So burnt out from my stepsons behaviour and no idea what to do

[Lafoosa]

My stepson who is 4 has just become progressively worse behaved recently. I try and treat all the kids the same, I’ve got 4 others.
My stepson just gets violent, hitting, kicking, biting the other children, throwing everything downstairs, putting things in the toilet, bullying the others when they were just minding their own business.
He refuses to eat what’s cooked and DP just gives him whatever he wants instead, which is impacting the other children’s eating habits too when they’ve always eaten very very well and aren’t fussy at all, but they see him get away with not eating and being given something he considers better (but isn’t nutritious at all) and they end up getting upset that they have to eat their food until they’re full.

DP isn’t always here to manage stepsons behaviour, but even when he is he doesn’t really tell him off for anything and there’s no consequences. Sometimes he even laughs or tells the other kids is their fault if they’re hit or pushed over because they were having an unrelated tantrum that had nothing to do with my stepson. Or he will have a tantrum and hit them for no reason, and DP will say they just shouldn’t have gone near him then and stepson doesn’t get told off.

I’ve raised it with DP that not having consequences for hurting others isn’t okay and it doesn’t matter how minor the injury, it shouldn’t ever be okay. I lost it this morning and told my daughter to just punch him back if he hurts her again. Not my finest moment, but this is after weeks and weeks of having to break up fights, arguing with DP over lack of discipline, and no matter what conversations I have with my stepson or time outs, screen ban, etc, he doesn’t care what I say because I’m not his mum or dad.
I’ve had so many chats with him about how it’s not okay and why, and tried to divert his anger elsewhere like screaming into a pillow, taking himself off to his room if he’s overwhelmed, stories, etc, but these chats fall of deaf ears when they aren’t also had by DP.

I know it’s also a DP issue, he should be dealing with it properly and isn’t and the lack of consistency is making it worse. I’ve tried to talk to DP again today, but honestly just at my wits end after all day dealing with 5 kids including a newborn, 3 weeks postpartum and my stepson has just been a total nightmare all day - to be fair my 6yo was a nightmare this morning too, screaming for absolutely ages over cereal (although she did get a conversation and a time out for it).
and before anyone says I’m hating on my stepson, I’m not, I love him dearly, but his behaviour is becoming out of control.

honestly not even particularly looking for advice, just ranting because I want to scream into a void.

Why are you looking after him at all if your DP isn't there? Especially if you have a newborn as well. Sorry, I don't mean to sound critical but surely it's not your responsibility... if his Dad isn't there, he should be with his Mum.

Your problem is your dp, whose lazy and slovenly attitude is ruining not only your life and your children’s lives but your stepson’s too. The child is crying out for some engagement, consistency and stable parenting, and he isn’t getting it. I would find it so unattractive that he can’t be arsed to be a father, it would be a dealbreaker for me. If he wants to fuck up his own child’s life, that’s sad and appalling but there’s not much you can do about it. He doesn’t get to decide that the rest of you have to live in a war zone though. I’d tell him to leave.

That is a lot of kids including - presumably - new sibling for DSS? You obviously shouldn’t be left to deal with it all but the situation doesn’t sound great for the 4yo either.

You shouldn’t be looking after him it’s not your responsibility. Your DP should spend his allocated time with him away from your house. Very much not a fan of ‘blended families’ especially with such young children. And I’m not sure it’s entirely fair to brand a 4 year old a violent bully.

How often is he with you / his dad?

Why are you being left alone with so many children so soon after having a baby? I imagine the behaviour is linked to the new baby arriving & DSS feeling a bit unsettled. DH should be taking him out to reassure him & to give you a break. I was going to suggest you might be better not combining families but it sounds like you’re tied in now with a newborn. You have a DH problem & I can’t see how he will magically be hands on with the newborn.

That’s a lot of extremely young children split across multiple family units. Of course he’s naughty, he doesn’t know whether he’s coming or going. And he’s expressing his discontent the only way he knows how.

And I’m sure someone will come along and tell me it’s not helpful.

If you're looking after him, then you need to able to discipline him, especially for hitting your kids.

Most of all, you need to protect your children from him and he needs to understand his behaviour is wrong.

It's not fair for them to be in this environment and with SS's behaviour and dad's refusal to deal with it, having another child was bound to put more pressure on things.

Is he in school yet?
I'm also wondering if his behaviour is as a result of seeking attention. Especially with his dad not being there.

Is there the option for him not to come over if his dad isn't there?

@converseandjeans it started before the baby was here and I think is likely more related to the sheer amount of screen time he gets. His bio mum doesn’t do anything except stick him in front of a TV or let him play Xbox games which aren’t particularly appropriate for his age.
I don’t mind being left alone with this many children, that’s not really an issue. Most are biologically mine anyway, and I wouldn’t want him to feel singled out by me treating him differently to the others.

He’s hands on with them to a point, but with his son it’s more the fun dad role. He’s even said he doesn’t like telling him off because he’s only here half the time.
It’s been blended for a while, and my stepson has always been naughtier and rougher, but in the last few months it’s just become another level. It’s not unmanageable, its just the only being told hurting others is wrong some of the time he does it is making it so get doesn’t care when he is told off.

I don’t really know how to manage it. My stepsons bio mum is genuinely insane, she’ll threaten DP to never see his son again over anything and has done it before over him being told off (just a time out and told something is wrong) so in that sense I understand where DP is coming from, but at the same time it’s not doing anyone any favours while the behaviour is escalating. His mum has told him only she loves him and is very manipulative, so having that extra to deal with is making it harder and I’m sure is a large reason for my stepsons behaviour in the first place.
I have him 2 afternoons a week before DP is back from work as he just can’t change his schedule to come home earlier without taking a significant pay cut. Thankfully I’m all but fine postpartum, just tired and I’m used to dealing with a lot of children as I come from a very large family.
DP does do a lot of other things with the kids like take them out, sort their baths, dinner sometimes, helps with bedtimes, more of the physical play. It’s just this discipline side where I just want all the kids to have the same rules in regards to how we treat other people, I want to raise nice children that aren’t going to go to school and bully someone else’s kids and think it’s okay. I don’t want any of the children to have difficulty later in life because they weren’t taught how to be kind before it was too late. I know that might sound dramatic, but my brother was raised without being taught to be kind, and he was very spoilt by my mum (complicated family, but he’s the only one she raised) and now he’s an adult he’s unfortunately not a very nice one.

With the rest of the children I’d take them out and make them sit on time out for a couple of minutes to calm down, and then I’d talk to them about why it wasn’t okay and why they did it, and then ask them to apologise. If that didn’t work they’d usually get a toy taken away, or an earlier bedtime. I’m not saying that way is the way to do it either, that’s just what has tended to work for them so far. But it doesn’t work when me and DP aren’t unified in the consequences of that behaviour. DP can very often be “Well that person shouldn’t be so easy to wind up and they wouldn’t get picked on”, while I’m more, don’t deliberately upset someone for no reason other than you think it’s funny.

DP is very much proud of his own parentage too, so he’ll say his dad raised him well and he’ll raise his kids the same. Often it’s brought up that I was only raised by one parent, and not a very good one, so I haven’t got a good example. But I have had a good example of how I wouldn’t raise a child and that’s almost as good in a sense because just as much as a good example shows you what to do, in my case a bad one has made me know exactly what I wouldn’t do and what effect that has in the long run.
We agree on most parenting stuff except this, but it makes it quite difficult

I recognised your username.

In April last year you had recently started seeing a new guy and had six kids between you. So have you actually had baby number 7, or is this now a different partner?

Because either way, I can image the 4 year old is pretty burnt out by it all himself.

There’s only one way to manage this.

leave your partner.

accept you have made a catalogue of dreadful decisions, I’m guessing impulsive?

you cannot possibly parent him how he needs to be parented if his dad isn’t capable of being a parent.

Oh interesting!

For fucks sake how do people get into this situation and then keep incessantly breeding more children when its all already a big mess.

You advised your kid to just punch the 4Yr old boy in the face?
You have a newborn, and a load of kids that aren't biologically yours, including a 4yr old?

Can't imagine why he's playing up. Sounds so idyllic.

That poor child.

He’s 4 still just about a toddler, his behaviour is communication not bullying.

I don’t even know why I’m responding, this sounds like a clusterfuck tbh.

Yep this.

And on another note, no child should ever be made to clear their plates. Food should be pleasurable. Not something to endure. You’ll give them food issues.

Golly just looked and it sounds like OPs DD is fairly challenging too. Must be bedlam!

• your DP is a shit for not supporting you more at three weeks postpartum.
• ex cant stop him seeing his son, he can apply via court for access if she tries to make it difficult.
• does your DP show any sign of knowing that a new baby and living in a house with 4 other kids is a lot for a four year old?

Can your DH get the health visitors involved regarding his behaviour, which will flag his mother’s awful, manipulative parenting. Disgusted that children end up with such awful parents!

Sounds like it’s tough for you, but even tougher for the stepchild. He’s only a little boy. Sounds like a chaotic home life with mum.

Time for his dad to be spending regular one on one time with him, as if he’s mother isn’t paying attention to him, he’s having to share his father’s attention between many children.

He’s acting out because he’s probably struggling with a shit mum, the aforementioned sharing of attention, and the new baby.

That’s a huge ask for a tiny child & many emotions for a 4 year old to handle. Remember, developmentally he is only 4yo. You can’t expect a child to act as a fully grown & developed adult - even that doesn’t happen until 20s. We often have these ideas of how they should behave, but that’s oversimplifying it.

I commend you for doing better than your mother. You need to supplement that with support & education. Not random online info either.

Do you ask him how he’s feeling, if he’s okay, model how to talk about emotions, and what to do when you’re having certain feelings - no feelings are bad.

What does nursery say?

Also, just fully read the thread again. 7 kids and you’re wondering why he’s acting out?! I feel so sorry for this child, that’s such an intense environment, and that’s probably overwhelming for him.

Sounds like he needs the HV on account of the chaos in both homes.

Punching back is not the answer. How about more cuddles and hugs?

It’s okay for children to be fussy with their food, they’re not being difficult on purpose. Are you offering him healthy options of foods he actually likes, or forcing him to eat what you make?

It might not make your life easier, but it’s not about you. It’s not about your DH either. I suggest you get the support you need by asking for it, and use the resources available to learn about parenting and child development/psychology. Your local council will run free online parenting workshops too.

It blows my mind why adults despite the shear volume of resources we all have access to now a day's about child development, security and attachment countinue to make the most insane selfish decisions especially around romantic relationships that dump their kids in an absolute pile of dysfunction and then keep topping up the dysfunction with more dysfunction.

You have multiple very young children with multiple issues and a new born. You also have the added complexity of it being a blended family.

Some of the stuff you have written is damaging as fuck so you need to stop having them all together. You cant cope.

Most adults cant cope with that many children and be able to actually parent and meet their needs properly. So stop even attempting to.

Unless your DP is in the house, then your SS cant be there. He ultimately has an obligation to keep his BC safe. You yours.

Also I would very quickly stop throwing those stones from that glass house you are in. His mother parenting may not be up to what you consider base line parenting. However as quickly as you are judging her, their will be plenty judging you and your DP for adding to a situation at tipping point by bringing another child into this situation.

Your DP needs to very quickly begin to understand his child including boundaries, emotional regulation and how he can meet his needs. You need to worry about meeting your kids needs and then between you figure out how to manage the care of a new born in the mix.

Honestly take a massive step back and be very honest with yourselves as to the situation you both have created for all the kids in this mix.

Poor kid. He’s 4 and I assume within a very short time has a whole new family, including a step parent, 4 step siblings (and a half sibling?). I’m an adult and would find being lumped into a busy, noisy household with unfamiliar people very overwhelming. Add into that him not having his dad around a lot. Not surprised he’s acting the way he is. Behaviour is communication and he doesn’t seem happy or safe.

Is this the same guy from April 2024 who has 3 kids?

Disregarding whatever his parents (the main culprits here) do or don’t do, if I were you I’d parent him as I see fit (including time out etc) while you’re in charge. If they don’t like it, they can step up and do some parenting instead.

I completely disagree that children shouldn’t be made to eat the food they’re presented with, to be honest (presuming it’s a reasonable dose). If you just hand them whatever they want they’ll be having pizza and crisps til the end of times.

DP has a niece who has a habit of requesting food and then she doesn’t touch it but wants something else for whatever reason. She hasn’t stayed over with us yet but I can honestly say I wouldn’t entertain that type of behaviour and DP knows. Barring allergies or something you truly dislike, you eat what you’re presented with by adults or at someone else’s house.

Having looked for the OP's other threads, I really wish I hadn't