How to navigate partners overbearing ex

[Stepparentstruggles2026]

Me 40F and my partner 41M have been in a committed relationship for over 3 years. We share our time between out two houses and are moving in together this year. My SD 9 has always slept with her parents from being a baby (partner and Ex separated 2 years before we met)
When I met my partner SD still slept with him when she stayed, but he said because of her age he has been trying to get her to sleep I her own bed but her mother refuses to. SD does sleep in her own bed 70% of them when she is with her dad and will say anything to sleep with her dad. Saying she is scared (no tears) tummy hurts, thirsty etc. If she is ill then partner allows her to sleep with him or he will sleep in her bed. She often refers to our bed as her bed. Ive told my partner that its our bed and should be our space. My child never slept with me so its different for me as ive not experienced it before. I've always stressed to my partner that I don't want his daughter to feel that I've pushed her out and he says that's not the case as she is too old to co sleep.
Ive just found out that his Ex is blaming me saying that im pushing her into sleeping on her own which I'm not as she can sleep with her dad if I'm there and I will sleep else where. Partner has told his Ex that she is wrong, but she continually states its me and im pushing it. For context his ex doesn't like me and she has openly told me and him she is jealous he has moved on and SD adores me.
Is there anything I can do or say to stop these nasty comments about me? I feel like I'm being used as the bad one by his Ex and worried incase SD starts to resent me because of her mother's comments.

I can’t imagine that if she is badmouthing you to all sorts of people that they are not secretly thinking that the woman is batshit anyway. Insisting that your 9 year old co-sleep is largely unnecessary and most people would deem that by this age they should be getting some level of independence. My DH’s ex coslept with one of theirs at the age of 9 but it was more for her own need than the child and yes it absolutely changed as soon as she got a partner!! Nobody would have judged our parenting based on that. Nobody with any sense anyway. As pp have said, you may unfortunately need to grow a thicker skin. This will likely not be the only thing she badmouthes you about. You just have to accept that she does her thing and you can’t stop her doing or saying anything. Just do rhe best you can within your household and for your SK and that’s all you have control over. The rest is just outside noise.

Thanks so much for all of your comments and suggestions. From what you have all said we are doing all the right things, but we need to persist. My partner is enforcing that this it what happens when SD is staying and I think him not responding to his ex quizzing questions is the way to go forward. Like someone has suggested to say We have already discussed this and end the conversation. I would like to think that this will eventually end, especially if she does meet someone as my partner has already told her he will not be happy with SD sharing a bed with another man, no matter what age she is. As in his eyes she shouldn't be co sleeping anyway. In his opinion it's most definitely his ex wanting or needing to co sleep not the fact that SD is scared etc as his ex pushes it more and he feels that's what influences SD. We have noticed influences SD on alot of things for example she doesn't like certain foods so won't cook them. So when partner or I cook things SD is very reluctant to try them as her mother doesn't like them, SD words. 80% of the time she will try them and she likes them, so we are working on things like this daily and its hard to try to establish what's SD mind and whats mother's mind, if that makes sense.

If you weren’t on the scene would your boyfriend still be ok with his dd sleeping in the same bed? How long would he have been happy for it to continue if he had remained single? Had he tried to stop it before he met you? Maybe his dd is equating her dad meeting you with this change rather than he thinks she is too old. Just a thought. I’m always suspicious of men who want to make changes with their dc and dress it up as in the dc’s best interests but actually it’s because it no longer suits them.

No he wouldn't he has always disliked co sleeping, his ex wouldn't move on that at all. She did it with her first child when she was single and when my partner met her, the child was 15 and slept in her own bed then. Like I said before they have totally different parenting styles and that had a major effect on their relationship. As soon as he got his own place he started putting SD in her own room and she would do well then stay with her mother and then he would have to start again as his ex couldn't see an issue and told SD that she can always sleep with either with them so it undermined my partner. I appreciate what you are saying as I said to my partner and his ex that I wouldn't want SD to feel that things have changed because of me and he assures me it isn't the case as he has been enforcing for a long time before we met and its ok for a while then he has to start again as SD says but her mother doesn't make her sleep in her own. The one time I said that to his ex that I wouldn't want SD to feel that things have changed because of me, she said that I was the one who is pushing her sleeping on her (which I'm not as she isn't my child and its down to them to parent her, i only give my partner advice and support his decisions) and it was fine before i came along. To which my partner outright said that was a lie and she knows he has been constantly doing this with SD and that she was the one causing the confusion.

Focusing on the ex in this scenario just isn’t helpful. Tbh, it all feels like the classic triangulation too many divorced dads do - where they get uk pretend they’re the victim of all these unreasonable women.

If he objected to co-sleeping, he’d have stopped it during the last 5 years. He hasn’t and that speaks volumes. Instead he’s doing it when you’re not there, making you out to be the problem to his ex and daughter and claiming his ex and daughter are the problem to you.

seriously, don’t move in with him. This nonsense and toxic dynamic will only get worse and you’ll find yourself the villain just trying to live in your own house. Continue to have a relationship with him if you like, but recognise that it will be in separate houses and him coming to stay with you.

He needs to parent and set boundaries. He needs to take accountability for his choices. I bet it’s not just sleeping arrangements and food (not that either is minor) - this same issue will come up about everything.

Fair enough. Thank you for answering. She’s at an age where puberty can start at any point (my dd has already started her periods by this age) so it’s strange that the mum is pushing for her dd to sleep in the same bed. Tbf I do know of single mum friends whose dd’s have slept with them till the age of 10/12 and have been ok with it - they soon stopped once at secondary school. I think all you can do is keep doing what you are doing when your boyf has his DD.

Thank you for your reply, I think you need to re read all of my posts as he is not doing it when I'm not there at all. He consistently does it but when SD returns from being with her mother the cycle starts again. I've never claimed SD is a problem at all. My partner is not the problem either he is trying his best with a difficult situation. Its the different parenting styles that are causing issues. So thank you for your comment but you have totally misread what I've said

It sounds like the ex is wanting the child to stay in your bed when she is with her dad at weekends so it interrupts “your” time! She’s obviously bitter and using this as a good excuse to carry on co-sleeping with the child! X

Do you really want at least nine more years of these battles?

The ex does sound overbearing and your partner sounds weak. This combination will leave you with no power to effect constructive change in your own home. Don’t move in!

I'm tempted to say to tell her that she might find therapy useful to navigate her feelings.

They were separated before you met him. Her comments to you sound immature. Her jealousy is her problem to manage.

If you can avoid any interaction with her, that would be best for now.

Save yourself years of torture and don't move in with him until he kicks his ex to the curb. Why is he not just parenting and telling SD that she needs to sleep in her own bedroom - she's old enough to understand. Mum's rules at mums house, Dad's rules at Dad's house.

Secondly, he needs to grow a pair and stop having meaningless conversations with the ex. Texts asking how the child slept should be responded to with "SD is perfectly safe and happy at her home here, if I need to discuss anything with you regarding her health and wellbeing I'll contact you. I will not be responding to daily queries about her sleep etc which are just interrupting my access"..... and then literally never reapond to the question of her sleep again.

Is the ex coming in the house and having discussions in your partners house at exchanges? Do you plan to move into his house or a new house together. Why can't he walk SD to the car?