I’m struggling with MH

[Ttt14]

I adore my family and me and my husband got together 5 years ago. He has 2 DS from previous relationships aged 14 and 8 and we have a DS together aged 1. We are a really close family and I adore them all.

4 years ago eldest DSS decided to move in with us and cut all contact with his mum. Various reasons including drugs and alcohol at home including her filming him drinking this at 6. Violence from her and BFs, strange men in home and catching mum in bed with them and that she refused to work so they never had any money. He hasn’t seen her since and sees me as his mum (even the teenage tantrums).

My other DSS stays with us every Thursday after school till Sunday at 8.30pm. He is lovely and I adore him but he has severe ADHD and ASD issues so is a handful. His mum refuses to take him on holiday and goes abroad 3 times a year for 2 weeks at a time and we look after him. We take him abroad twice a year, for 4 weeks in the summer and 2 weeks at Easter. So spend a lot of time with him.

Recently my DH asked the 8 year olds mum if she would be willing to have him one weekend a month and we would have him an extra day in the week if needed so we can have some time together and unwind. He cannot sleep at grandparents house due to their age and his behaviour but the other 2 can sleep out. She responded by saying we are selfish and she needs her weekends after looking after him all week. (He goes to school full time and is a reasonably good pupil).

I know it sounds selfish on my part but I struggle with his behaviour and need some time. His mum doesn’t work but I work full time as an assistant headteacher in a school. I feel that I never have any time to just unwind. My DH is amazing and usually takes him out every other weekend to play area or mini golf so they have solid father son time but it’s difficult. His mum messaged last night to say she has booked a holiday for once the kids are back at school after Easter. Knowing full well that we are taking him to Mexico for 2 weeks during Easter. DH messaged back to say couldn’t she go during Easter when he is away as it means he won’t see her for 4 weeks. She responded saying holidays are for relaxing and if she goes during Easter there will be too many kids and she can’t afford to go during the holidays as doesn’t have the luxury of lots of money like we do.

Both me and DH work very hard. He is a software engineer working from home so does most of the pick ups and teas and everything else and fits his hours she he can finish early on Thursday and Friday to be with the boys.

I feel she is taking advantage and it’s really affecting my MH. I know people will say just say no to her but last time we tried that she dropped him off at school and told them dad was having him for the week. She went on holiday even though we said we couldn’t have him as it was our wedding anniversary. School ended up calling my husband and she was already on her way to Spain.

Honestly a lot there and don’t really know what I am moaning about but I just can’t continue. Do I sound really selfish?

If you need a break from your step children, take one and go somewhere.

I really don’t think your husband can justify leaving his children with an alcoholic drug addict who doesn’t even want them. Mothers face this all the time as single parents.

it sounds incredibly difficult, but what are the options that are actually safe for his dc?

I don’t know the answer @Ttt14but it does sound difficult, and unfair of his mum.

@lunar1 I think the 2 SC have different mums.

They have different mums. The eldest he was tricked into by the mum just before they both turned 18 so she didn’t have to work.
The middle one was planned but she changed after having DSS.
I have no issues with the other 2, the struggles arise because his mum is there and available but it seems like she’s more interested in her life than her son. If there was a reason he couldn’t see his mum it would be different.

Just because you care about your stepchildren doesn’t mean you can’t take yourself away for occasional breaks if that’s what you need for your mental health.

sadly you can’t force a shitty parent to step up.

So your dh hs 3 children with 3 different women? 1 needs to live with you. The other is shared 50/50 and third is yours.

🤣 Please tell me I’ve got this wrong!

If you are struggling, you need to carve out some time for yourself.

Can you go away with friends/family/alone?

Your husband needs to go to mediation and ask for either full custody, with ex having EOWE, or a proper 50/50 split of EOWE and a couple of midweek nights. If his ex fights this (because she wants primary custody so she gets the benefits), agree to EOWE and half the holidays.

All of those would allow you some weekends off from him, and more stability and routine for him, which should improve his attitude.

Yes, unfortunately youth isn’t always the greatest. He had his youngest at 18 and she tricked him by coming off contraception. They were already broken up by the time she told him she was 12 weeks pregnant. It was a fling at 18 but he adores his son.

The second was a relationship but she changed once son was born, refusing to work or find a job as she was a mum. He struggled to cope with it and when he said he didn’t want to have another baby as he was doing his masters and they couldn’t afford it she broke up with him.

We are now happily married but I wanted a child of my own.

He’s tried that, she won’t lose her benefits or the £400 she receives a month from child maintenance. He offered EOWE saying she would get more CM but she said she needs her weekends. It all ended up as a completely pointless exercise. My DD was only about 8 weeks at the time and she kept trying to arrange things at times when he was at work or when I would be alone with new daughter and other children just after C-section.

Unfortunately mediation/court can never force the other parent to have their child, it only gives a right to have them.

I'm not sure what you can do, she is playing hard ball. But your dh has to step up and is only in the position of many many women out there.

It will get easier for you as he gets older I'm sure.

I think you have to take yourself off sometimes, to a spa or hotel or something.

Yes dh will be on his own with his middle child who is handful but sounds like his my copes with him on his own.

It's so hard, but when you have kids whether you're the mum or the dad you have to be prepared you might be a full time single parent to them if needed.

Another thought - are his needs such that he would qualify for any weekend activities or respite?

If she cares about not losing her benefits then that could work in your favour when negotiating a court arrangement potentially, but she still can't be forced to stick to her side.

If he’s been to mediation and it didn’t work then he can go straight to the court order. It’s only about £300. Keep a log of what custody you've had for the last year including her making arbitrary changes.

The judge won’t give a shit about her wanting her weekends.

Don’t be passive. She’s taking the piss and you’re letting her.

What would the child want to happen? Is he happy?

He is super close with his dad but he does miss his mum and gets upset when she goes on holiday without him. She went to Orlando last year and whenever she rang she was telling him all the characters she had met and I think it killed him.

He goes to a free dance class on a school night and always goes to a SEN family running club on a Sunday morning to help get some energy out. If both me and my husband didn’t go to watch he would be heartbroken. I once went to the hairdressers instead of family run and he refused to run and had a meltdown.
My husband usually takes him to dance as he can’t be left there alone.

Mum sounds awful, DSS h sounds like he needs to be protected from her.

can DH not go for custody?

What do you want to happen?

I would be tempted to go to court and ask for 50:50 so that you do weekdays and weekends not just weekends.

You need to attack what she actually cares about - the money!

Do the maths here!

3 52 + 4 12 =204 (3 nights a week every week plus 4 extra days for the 12 weeks that she is on holiday without him or you are on holiday with him.)

204 is a lot more than half of 365.

You start with child benefit and put in a rival claim. If you get it then you stop having to pay child maintenance (she has to pay you!) and she will lose all her other benefits. Then ask again if perhaps she would like a few extra nights a year.

If we got full custody that would be the case but think my biggest issue is she is there and available and we get no support.

Is he her only child? If so, play her at her own game - trust me, she won’t want to lose primary custody if it means having to work more and losing martyr single mother status

He is her only child yes. My husband worries so much about interrupting his DS and his routines that he struggles.

Is she a single parent?

don’t you have almost 50:50? She has him sun night to Thur, you have him Thur night to Sun evening?

As much as from your words, mum sounds crappy she doesn’t owe you support.

surely as a deputy head you have experienced useless parents?

You cannot control people’s behaviour, just how you react to it. and you can react to it by removing yourself when you need to.

The certificate from mediation only lasts 6 months or something so he’d need to start that again in order to apply to court.

Oh I am more than 100% aware of useless parents. Unfortunately it feels so different when it’s someone you love and care about.

My husband is slightly nervous because even though people know about his eldest DS and his past abuse, people still make comments that it’s weird for him to not see his mum.