correct in my thinking? As how long do I wait for him to decide whether he’s wants this in his life or not? I’m trying to put myself in his shoes - having never been around children before & trying to comprehend what life looks like, but I do think he either wants the hard work of having two children in his life or he doesn’t.
What do you think? And how can I approach this with him?