I’m struggling with MH

[Ttt14]

I adore my family and me and my husband got together 5 years ago. He has 2 DS from previous relationships aged 14 and 8 and we have a DS together aged 1. We are a really close family and I adore them all.

4 years ago eldest DSS decided to move in with us and cut all contact with his mum. Various reasons including drugs and alcohol at home including her filming him drinking this at 6. Violence from her and BFs, strange men in home and catching mum in bed with them and that she refused to work so they never had any money. He hasn’t seen her since and sees me as his mum (even the teenage tantrums).

My other DSS stays with us every Thursday after school till Sunday at 8.30pm. He is lovely and I adore him but he has severe ADHD and ASD issues so is a handful. His mum refuses to take him on holiday and goes abroad 3 times a year for 2 weeks at a time and we look after him. We take him abroad twice a year, for 4 weeks in the summer and 2 weeks at Easter. So spend a lot of time with him.

Recently my DH asked the 8 year olds mum if she would be willing to have him one weekend a month and we would have him an extra day in the week if needed so we can have some time together and unwind. He cannot sleep at grandparents house due to their age and his behaviour but the other 2 can sleep out. She responded by saying we are selfish and she needs her weekends after looking after him all week. (He goes to school full time and is a reasonably good pupil).

I know it sounds selfish on my part but I struggle with his behaviour and need some time. His mum doesn’t work but I work full time as an assistant headteacher in a school. I feel that I never have any time to just unwind. My DH is amazing and usually takes him out every other weekend to play area or mini golf so they have solid father son time but it’s difficult. His mum messaged last night to say she has booked a holiday for once the kids are back at school after Easter. Knowing full well that we are taking him to Mexico for 2 weeks during Easter. DH messaged back to say couldn’t she go during Easter when he is away as it means he won’t see her for 4 weeks. She responded saying holidays are for relaxing and if she goes during Easter there will be too many kids and she can’t afford to go during the holidays as doesn’t have the luxury of lots of money like we do.

Both me and DH work very hard. He is a software engineer working from home so does most of the pick ups and teas and everything else and fits his hours she he can finish early on Thursday and Friday to be with the boys.

I feel she is taking advantage and it’s really affecting my MH. I know people will say just say no to her but last time we tried that she dropped him off at school and told them dad was having him for the week. She went on holiday even though we said we couldn’t have him as it was our wedding anniversary. School ended up calling my husband and she was already on her way to Spain.

Honestly a lot there and don’t really know what I am moaning about but I just can’t continue. Do I sound really selfish?

I’ve read this many times. Awful, cruel (always ex and mum) Never upset enough to fight for custody though. The reason is always the parent is useless.

I get it’s different
if it’s someone you love and care about. Which is why I’m a bit confused that you want DSS to be further exposed to his mums toxicity.

is mum actually coping and if not, is DSS ok in her care?

Either way, it doesn’t really matter she has no obligation to change for you, you are responsible for putting your own needs first so maybe have breaks when you need it.

DH is responsible for DSS, mum is failing so his efforts are best put in his son, it’s futile for him to try and change mums behaviour.

@Sometimeswinning tell me about it. Plenty of non working women who have affairs and can afford loads of holidays…

@Ttt14 you don't sound selfish at all. You sound like someone who loves these kids, has given a lot, and is running on empty because the set-up is completely lopsided and no one is protecting your capacity.

You sound burnt out. Demanding home life, demanding job. It would take it's toll on anyone.

The sad thing is you can't force mum to step up.

So what are your options here?

Honestly OP, what a choice you have made for your life to be hard.

You need to leave his children to him and start looking after yourself.

Men like your husband always find some soft woman to take on their children.

You owe YOUR child a happy mum, ahead of everything.

Your child is not getting that because you have been sucked into the care of two other children.

This is madness. Take action to mind yourself before it is too late.

This is not your burden to carry and sort out.

I actually agree with this. OP, put yourself first, then your child, then your partner, then his kids… And at the bottom of the list, your SS’s rubbish mother. SS will never be your child. He’s your in-law.

Your husband needs to go to court and fight for both you and your SS. He’s prioritising his ex’s comfort and spare cash over your mental wellbeing and SS’s stability. Get angry.

I am far from soft I assure you.
my eldest DSS is my child, he hasn’t seen or spoken to his own mum in 2 years. He tells everyone I am his mum and ignores blood.

My husband is also fantastic and has raised the boys really well. He is not leaving me to look after the children and does take on a lot. I do just sometimes need time with my husband which we rarely get both due to working demanding jobs.

However, at the same time it’s easy to say my child and not focusing on the others but my child idolises the brothers and wants to be just like them. I cannot separate my love for my child and wanting a positive influence.