Not enough space

[SJS1992]

I could really do with some advice, I have two girls (16&10) my partner has a boy and a girl.(9&7) We have another girl between us (2). We have my step kids 50% of the time but due to the time he starts work it doesn’t work out 50% overnight so we still pay a lot of maintenance. There mum won’t provide any clothes, uniform etc while they are here either . We are struggling for space. We’re in 3 bedroom rented house. 16 has own tiny box room. 2 is in our room still ( as soon as she doesn’t fit in her toddler bed she will need to go in with 10 because a single bed won’t fit in our room).
step kids have been in bunk bed and trundle in 10 room for the last few years but it isn’t big enough for 4 kids in there and my 10 is becoming very uncomfortable sharing with them. I’ve suggested they stay every other weekend ( he works every other weekend) and half terms etc but on blow up bed in lounge but I feel awful for suggesting it and it hasn’t really gone down well. Also my daughters don’t sleep at their dads for their own reasons not mine so this is my girls full time home.

When my parents separated, overnighting hadn’t been invented, thankfully, so I lived with mum and visited dad. This worked out just fine, I was happy to have just one place to live and would have hated living between houses. So I have never been convinced that split living is totally beneficial, even though I accept it’s now the norm in separated families. So when the OP suggested the same amount of contact, just less overnighting, I thought this was worth pursuing.

I kind of agree with that my sister and I were forced to spend the night at Dad’s new girlfriend’s house so that mum could get a break and Dad got overnight
This was back in the 80s my sister and I didn’t sleep a wink. We both hated sleepovers.
And I was very grateful that we weren’t made to do it again

Where was your partner living prior to moving in with you? Go back to that I would have thought.

the two of you have made a pile of really silly decisions, and as it’s the two of you who’ve made them, it’s the two of you who should suck up the consequences.

silly decisions…

1. moving 6 people in to a 3 bed house.

solution - go back to prior to that

1. 2. Adding another child to this. No solution there but at least own that you have forced this situation on her

OF COURSE a solution isn’t that he sees his children less!! The fact that this even entered your head is kinda horrific op, and the consequence is that you’re getting the ‘nasty’ responses, but that is because mums generally have more sympathy for the children brought in to a mess, rather than for the adults who caused it. If you don’t understand why, how would you feel if your partner said you should only have your kids EOW and they should stay on a mattress in the lounge?

I think you’ll need to do boy in box room, 16 and 10 in next room and the 2 and 7 year olds in the third (or ask his kids if they’d rather share and have the toddler in the box room). You and your husband in a folding bed in the lounge.

His kids are not temporary house guests, they live there too and deserve a bed. You and your husband should do the worst things as you chose to have 5 kids without any space for them.

OP if mum has an issue with you being involved with the kids/doing school runs, why is she okay with them staying over when your DP is working, knowing that the childcare will fall to you?
Seems to me this is yet another ex wanting to call the shots and get her own way rather than actually wanting to do right by the kids.

You’re paying a lot of maintenance despite her barely having the kids more than you do, so it’s not unreasonable to expect that the maintenance that she receives covers the cost of uniforms, etc! Though you should have a few other clothes for changing into at yours.

But yes, do look into the kids moving into your room until you can move house or your DP finds a suitable solution. It is rubbish, I’ve been there, and slept downstairs so that stepchildren can have a proper bed. I know it’s not ideal, especially having a young one to look after, but you don’t want to make the SC feel pushed out

I haven't suggested any changes or work to the rental property. I've suggested a stand-alone item like a rollaway bed (which doesn't need to be attached to a wall, like a Murphy bed), or the parents sleeping on a sofa bed or air mattress.

And just because someone can't afford to buy a property, or the thousands per year that would no doubt be needed to rent a bigger property, doesn't mean the one-off cost of a bespoke item is necessarily out of the question.

Oh this was a really tough read. I am actually disgusted that 2 grown adults... parents... have suggested that instead of them copping on and providing for ALL of their kids, that 2 kids are instead asked to spend less time with their father and his family and when they are actually allowed they are relegated to blow up beds?

Honestly this is an outrageous suggestion. You have had 2 years to figure this out yet here you are trying to kick innocent kids out?

Get a house that accommodates all of your children! Or live separately. It's literally that simple.

Some facts: 1) Doesn't matter what the mother says about you helping in your partners absence unless it is specifically written in a court order.

2. If they don't sleep there 50% of the year... you absolutely don't have 50/50 so stop pretending. He pays maintenance because he's supposed to.

3. Your partner is responsible for feeding, clothing etc during his parenting time. It's actually hilarious that you even said she doesn’t provide clothing... she provides clothes at her house.

If their father cannot provide for them in this house he needs to live in a different house with space for his eldest. They need a home with home not a blow up bed.

A ten year old girl should not have to share a room with a boy of any age. You should put your bed in the lounge, then split the other two rooms between the other children in a way that doesn’t have prepubescent or pubescent girls having to share a room with boys.

You either need to find a way to move to a bigger house or you and your DH need to sleep in the living room. What on earth you were thinking bringing a 5th child into this I’ve no idea but you must now see it shouldn’t be the kids who suffer?

You’re talking to a brick wall these men follow their dicks, He’s not going to live in his own place where he has to do the cleaning and the cooking and knock one out when he can stay with his bang maid and she’ll do all that
Just to prevent his children sleeping on a blowup bed and be ridiculous

Not sure why you added another child into the mix when you didn’t have room for the ones you already had, or DH the time to be with them

Ok so ideally u need a bigger house. Failing that is there a dining room that can become a bedroom ? or is the kitchen big enough to make into a family room and the living room becomes a bedroom. If yes the eldest gets downstairs room. Stepson gets box room and three girls share the other bedroom.
can loft be converted? If yes eldest moves into loft.
its really unfair to not give the step children a space in your house even if they are only there sporadically. They haven’t created this situation, you and their dad have.

The SC should have clothes at dad's house that dad provides. They should have everything that they need there, not relying or hoping mum will provide. It doesn't have to be expensive stuff. Dad should take them shopping in Primark and buy a few bits.

As this is rented accommodation, you can't make structural changes to create more space, so a bigger place is the only long term viable solution.

I can't get this post out of my head since reading yesterday.
I'm utterly shocked at how selfish ajd cruel grown adults are to their children.