How often do your SC talk about their mum?

[QuestionForYa]

Just as the title says really. Curious about others experiences and what is normal in these situations.

Id say it's normal for kids to talk about their parents and that there is no 'normal' amount. Unless not at all. That might be unusual.

If they are children just tolerate it

If they are adults and being boring then everytime they mention their mum, mention yours.

what about a very simple (but real) example like this: when talking about a pink shirt and they say, “my mum has a pink shirt”

I had this, my DSD mentioned her mum constantly. Initially it was quite annoying but then I realised there was a lot of her mum saying how much she missed her when she was with us (excessive/jealously) and this impacted on DSD, she felt guilty being with us/me so she ‘included’ her mum at our house.

Like I said, I know it can be annoying, but try to think about why they are doing it. Your DP/DH should be encouraging a change in subject but if they don’t then take the lead yourself. I used to say “that’s nice”, talk about someone else in a similar way or ease into a new subject, so it just felt part of the conversation.
She did eventually grow out of it. Now she only really talks about her mum when she’s complaining about her.

I think it's totally normal for small kids to want to talk about their mums. This is something that you have to suck up if you want to be a step mum. It passes as they get older and have more interesting things to talk about.

All the time when they were smaller, it’s their mum! Sometimes it was “mum doesn’t cook pasta like that” or other times it was “mum doesn’t do x y z” if I was doing something differently to how mum did it, it’s not a big deal, they just love their mum and it was their way of reminding me they had a mum. It’s difficult for children when dad has someone else in their lives and I never wanted to replace their mum. I get on really well with my stepchildren’s mum and she’s remarried too, it was the same with her new husband. They would say things like “daddy didn’t/doesn't do xyz” it was never an issue with their mum or us. For instance if the children said “mummy has a pink shirt” I’d say “oh pink is my favourite colour what’s mummy’s favourite colour.” I don’t think it’s jealousy on the mums part or anything in my situation, they’re just talking about their mum.

Nothing is normal, it's as much as they do or don't want to mention their mother.

I think kids who live between two homes have particular challenges in terms of stability and feeling secure, so they will constantly make comparisons and references like this. They are making sense of the fact that they have two different environments with some properties of “home”, and to some extent two identities/lives. I think this is mentally healthy processing for them, so I wouldn’t seek to curb or squash it in any way.

Totally normal. Why would you want to curb this?

I’m divorced and my kids talk about their dad. It’s normal and natural. It shouldn’t be a taboo subject

My step daughters are 40 and 42 and talk about their mum all the time, why wouldn’t they, as a PP said it shouldn’t be a taboo subject.

This is totally normal and I'm not sure why it would need to be "tolerated". My mum didn't even like me to mention my dad in her house, and anytime he was mentioned there was an atmosphere. I cannot begin to tell you how damaging this was.

I don’t recall them ever talking about her. I mean they were 12 and 14 when I married their dad. The oldest lived with us but I can’t really remember him saying more than a passing reference (my mum will pick me up tomorrow) type thing. The youngest had a hard time initially realising his parents were not going to get back together (I came on the scene months after they split), but any conversation with his dad about anything like that was not done in my presence. Anyway I didn’t mind it whenever they did mention her.

Like PP have said, this is just healthy processing that they need to do to live between two different environments. They may well mention you at their mum's house too. The people with the responses like "DP should be encouraging a change of subject" etc... maybe think about whether that's reasonable or mature? Are the DC supposed to pretend the most important person in their lives doesn't exist just to make you happy? I didn't even dare to mention my mum in front of my stepmum because her response was an awkward and disapproving silence, and it felt like I'd done something wrong. It was immature and I still feel sad for the younger me who had to deal with that. My stepdad, however, never shut down a conversation about my dad and was always nice, although I know now he must have felt uncomfortable. He gave no sign of it then, and that shows his skill as a step parent. One of them was mature enough to care about what I was going through, and one just cared about herself. I remember this when my DC talk about their step mum. When they say good things I compliment her too and when they bring negatives I encourage them to remember she's a human being who does a lot for them.

Lots of great advice on here! If your stepchild is older and you feel they're doing it to provoke some sort of reaction from you, try and remember they're making sense of things and have a stock phrase or two you can call upon in the moment.

Of course if every second comments is "My mum says...", or "my mum doesn't like..." or similar then you may have to find a different approach - but even in that case it's most likely the child trying to process a difficult situation....

Adult stepkids..... depending on the context of course... should possibly know better!

What ages are they and what are the situations where Mum comes up?

They're 11 and 9. Very emotionally smart kids.

She comes up in all contexts, sometimes it's innocent and others it's incessant where he keeps going back to 'mum this, mum that' despite us trying to change the subject. This particular example was after he was told off about something he'd done and was unhappy, so it felt somewhat calculated.

And to be clear, I am totally fine with them bringing her up, I was simply just curious what is normal. My responses are varied - sometimes I'll engage and others I'll just leave it be. Also, I have a strong suspicion their mum has openly said negative things about me and their dad and has told the kids she doesn't want them to talk about us in her home.

Teenage DSD will occasionally mention her mum to compare her favourably to me in relation to petty things (eg if I mention I have a spot it’s all ‘not like my mum who has perfect skin). I just respond with a breezy ‘god she’s lucky, wish I had the clear skin gene’ as it takes the wind out of the sails of any maliciousness (until next time).

Yes - I understand why you would feel like that if it was timed around a "telling off". Really hard as standard advice is "connection before correction" but that's really hard when you don't have a truly solid connection and the kids misbehave in your home.

This would drive me mad! You're a saint for being able to handle it with such ease! xx

We have a lot of the "well we do X at mums" or "mum makes X a certain way" which I try to navigate by saying that we're making our own traditions and habits here in this house and in our family.

But my situation is a bit different because the kids know their mum doesn't like me and cannot stand to be around their dad, so I'm not sure how much she tolerates the mention of me or him in her home.

To be clear, mention of mum IS tolerated and I frequently engage. I was simply curious what is normal.

I don't want to curb it... I was simply curious what is normal!

My DSCs talk about their mum all the time, and that’s absolutely fine. Me and DH want them to know that it’s always fine to talk about their mum and they can just be themselves at all times when with us.

My DGD 7 goes to her dad's every other weekend for two nights. She always says things like daddy makes better mash than you(me or mum) etc. Also will eat lots of variety of foods for dad but not fir us. Goes food shopping with dad but we are torchering her if we do that etc etc. So it's not just step parents 😊

THIS is the right attitude. It’s their mum FFS. All you need to do is be positive about her and chill.

Why do you need to ask though if it’s not bothering you?