Step parenting and birthdays

[Laurralice]

Backstory: I am a step parent to a very wonderful, bright and kind girl. Her mum and dad split years prior to me and my partner getting together. She hasn’t taken to me what so ever, over the two years she has made it apparent that she wants “her husband” back, she undoes SD hair if I do it and just doesn’t greet with kindness to name a few.

Me and my partner have been together two years now and we have little ones 6th birthday party coming up. I asked my SD if she would like me there, her response kinda broke me a little as she didn’t give me her feelings but rather replied with “mummy wouldn’t like that”, I’m struggling with the fact this isn’t the first time she has expressed feelings that her mum has put out that, she once said mummy was mad that I was on the school drop off (just due to needing the same train as them).

I was wondering if anyone here had any advice on these topics? Or any personal experience?

Should I be hurt by not been able to attend events like these?

I would ignore the mother… her jealousy and anger is damaging the daughter

just be kind to the child and have fun. I wouldn’t get involved in the drama… I think your partner should shield you more of her nastiness

Your partner likes being in the middle of this.
Be wary OP.
Two women wanting him🤢.
He knew you asking would stir it up.
Ick.

Is he divorced?

I’d just let her have her party (and other things in future) with her parents. Your relationship is with her dad and you can just be a kind person in her life, but you don’t need to get involved in this stuff. It’s easier for everyone if you don’t.

From your description there wasn’t much between you staying over 1 night a week and moving in. If I was this child’s mum, I’d be concerned.

Her mum may not have “said” anything about you but kids can be very perceptive about adult responses, particularly when they are in split households. They often try to keep everyone happy.

If you were my child’s stepmother, I would NOT be happy with you asking an emotionally loaded question directly to the child like this. Things like this should be sorted directly between the adults. NEVER make the children feel like they have to choose. Sorry OP but you and Dad were hugely out of order here.

Other than that, you sound like you have a great relationship with the child so just build on that when she is with you. Do you really need to be at a child’s birthday party anyway? She has both mum and dad there and unfortunately as a step-parent, the unhappy truth is that you are only ever an extra. Sometimes you can build a good relationship with the kids over time but pushing them to make choices like this will not help that.

There’s no need for a joint party. These types of parents think they’re doing what’s best for the child but really it isn’t. If they don’t get on it can be sensed in the air and it isn’t fair on the child.

Just have two separate celebrations like most split families.

This. Absolutely this. You will never be a third parent, it’s a different relationship that you are forming, which can be very special in its own way, but it’s separate to your SD’s core family. The little girl needs to be central and you attending the birthday party/other family event would upset the balance and cause tension that doesn’t need to be there. Unfortunately you are the one who has to bow out, even if that means you losing out. It’s a very long game.

Also, while I understand that you are worried about the mum’s feelings “polluting” her daughter’s opinion of you, children are perceptive and they form their own opinions. Just stand firm and be the better person.

Why would your partner ask dd? Considering that it’s no secret what ex thinks of you, he was setting dd up to be upset.

His choices are

He continues the joint party with ex then you, him and dd start a new birthday tradition.

He stops hoping celebrations. Ex and him host different parties and you attend your partner’s.

Personally as the co-parenting is going “amazingly well”, I’d opt for the first. They have a lifetime of co-parenting and this will make your partner’s life easiest. Kids are often used to separate parties (party with family and party with school friends) and dd would be lucky to have an extra party with you and her dad.

You shouldn't ask the little girl about this. These kinds of things are for the adults to manage. I've been a step mum since my SD was 4. We never did birthdays together, we did a separate birthday celebration. If they have a party and only dad is invited, or neither of you are invited, don't stress about it. There's no point adding pressure to the occasion, which is already weird with parents split up, and you can do a perfectly nice celebration for her at your house too.