Step parenting and birthdays

[Laurralice]

Backstory: I am a step parent to a very wonderful, bright and kind girl. Her mum and dad split years prior to me and my partner getting together. She hasn’t taken to me what so ever, over the two years she has made it apparent that she wants “her husband” back, she undoes SD hair if I do it and just doesn’t greet with kindness to name a few.

Me and my partner have been together two years now and we have little ones 6th birthday party coming up. I asked my SD if she would like me there, her response kinda broke me a little as she didn’t give me her feelings but rather replied with “mummy wouldn’t like that”, I’m struggling with the fact this isn’t the first time she has expressed feelings that her mum has put out that, she once said mummy was mad that I was on the school drop off (just due to needing the same train as them).

I was wondering if anyone here had any advice on these topics? Or any personal experience?

Should I be hurt by not been able to attend events like these?

Don't out the responsibility on the 6 year old to manage the emotions of the adults around her.

Can you explain what you mean with this?

You’re not her step parent. You’ve only been with her dad for two years so perhaps her mum feels you’re overstepping or overly involved.

Trying to manipulate a 6 year old to invite you to her birthday party is also quite low. If things aren’t amicable between your DP and her DM, why are they having a joint party anyway?

You shouldn’t be asking her about being there. You and your DH should be making a decision about things rather than putting her in a position she feels uncomfortable in.

She has 2 parents. Why do you feel the need to get involved. I guess her mum doesn’t feel the need for someone her ex is seeing should be making her child’s birthday uncomfortable for her.

I missed that you aren’t her step parent. It should be assumed that you won’t be at the party then and no need to upset your partner’s DD by asking her questions about it.

It’s 50/50 responsibility, I only do what needs to be done in our household with dad’s permission of course. I provide care, items that may be needed and also the childcare in case both need to work.

I didn’t manipulate, I think you’ve taken that wrong, her dad mentioned to me to ask as it is up to the child, the time she said mummy was mad was when she came back after been with her mum. I didn’t prompt it.

They have been split four nearly five years and have co-parented very well, they do amazing at it hence they both been there for the party, they do the same with school events and such.

Tbf op isn’t doing this , her mum is. I’m not a step parent Op , but my starting point would be to reassure dsd that it’s ok that mum to feel how she feels. You understand and she doesn’t have to choose, you can celebrate her birthday with her dad, maybe a special day out all together. What is dp saying? You might have to have completely separate celebrations on your days and ex does whatever she wants to do. It’s up to Dp to manage that relationship, stay out of it I think. Hopefully someone with experience will have more input

Are you a step parent? If you're not married to your partner then you are not.

While on the surface it is nice that you want to be involved in his daughter's life, you are putting more pressure on her by asking questions about whether or not she wants you to be somewhere. You know that situation with the mother and you know that your presence there will make things more difficult. So why would you ask? She's only six and your question is putting her in an awkward position.

Editing the last bit because you updated - it's great that you provide childcare, but this doesn't equate to sharing in family events I'm afraid.

I think this kind of question is best fielded as adults tbh. Ask the child’s parent that your in a relationship with if they would want you there/if it would feel right for you to be there or not. It’s your job to fully accept whatever they say and manage your own feelings around that. Don’t put the child under emotional responsibility by asking them directly.

Step back now to allow you to step closer in time. If you are to gain your place in the dynamic then go slowly. Really slowly. To the point that you are actually actively and without doubt invited/it’s expected for you to be there.

She absolutely is. She has done the exact same as the childs mother in reverse.

Its completely out of a 6 year old control if the OP can attend. Its already a contentious situation with her role in the childs life with her other BP.

@Laurralice what did you expect her to say? She knows her mother wouldnt want you there. You know her mother doesn't want you there. And you put her on the spot to give permission for you to be.

That isnt ok.

My husband and I had different approaches to joint events with our respective SKs. Mine they were generally joint for birthday parties as they were outside locations and school/family. Dh always separate with each respective family unit.

If you and your DP are serious and its to contentious then it needs to be his decision if he feels joint celebrations need to change.

It isnt however for a 6 year old to manage the feelings of all of the adults involved.

I agree with this. The SD’s mother clearly isn’t the OP’s biggest fan, the parents have co-parented together for a number of years and attended birthdays etc together yet OP asked a 6 year old of she could attend her party? Thats just stirring the shit imo. I think it’s awful the father put this onto a 6 year old.

Then the dad is a twat you dont put that on a 6 year old.
He should not be involving his dd in adult decisions.
How long have you been living with her dad?

Im still new to managing all this, yes two years to some may not be long, I just needed advice on how to put feelings aside. We had known each over a year before I started staying over a night a week and moved in about 11 months ago.

I understand asking the 6 year old isn’t how most would approach it but previously she has expressed her wanting me at events and such. We thought best to ask her and also speak to mum.

It’s hard to know that her mum has put feelings out of dislike to me, she isn’t happy as I mentioned she still refers to him as hers and such. I just needed advice on feelings and not essentially be told I’m a live in nanny.

It’s really hard but it’s a game of patience. I’m a step mum (7 years now in total) but really only started to be invited in as a parent since we’ve been married (2 years). I think you just need to be a background person until you’re called forward. Allow the child to lead. The parents are the most important characters and in my experience if a child has a good mum and dad then they don’t really need a third! You’re more of a supporting character.

That’s what’s worked well for us anyway.

Do you have your own kids?

Don’t give the mum any reason to dislike you. Keep a respectful distance - over time it will change and you’ll become more involved naturally.

Be a grown up, call the mum, talk away from your partner and the kids. If mum doesn’t want you there then respect it.

Unfortunately I don’t, I found about a few years ago I wouldn’t be able to carry my own.

I don’t mind been background, I guess I find it hard hearing things from her that she has picked up too, like her been mad because I needed the same train therefore went with them to the drop off. its unprompted, I always speak clean of her mum, even buying her presents when we go anywhere. I know I’m not a mum.

As mentioned mum isn’t keen because she still thinks of my partner as hers, she has expressed this all too well in person and over messages, I worry it will feed into her daughters opinions.

You need to step aside gracefully. The mum and dad can and do Co-parent successfully currently, but your presence at a family occasion like a birthday will upset that balance. It’s challenging and delicate enough for separated parents to do the birthday thing. Leave them to it.

I’m sorry you’re unable to carry your own. What does your partner say about it? About the mums comments? Could he have a word and say it’s not fair to bad mouth you in front of the child?

He has mentioned prior to her both in regards to her feelings about me and also in regards to her messages about him still been “her husband”, I understand she may still feel hurt or some way but I have always tried my best to be polite and kind

Is he married to her?

Your partner manipulated you, and you unwittingly manipulated her. He shouldn’t have told you to ask her.

children who have to learn to be part of multiple homes can end up being the ultimate people pleasers.

your partner knew how his ex would feel, he should resolve those issues with her, not put you and his daughter in difficult situations.

This. The decisions should be made by parents, they need to compromise or debate, make a decision in their child’s best interest, and then communicate that decision to child. A child shouldn’t be deciding who to invite to their party. You have put child in a really uncomfortable position she shouldn’t have to have that burden (obv mum has done worse tho)

@Laurralice You are not a step-parent. You are Dad's girlfriend. And yes you might help.with childcare and care for her etc but you are doing this to build a future with her father... it's part of dating someone with a kid.

This girl is turning 6... in that short life she has had he parents together, her parents equally seperated and also her parents seperated but dad with you. That's ALOT of change for a child so young.

If they have coparentee we'll this far but you both know Mom isn't a fan of yours (it happens), why on earth would you and your partner be putting that stress on a child of attending a joint party? In particular, YOU shouldn't be raising these topics with the child. You've just put her in an awkward position trying to defend her mum but also it would've been very hard for her to say no if she just didn't want you there.

I am a stepparent. Have been in my stepchilds life 10years, married 4. And from around year 3 or 4 we just did our thing for birthdays. They had joint parties up until we decided I was going to be a permanent fixture.