Not enough space

[SJS1992]

I could really do with some advice, I have two girls (16&10) my partner has a boy and a girl.(9&7) We have another girl between us (2). We have my step kids 50% of the time but due to the time he starts work it doesn’t work out 50% overnight so we still pay a lot of maintenance. There mum won’t provide any clothes, uniform etc while they are here either . We are struggling for space. We’re in 3 bedroom rented house. 16 has own tiny box room. 2 is in our room still ( as soon as she doesn’t fit in her toddler bed she will need to go in with 10 because a single bed won’t fit in our room).
step kids have been in bunk bed and trundle in 10 room for the last few years but it isn’t big enough for 4 kids in there and my 10 is becoming very uncomfortable sharing with them. I’ve suggested they stay every other weekend ( he works every other weekend) and half terms etc but on blow up bed in lounge but I feel awful for suggesting it and it hasn’t really gone down well. Also my daughters don’t sleep at their dads for their own reasons not mine so this is my girls full time home.

Is the 9 YO the boy and the 7 YO the girl?

Do you rent or own?

How long until you will be able to move to a 4 or 5 bed?

How big is the biggest bedroom, and what is the layout (door, windows)?

Is your 16 YO planning to go to university away from home?

Do you have a dining room or other room downstairs apart from lounge and kitchen?

It seems you just don’t have enough room.
Is moving to a 4 bed out if the question?

What advice can we give you other than move to a larger house? This sounds utterly miserable.

i hate the blaming the mum for expecting a dad to provide clothing at his house (much better than kids having to pack up each visit) and yes, maintenance is standard in that situation. All of this you knew but chose to have another child. Most of us don’t have space for 5dc so I’m not sure what magical answer you’re expecting but this was your choice.

That sounds awful. You need to move to a bigger house. I know that's easier said than done, but you chose to have a 5th child in a 3 bed house.

I am struggling to understand why, with 4 children already between you, you decided to have another, presumably knowing that you would have this issue. 3 bedrooms with 1 as a box room for 7 people sounds absolutely awful and you need to move to a bigger house ASAP. You can't expect step children to stay on a blow up bed in the lounge. This is so unfair on those children who have gone through so much upheaval already.

What’s your partner suggesting? You presumably both decided to have a 5th child when you were already overcrowded. How much more child support will he need to pay if he has them so much less? Would you accept his suggestion your kids stayed elsewhere to accommodate his?

Apologies, realised you included that it's rented. Too late to edit!

Poor kids, all 5 of them, you created a family you have no way to house.

it isn’t the fault or responsibility of the mum to subsidise your family, he has a responsibility to his children.

no they shouldn’t go in an air mattress in the lounge, this it the mess of yourself and your partner, your combined children shouldn’t suffer for it, put yourselves on the lounge floor.

You cannot seriously be suggesting the step kids stay less often so your own kids dont have to share a room/ you are less crowded? That’s awful and I’m not at all surprised it’s gone down badly.

You need to earn more money between you and find a larger property, ultimately.

Incidentally it is not on the mother of your step children to provide clothes for the kids while they are at your house. That’s on their father.

You sleep in the lounge on sofa bed, or get one of those Murphy beds that fold away.

16yo keeps box room

Toddler shares with the boy

The other 2 girls share

Longer term you might need to move to somewhere bigger, depending on what eldest is doing after school.

Poor kids. Why on earth did you move in together, when you have a three bed and four kids between you? And then have a fifth on top of that.

You need a bigger house. That is really the only option. No you can’t ask stepchildren to come less and sleep on blow up beds, it should be their home too. It’s not very helpful to say you shouldn’t have had 2 year old when they’re already here, but honestly what was the plan? You were overcrowded already and decided to make it worse, you didn’t have to. Did plans to move to a bigger house fall through?

I’ve suggested they stay every other weekend ( he works every other weekend) and half terms etc but on blow up bed in lounge

Why don’t you and DP sleep on a blow up bed when they are with you both and let them have your bed?

No you cannot put your DSC on a blow-up bed in the lounge FFS.

Although if your plan is for them to stop coming altogether you will probably succeed this way.

You can get rid of the bed in your main room and use multiple floor mattresses (like camping mattresses). then:

you, 10 and 2 go there.

dh 9 & 7 in the other room.

16 keeps box room

there will be plenty of space that way but you and DH won’t be sharing a bed, and when his DD gets older she’ll eventually need to move to your room.

I’ve suggested they stay every other weekend ( he works every other weekend) and half terms etc but on blow up bed in lounge but I feel awful for suggesting it and it hasn’t really gone down well

You are awful for suggesting it.

Living separately is an option. Your boyfriend can house his kids in a one or two bedroom place (he can sleep in living room) and co-parent the fifth child with you.
Wanting his kids to be four days a month visitors relegated to the living room would be traumatic to them.

Don’t make the step children sleep on a blow up bed and reduce their nights with their father that is horrible. As a child I was made to sleep on the floor every weekend at my dad’s girlfriend’s house while their children slept in their beds and I still resent him for it

Why don’t you and your husband sleep on the blow up beds and make sure each child has their own bed?

What are the chances of you being able to move to a 4 bed?
Don you have a separate room downstairs that could be a bedroom for one of the kids or for you and DH?
Can you make the biggest room into a “girls room” with 2 sets of bunks and have DSS in the box room ? You could make the box room a study/bedroom so that when he’s not there your DDs could use it as a quiet space or to do homework

I find it interesting you are happy to reduce your step kids time further but your girls are allowed to be there full time. How would you feel if you other half said they needed to reduce their time?

Why on earth did you have another baby when you can't house the ones you have? You are literally trying to replace your step kids- pushing them put so your new baby can have the bedroom.

Maybe get a double that pulls apart to twins in your room and then you get it half the time and then use a sofa bed when they are staying

You are rightfully getting a hard time here

It wasn’t nice to suggest coming over less.

You and DP go to the lounge or dining room if it’s a seperate room on a Murphy bed sofa bed. You hen his kids stay where they are your 10 year old and 2 year old share … is it ideal no … but it is what it is

100% this. Sometimes im shocked at how parents do what they want and dont consider the needs of the kids. I feel sorry for all involved here... a blow up mattress in lounge!!! Way to confirm there not welcome.

You want your partner’s children to stay over less and sleep on a blow up bed to accommodate your children?

If anyone has to sleep on a blow up bed in the lounge it should be the grown ups who have created these issues. Poor kids.