Should my partner of 7mnths know whether he’s ready to take on my kids?

[unknownn]

I’ve been nervous to post this because I don’t want this to come across badly, because I know my boyfriend is such a gorgeous lovely person and everything he feels comes from a place of care. But I just wanted some advice on my situation.

I have been with my boyfriend for 7 months. I have two young children, 20 months & a 3 year old. Initially I was very against the idea of him meeting the kids until at least a year, but we decided around 6 months that it was the best thing for us to introduce him but only as a friend, & only once or twice a month for a few hours. The kids are too young to understand that there is a romantic connection & so I felt comfortable with this. Just to clarify, my boyfriend is 35, has done very well for himself in life, in a very secure position & loves his life. He has never really been around children before & part of him wanting to meet them was to help him envision what life with 2 toddlers looks like. After meeting them a handful of times he did openly express that parents are incredible for the craziness we face everyday, & he can also see how rewarding & lovely it is. He’s always wanted a family & he knows that’s what he wants in his future, whether they’re his blood children or not. He says he wouldn’t waste my time if he didn’t genuinely want this to work, but he does openly say that he needs a little while to adjust to life with children, as it’s 0-100 for him.

Anyway, my boyfriend’s love language is acts of service, & I feel so unbelievably cared for through his actions. He’s also very great at complimenting me, I’ve never felt so confident with someone in my life. But I’ve noticed recently that I’m putting a wall up slightly as he’s not very expressive with his feelings. I feel like compliments are observations, not emotional vulnerability, and it’s making me feel odd.

I communicated this to him, & we figured out that he really struggles to separate me from the kids. He’s a massive over thinker & he’s scared of being openly expressive with me, until he’s 100% that he’s going to basically step up into that parent figure role.
I’ve expressed that his feelings for me will be separate to the children, & that it’s going to take a lot longer to build a relationship with them compared to me. But because he won’t express himself properly, it’s pushing me away, & it comes across like he has a lot of hesitation about the whole situation.

I know everything he’s doing is because he has the kids best interests at heart, he was a child of divorce & he wants to be 100% that were going to work so that never has to happen to my kids. But unfortunately we can’t predict the future & his overthinking is too much.

I personally believe that yes, he does need time to adjust to a family way of life, but it doesn’t take a year to know wether you can handle the responsibility of two young children, and wether your life is going to fit with that. Deep down he should know whether he genuinely wants this in his life or not.

Do you think I’m being too pushy expecting him to know whether he’s ready to take on 2 children or not at only 7 months, & having only met them a handful of times? Or am I correct in my thinking? As how long do I wait for him to decide whether he’s wants this in his life or not? I’m trying to put myself in his shoes - having never been around children before & trying to comprehend what life looks like, but I do think he either wants the hard work of having two children in his life or he doesn’t.

What do you think? And how can I approach this with him?

7 months? SLOW DOWN!!!

Personally, I think its best to protect your children and just have a separate relationship outside of that. There are way, way more cons to moving a step parent in than pros

After meeting them a handful of times he did openly express that parents are incredible for the craziness we face everyday, & he can also see how rewarding & lovely it is.

"Parents are incredible for the craziness they face everyday" sounds like a tactful way for him to say "Jesus Christ these kids are stress-inducing." And that's fine - people generally do find other people's children stress-inducing. Which is why so many stepfamilies are trainwrecks.

OP, you need to focus on your kids. You met this guy when one of them had just celebrated their first birthday. At this rate, they could go through a string of "daddies" by the time they're grown up.

Of course it is relevant when she is asking another man to take them on. Taking them on implies responsibility, likely including financial. If they already have a father who is active and present in their lives, she needs to keep that in mind and focus on her relationship with a new boyfriend being just that, not be trying to shoehorn him into the father role.

The number of threads on here about step parents trying to act as a parent and being told to back off, not their kids, not their problem, I very much would not be expecting a new boyfriend to be helping.

I wouldn’t have anything to say. People’s kids always remain fully their own responsibility. There should be no onus on anyone to ‘take them on’

I’d say this guy has no interest, tbh.

I think expecting an unrelated man you’ve known a matter of months to have any kind of ‘responsibility’ relationship towards your toddlers is insane. It makes me deeply uncomfortable that women let these men take their kids to the toilet, get them dressed, bath them. They make their kids vulnerable to fulfil their own desires for a relationship. It’s madly irresponsible and I stand by that. No toddler should have to be contending with a step parent.

In all honesty you seem like a massive red flag yourself. Far too soon to be introducing a step parent. Where is the children’s biological dad in all this?

7 months would be too short a time for me to know if I wanted a longer term relationship with a person, never mind taking on 2 children.

Give it couple of years. And have plenty of time just you and him. That is the relationship you should be worrying about. Not him and your children. Yet.

"After meeting them a handful of times he did openly express that parents are incredible for the craziness we face everyday, & he can also see how rewarding & lovely it is"..

Yes, for the parents because they're their DC and they have to do it and seek out the emotional rewards that make the horrible and tedious and stress worthwhile and are hormonally, chemically and genetically driven to do so.

For people who aren't their parents, not so much..

What do you mean by compliments being observations and not emotional vulnerability? I don't understand what that means, does he?
Considering you initially didn't want him to be introduced to the DC until you'd been together a year, I think it's too much to expect him to know if he wants to commit to being a step-dad 7 months in. It sounds like he is taking a very sensible approach. What have you asked of him? Do you want the children to call him dad?

7 months in if far far too early.

What do you mean by “take on”? He’s not their dad, presumably they have a dad?

Do you mean being financially responsible for them?

I wouldn’t even think about anything too serious until at least 18 months in. Especially as they’re very young.

Whether you know it or not you and your babies are incredibly vulnerable. I don’t mean to pile on but it would be best to keep this man on the periphery for a couple of years so you can see him in different situations and know his character.

If the thread title had been Should my partner of 7mnths know whether she’s ready to take on my kids? what would we think?

I'd be thinking 'He wants a free nanny service'.

Reading between the lines it doesn't sound like he's made a decision and doesn't want to commit. I don't blame him. I wouldn't push him either it's way too soon. I suspect the fact that he wants kids and is himself child of divorce means he has a lot of insight into how messy things can be for children of divorce.

He'd be perfectly entitled to walk away and find someone single and childless. You're obviously scared he might do just that. You and your kids will always be a package deal now plus you don't need to be on Mumsnet for very long to see that it's very hard to be a step parent. I'd cool it for your kids sake too.

I have been a single parent my entire DCs life.
I have never once ever expected a man to take on my kids.
Yes as a single parent, they are a massive part of my life and if the relationship turned serious then the kids would be around but I’d never expect anyone to ‘take them on’.

I do understand you not wanting to waste your time if he doesn’t want a relationship with someone with kids but this decision could take months or years.

Its only been 7 months and you don’t even know each other yet and whether you want to be together and so how can he possibly know about the kids if he doesn’t know how he feels about you.

Honestly there is no way I would be with a man who had 2 young kids because I know what to expect.
It would concern me that he doesn’t know what to expect and therefore may say yes but in a few months change his mind.
So there’s no way I’d be pushing him into giving me a rushed answer.

Surely with 2 kids so young, you are not looking for anything serious?
So why not just see it as having a bit of fun and company and if it turns into something more then so be it but if it doesn’t then that’s ok too.

He’s only just started meeting them, so you must have good childcare and therefore can continue to see him mostly without the kids there.

When did you break up with your ex?

Apart from the obvious red flags of you getting into a relationship with a 1yo and wanting them to meet after 6 months and wanting him to ‘take them on’ - what I find the most concerning is how you talk about him.
You don’t actually know him yet but you’re claiming all these great things about him.
It comes across as you may be a bit vulnerable.

Take the kids out of the situation.
Have fun with him for the next 6 months.
Then decide whether to reintroduce him to the kids and have him decide whether this is right for him or not.

Initially I was very against the idea of him meeting the kids until at least a year, but we decided around 6 months that it was the best thing for us to introduce him but only as a friend

You already moved the boundaries which is concerning.
You are obviously able to see him without the kids and so just carry on doing this.

Just see it as a bit of fun and company but not anything long term.
If it turns into something long term then great.

He’s not your partner he’s your boyfriend, there is a difference.

I would say 2 years is a more realistic timeline. Your kids are small too, so taking them into his life is no mean feat. It also is a huge step for you and the kids to bring him into your life in a more permanent basis.
I think he is right to hold back. The responsibility and emotional connection that he is going to hold in your lives will be huge if he commits to this and clearly not something he will take lightly. He sounds sensible and is doing the right thing.
Whether you both can wait this out will be another matter.

Taking on someone else’s children is a huge deal and is absolutely life changing. He’s doing the right thing by being open and honest and taking his time to decide if this is for him.

It took me about eight years to decide whether I wanted (my own) children.

This guy is/was expected to decide whether to take on someone's else's kids, after meeting them a few times over the course of a month?

If your friends and family have been influencing you to expect this of him, they are being beyond unreasonable.

I'm sorry @unknownn but realistically I think he would run for the hills after having spent a week with your children. It's hard enough for parents but they got the loving bond. Take a person who has no child experience and let him live as a parent for a week and he would rethink becoming a parent.

Having said that.. keep on seeing him if he makes you happy but go slowly or you will lose him.

He isn't ready at all OP. Can you not manage them on your own (is/are the dad(s) in the picture?) and have him as a partner, not a stepdad in waiting? You need to be self sufficient if you're a single mum and not depend on anyone else to take on parenting, least of all a boyfriend of a few months.

"Love languages" is the worst kind of psychobabble too, you do sound a tiny bit immature. Maybe focus on the kids and getting yourself financially sorted, if you're not already. Rushing to shoehorn a stepdad in so early on is not going to work.

I’m not asking him to take take them on.

It's literally right there in your OP:

"Do you think I’m being too pushy expecting him to know whether he’s ready to take on 2 children or not at only 7 months, & having only met them a handful of times?"

Your children are so young and assuming you have only recently come out of a relationship with their dad, I would assume most parents would keep their dating life separate from their parenting life for the foreseeable.

It would take a lot longer than 7 months for most couples to decide to spend the rest of their lives together. And it’s really not fair to introduce a man to your children unless you are 99% sure you are going to spend the rest of your lives together. Now the reality is many couples will break up, but the intention should be there, if there’s any doubt, don’t introduce him to your children as it’s so destabilising for them seeing men come and go through their childhood.

You barely know this man and he is a complete stranger to your children.

Children don't get to choose who they have in their lives and this is something that should be done with great care. Some bloke you've known for 7 months shouldn't be anywhere near them, let alone deciding whether or not he 'wants to take them on'.