Christmas Perspective

[ohdearmemummy]

I’d really like perspective on this, not criticism.

My husband and I do not have a friendly relationship with his child’s mum. They have a child together and we have one girl.

It doesn’t matter how they split and who was the one who caused it, but I will say that I came along long after the split so I did not have a role.
And I guess it doesn’t matter why they aren’t friendly? It’s really silly, and a shame but they aren’t.

Anyway Christmas is alternated. We had them last year and she has them this year. However she has now demanded them next year too.

My husband is really annoyed. Seeing red. Can’t believe she thinks he should have no Christmases with his eldest.

And whilst I think the conversation right now now is not necessary (fighting over Christmas 2026…) I do wonder whether there is an argument for her having the children in Christmas. I’ll tell you why.

1. Last year, spending my first Christmas with my child (and also having their lovely sibling) I couldn’t help but feel deeply sorry for their Mum. I couldn’t imagine not having my child for Christmas, it killed me.
2. My husband, love him, does have many many things that occupy him on Christmas Day. Cooking, family, me, our large families… that I feel that their Mum doesn’t have.
3. This Christmas we have lovely plans and we are looking forward to Christmas 2 on Boxing Day with the older child.
4. Selfishly and I am being honest, I like the format of this year. I do. Because we get to do it twice and nobody is alone.

Do I support my husband in claiming what is ‘fair’ that he gets to take turns. Or do I encourage him to see a different perspective? If we do change the status quo will the older child feel like we’ve give up on them?

I will try to add more relevant context. Child is 11. Loves their sibling.
We’ve alternated for 5 years. It is court ordered (gross divorce).
We don’t think splitting Christmas Day would work as everyone’s families are dotted all over and hand overs are frosty (I think) eldest child gets quiet before and after for a period, I don’t want them feeing that on Christmas day.

@Flowersforyourchocolateprettypleaseit doesn’t say that I am ok with it. I am asking perspective. There are lots of things that go on with ‘blended’ situations that parents have to sacrifice for the best of the children. I am asking for perspective as to whether this is one of them.

And it says nothing about how I feel about the SD. I am just showing empathy towards her mother. But I guess Step Mums aren’t allowed to give a damn. We are wicked.

Please stop commenting you are not being helpful or kind. You are being bitter.

Like you say, you asked for perspectives and that's my opinion, or are you only after those that agree with you?

You're showing empathy to her DM is great, but that means your DH gets to miss out instead.

I know blended families can be tricky.
It's easy to ask the child to choose, yet sometimes they need the adults involved to make the decisions, so they're not caught in the middle.

You don't get to decide who comments, you don't have to reply either.

I couldn’t imagine not having my child for Christmas, it killed me

Would it not bother your husband?

To be fighting about Christmas 26 is ridiculous. Honestly anybody could be dead by then. At the age of 12 your step daughter could pick what she wants to do. You do sound really nice that you care about your step child mother being on her own on Christmas Day.

OP has more empathy for the step mum, even though her DH is a parent.