Christmas Perspective

[ohdearmemummy]

I’d really like perspective on this, not criticism.

My husband and I do not have a friendly relationship with his child’s mum. They have a child together and we have one girl.

It doesn’t matter how they split and who was the one who caused it, but I will say that I came along long after the split so I did not have a role.
And I guess it doesn’t matter why they aren’t friendly? It’s really silly, and a shame but they aren’t.

Anyway Christmas is alternated. We had them last year and she has them this year. However she has now demanded them next year too.

My husband is really annoyed. Seeing red. Can’t believe she thinks he should have no Christmases with his eldest.

And whilst I think the conversation right now now is not necessary (fighting over Christmas 2026…) I do wonder whether there is an argument for her having the children in Christmas. I’ll tell you why.

1. Last year, spending my first Christmas with my child (and also having their lovely sibling) I couldn’t help but feel deeply sorry for their Mum. I couldn’t imagine not having my child for Christmas, it killed me.
2. My husband, love him, does have many many things that occupy him on Christmas Day. Cooking, family, me, our large families… that I feel that their Mum doesn’t have.
3. This Christmas we have lovely plans and we are looking forward to Christmas 2 on Boxing Day with the older child.
4. Selfishly and I am being honest, I like the format of this year. I do. Because we get to do it twice and nobody is alone.

Do I support my husband in claiming what is ‘fair’ that he gets to take turns. Or do I encourage him to see a different perspective? If we do change the status quo will the older child feel like we’ve give up on them?

I will try to add more relevant context. Child is 11. Loves their sibling.
We’ve alternated for 5 years. It is court ordered (gross divorce).
We don’t think splitting Christmas Day would work as everyone’s families are dotted all over and hand overs are frosty (I think) eldest child gets quiet before and after for a period, I don’t want them feeing that on Christmas day.

I've not spent Christmas with my Dad since my parents divorced at 13. I spend every Christmas with my mum as do all my siblings.

My stepson would be distraught if he didn't see both parents Christmas day. Imagine what your stepkids would think if they found out you only wanted your biological child there for Xmas?

It isn't about mum or dad really... it's about the children! If they are used to alternating, I'd just continue it.

You can't imagine being without your child... so why should your husband?

Does she have a reason for wanting two Christmases in a row or is it just her preference? It it were to facilitate a holiday of a life time I would view it in a different light to I just want to. How would a suggestion that you then get Christmas 2027 and 2028 go down?

Christmas 2026 is over a year away: I’m not sure why it’s even a discussion right now.

Worry about this next year, but also I would suggest everyone involved takes into account your DSC’s feelings and be led by them as to how they want to spend Xmas.

Keep to the routine otherwise no one (especially DSD) will know what to expect and when.

If the set routine changes and with an awful history between the two parents, the arguments and stress will continue. Each year will need to be agreed as a separate event.

I missed a holiday with my DC’s and my family because I couldn't even start to undo the routine established and go through the distress and angst every year of trying to agree.

how often do you have the SC?

i know it a fairly unpopular opinion but I agree with Mum. my ex barely has them twice a month and then demand Christmas one year. The DC just wanted to wake up at home, in their own beds.

Particularly if mum is going to be on her own.

Actually this is a very good point that I overlooked. If Dad already doesn't see the kids much then the kids are probably happier with mum.
My stepson is 50/60 and would be distraught not to see both parents.

I agree it’s very different when the child sees both houses as homes. Projecting my own past issues here but my kids didn’t even have a bed at their dads, they both slept on the sofa !

Hi OP - I understand your point of view.

I work with many stepmums who's stepchildren want to be with their Mum's on Christmas day.

What does your stepchild want?

Absolutely 💯 I automatically jumped to my situation, where my stepson has 2 loving homes (even though we don't get along and there's been literal arrests on his mothers part, he's loved in each home).

This year the way our court order is written, stepson should be with us from Xmas eve u til Stephens day. This would suit us. But it won't suit my stepson who'll want to see both his parents, all his siblings from 2 houses etc so his mum will pick him up at 1pm.

I guess the OPs stepxhils sounds old enough to make the decision themselves. I think it's a bit of a non-issue this year anyway as that is Mom's anyway. Who knows what next year will bring for this blended family!

I’m 50/50 as a stepmum and a mum whose children occasionally went to their dads. I never stopped Xmas even though he saw them two nights a month a his request, but once they reached teenagers they voted with their own choice and haven’t spent one there since.
With sd it became clear she didn’t want to be here at Xmas either, it was disruptive part way through the evening and she’d be taken from one routine to another where she was tired and had to go through the whole thing again. Her and mum moved and we used that as the catalyst to stopping Xmas day.
I can’t get wound up about one day and if mine said they were going to dads every day I’d enjoy the peace so I’d be guided by the child, remember it’s just a day and make new routines around something different.
from her moms pov you get Xmas every year as you have a little one and she has to kiss every other year. Such an emotive subject but do what’s right for your sc and try and avoid convict for a day

You butt out

but man alive.., why I’ll never blend families and why I am eternally grateful my ex (with whom I’m very amicable) has never been involved with anyone since we divorced - dealing with shite like this, when all my focus and energy and money could be on MY children

Why on earth has the ex given such long advance notice?

is it perhaps for something special? A big holiday, a family wedding?

Yes thank you everyone. All really valid points and what I was hoping for.

I absolutely do not want to just have my ‘biological’ child only, and that’s not my intention, I was making the point that the plan this year is nice. Everyone is excited about it.

I don’t know mums reasons but if she feels how I feel about my child I get it.

Speaking to DH, he’s decided and I support him, that he won’t precious about it and is going to let his child chose. Not yet but after Christmas sometime in the new year. Their feelings are the most important. But he wants to do it in such a way that they aren’t feeling any pressure to chose a particular house OR that DH doesn’t want them. Or keep things as they are. And only then will he reply to their Mum to either agree or disagree.

We have DSC twice in one week and three in the next week, EOW/E and 50/50 school holidays so very comfortable in their home with us.

Can I ask how time is slit the rest of the year, as I think it's relivent. For example, my kids see their dad twice a month for a few hour at a time, so there's no way I'd let him play Disney dad at Christmas. I'm doing 99% of the parenting work, I've 'earned' the good times!

However if it's usualy 50/50, and the kid is equally at home with either parent, then I think Christmas should be split equally.

So she’ll be 12 next year? Old enough to have a sensitive, sensible conversation about what she wants to do. Make it clear you love her, you would absolutely love for her to spend the day with you but if she wants to spend it with her Mum that’s definitely ok too and you will make things lovely on the surrounding days.

Surely she gave a reason when she asked for this? Is it possible to compromise and do half and half (if you live close enough)?

If there is no good reason and DH allows this change then there a chance the ex will present it as a done deal for the next few years?

I think 12 is still on the young side to have the final say - at this age they are usually very aware of keeping the peace and being loyal to both parents, so think this could be hard.

Also, presumably the ex has had the chance to date again and remarry so I wouldn't get too hung up on her being alone for one day of the year when balanced with your DH missing his child, too.

I know how you feel, since having my own I’d be devastated not to spend Christmas with her.

At 12, your SD is old enough to make her own decisions, especially if you live close enough for her to get to each house independently.

I’m the opposite where I’m giving up ‘my’ Christmases to the ex husband because it’s just me and DS. I really missed having Christmas with him when he was small, but now he’s older, it’s just dismal with the two of us. His dad has other family and can afford bigger, big ticket gifts. I feel it’s important to be child led on this one.

This all sounds very dramatic. I have my kids ever other Christmas Day. The ones in between are lovely and relaxing. It’s really not a huge deal. The adults should be able to stick to a routine though

From the outside it’s this^

@ohdearmemummy : I couldn’t imagine not having my child for Christmas, it killed me.....

Yet you're ok with your DH doing just that!
That alone says a lot about how you feel about your SD.

Bless you.

No, no it doesn’t say that. Please don’t be so goady.

It's in your very own OP!