How to navigate partners overbearing ex

[Stepparentstruggles2026]

Me 40F and my partner 41M have been in a committed relationship for over 3 years. We share our time between out two houses and are moving in together this year. My SD 9 has always slept with her parents from being a baby (partner and Ex separated 2 years before we met)
When I met my partner SD still slept with him when she stayed, but he said because of her age he has been trying to get her to sleep I her own bed but her mother refuses to. SD does sleep in her own bed 70% of them when she is with her dad and will say anything to sleep with her dad. Saying she is scared (no tears) tummy hurts, thirsty etc. If she is ill then partner allows her to sleep with him or he will sleep in her bed. She often refers to our bed as her bed. Ive told my partner that its our bed and should be our space. My child never slept with me so its different for me as ive not experienced it before. I've always stressed to my partner that I don't want his daughter to feel that I've pushed her out and he says that's not the case as she is too old to co sleep.
Ive just found out that his Ex is blaming me saying that im pushing her into sleeping on her own which I'm not as she can sleep with her dad if I'm there and I will sleep else where. Partner has told his Ex that she is wrong, but she continually states its me and im pushing it. For context his ex doesn't like me and she has openly told me and him she is jealous he has moved on and SD adores me.
Is there anything I can do or say to stop these nasty comments about me? I feel like I'm being used as the bad one by his Ex and worried incase SD starts to resent me because of her mother's comments.

You should tell your partner not to tell you when his ex is badmouthing you.

She has told me to my face, that she blames me as well as to my partner and anyone else who will listen to her. In the past I defend myself, I know I shouldn't have to. Now I just ignore her comments, but is there anything else I can do to stop this behaviour once and for all. It's exhausting.

There’s nothing you can do to stop the ex saying whatever she wants to say. All you can do is make sure SD knows the truth. Your DH needs to tell her (in your hearing so you know it’s happened) that except in a real emergency she cannot share a bed with him any more, and that it is his decision and not yours. She is getting to an age at which it would be outright wrong, imo.

He has spoken to SD when I have been there but not in the conversation. Explained that she is old enough now and shouldn't sleep with him or her mother and she agrees. But will often still try. He has explained that if her mother is allowing her to sleep with her that they are her mother's rules.
He has had numerous conversations with his ex whilst im there and not, but she doesn't listen.
I should explain that his Ex doesn't have a partner and I feel that if she did it would stop. Partner has also said that she was the one who wanted co sleeping, he never did, however she would make such a drama about it. Their parenting styles are different and that ultimately contributed to the break down in their relationship amongst other things.

I had 4 kids in rapid succession and breast fed them all. This sometimes led to night feeds turning into co-sleeping. Once the kids were toddlers they went into their own beds and would only get in with us if they’d had a nightmare or were sick or something.
i don’t think it’s healthy having a nine year old in bed with you, even when you are the parent, let alone with a step parent. It’s a big No No from me.
As to the ex, let her do what she wants in her own home, as It’s not your business.
In your own house, you can set the rules.
I’d take the stepdaughter shopping for bedding of her choosing and make it a thing for her to want to enjoy having her own space, how she likes it. Try to make it a fun experience, so she’s not feeling left out or abandoned.
You are not doing her any favours…. by pandering to this. Some friends of ours had their daughter sleeping in bed between them until she was 16 yrs old! It was ridiculous. The girl is mid 20s now and is very needy and anxious about doing anything on her own. You need space with your partner and the child needs space of its own as well.

Tell your dp that he has to enforce her sleeping in her bed even when you are not there. That way sd will see that it's her dad putting* *in boundaries and that it has nothing to do with you.

Also, at 9 it is a bit off to be sleeping with your dad. I doubt her friends do that..

Who is ex tell that it’s you pushing for this?

We did exactly that, she chose her bedding, decorations, new beds etc and she loves her room. Anything to try and make her not feel pushed out. We have noticed that when we haven't had her stay for a few days. She will say she is scared but can't say what or why, she isn't upset.
It's as if all of the effort my partner does is undermined my his ex when she is with her.

Why is the title about his ex when she’s not the problem?

Her family, friends, me and partner and possibly SD (my partner feels this as do i) They have had many conversations about it (with me there and not) and when SD does stay she will message asking if she slept ok and where did she sleep. My partner will say she slept well which majority of the time she does, occasionally up for the bathroom etc but wont acknowledge where she slept now as she has comments saying. She shouldn't be alone in her bed.

Apologies if you don't think the title isnt appropriate. But I feel that her behaviour is overbearing and enforcing her rules onto our household. What title would you suggest?

My partner panders to his ex and isn’t going to stop. Should I leave?

or

I have a partner problem.

because that’s the issue.

he really should be using a parenting app for comms

how much of the time does he have her?

also. Why don’t you just go to your house to sleep on the nights your SD is there? And hold off on moving in.

Noted i will change my title. Its my first post so apologies.
He has her 4 nights one week then 3 nights the following week. He works odd shifts. I only stay maybe 4 nights in a month if that when SD is there due to my work, however we so like to spend time together and we live around 45 mins apart. So it can be late and partner doesn't want me travelling home late. I will also say that if SD stays at my home she has her own room and sleeps in there ok, occasionally will try to come in our bed and partner will get her in her own bed and its not an issue. Like I said she doesn't get upset or anything. It just feels like abit of a losing battle sometimes.

Ive tried to change the title and I'm unable to, sorry.

So her pattern has always been to sleep with her parents.

you come on the scene and (after how long?) her routine of always sleeping with her parents has to change when you’re there.

can you not see how unsettling this is for her?

(whether or not you personally agree with her sleeping in the same bed as her parents)

This.

And you need a thicker skin. Learn to simply ignore anything the ex says. She is irrelevant and any comment from her re parenting must be directed to your dp who should keep it to himself. It is none of your concern.

There should be no contact at all between you and an antagonistic ex. Block her on all media now, from the start. When I was in that situation, the ex even wrote to me, and I had to RTS the envelopes to hammer the message home.

So her parents separated two years before we met and my partner was trying to enforce it well before we got together. But has encountered alot of push back from his ex. Her saying to SD that there is no reason why she can't sleep in the same bed. Of course I know how unsettling it must be for her, but at 9 she knows and understands that she shouldn't be sleeping with her parents. She has even said her friends don't. After 3 years of his ex interferring in my partner's parenting, its exhausting for him and me as I can see the frustration its causing him. My partner has said to his ex, you will be ok with SD sleeping with them until she is a grown women and she said yes. Which he finds ridiculous.

Why is it not ok for his daughter aged 9 to sleep with someone when you won’t go to a different bed and sleep on your own and you’re an adult?

I don't have any contact with her at all, apart from if she is dropping SD off and I'm there which is not often and I remove myself whilst they discuss arrangements etc. Partner doesn't tell me anything she says it's what she says to me when ive been there when partner was there and he has told her she is totally wrong, which she didn't like. In the past I've responded now I don't.

@Tinkerbellthefairy her own Dad doesn't want her sharing the bed, he was against co sleeping right from the start. Plus OP states in her opening post that she sleeps elsewhere, "Ex is blaming me saying that I'm pushing her into sleeping on her own which I'm not as she can sleep with her dad if I'm there and I will sleep else where"

It doesn't matter if she sleeps in the same bed as her Mother, they are the same sex. What goes on in her Dad's house is none of the ex's business. I think your Dp should stop answering how she slept, she is 9 not a toddler she can answer for herself so I would refer the Mum to her own DD.

He only needs to answer what he wants to answer. Ignore everything else she asks. He needs a phrase to repeat over and over to show he will not pander to this anymore.

If he is adamant about her being in her own bed then he needs to settle her back in her own bed, which does of course mean getting out of bed and taking her back.

Ah, so the OP is the one in the wrong is she? Even though her partner doesn’t want to co sleep?

OP, ignore this. Also, your DP is spending far too long in discussions with his ex. I successfully managed to coparent my DD without speaking to my ex for months on end. At pick up, it was a quick ‘hello’ to him or his wife, bags handed over, DD fastened in my car and off we went.
Once his new wife tried to tell me I was a terrible mother because my DD had said she wanted to cut DDs hair and I said no, I’ll take her to my hairdresser (new wife was a hairdresser). As soon as DD was fastened in the car, I went back to the house and politely reminded her that it was unacceptable to criticise my parenting in front of my DD, that I never criticised her DFs parenting nor her as a stepmother. She actually apologised. I later phoned my ex to have the same conversation with him and reminded him that if it happened again DD wouldn’t be spending any more time with him. It was the one and only time we actually had any disagreement over parenting!

I am horrified by the idea of a 9 year old sleeping with her father & even more so by a mother being peculiar enough to try & enforce this!

As PP have said the only thing is for your partner to enforce a strict no co-sleeping rule whenever she is at his house- not just when you are there.

Does she also see his room as being ‘her’ room in the sense of going in it in the daytime? If so this is also likely to be a privacy issue when you are living there, so he needs to tell her that she must ask before going into his room for some reason. (My sons always ask as they know my room is my space.)

This will be very difficult given the way the mother is undermining it - very peculiar behaviour - but you have to persist. There will be other people (including other children) who on finding out about this will react the way I do- with horror, thinking this is very unwholesome- and the only way to protect SD from this & from what may be upsetting comments from other kids about her relationship with her dad is to stop this practice right now.

Maybe also worth thinking more generally about her mother’s parenting style & ensuring she feels she can always talk to you her dad about anything about life in mother’s house that makes her feel uncomfortable, because ex sounds very strange. I would not feel at all happy about my children bring co-parented in the way you describe the mother behaving. It sounds really unhealthy and emotionally invasive. Boundaries protect children!

I co-slept with mine, and this is about the age that it started to tail off, but I did it fairly naturally.

I started by saying that we couldn't all share, and that we'd do one child each weekend night (they were too big for 3 in the bed - about 12 and 9 year olds). And that in the week, they'd sleep in their own beds (they shared a room, which helped I think, as they could hear each other breathing)

Then over time, the eldest decided he preferred sleeping in his own bed on his own, then a year or two later, the youngest the same.

Now they'll only come into my bed if they are sick.

Or if we're on holiday and we're sharing a hotel room (which is actually quite handy - that they don't mind sharing a bed with me/each other)

I know with my youngest, the more I lay down the law, the harder he digs his heels in - I have to work carefully and slowly to get things changed unless I'm prepared to really battle (eg. I was firm on the no bed share on school nights) - but only her dad knows his daughter and what will work here.

I am an adult yes and I will and have slept elsewhere. My partner doesn't want that he states that it's our bed and i shouldn't have to sleep elsewhere as she has her own room and majority of time sleeps in their fine, whether I'm there or not. My partner will go into SD room if she really won't settle he would never leave her unsettled.

He needs to stop responding to her quizzing him about arrangements on his time or, at the very least, close it down.
“How did she sleep?” Fine.
“Where did she sleep?” In her own bed, of course.
”But blah blah blah…” We’ve been through this and I’m not discussing it any further.

Yes, it’s not the child's fault but she has to stop sometime very soon. Would you think it was appropriate for a 12-year-old girl to be routinely sharing a bed with her father?