Struggling with stepkids

[RachelLondonmum]

I live with my husband and my adult stepson (23) and I have been really struggling with it. My husband and I have had a lot of rows about his living with us; I have never really been comfortable since he moved in after uni, it bothered me that there was never a plan or any indication of how long he might want to live with us; a year? 2? 3? And any bringing up of this question was greeted as a betrayal. From his POV I’ve not hidden my feelings well; I admit I haven't always been warm and friendly enough to SS when I’m feeling low about it. I don’t feel good about any of it but it’s really damaging our marriage.
just asking if there’s anyone in similar situation? Should mention I have little ones of my own with my husband, also being raised in the house.
just finding this period of our life is strained when I want to just concentrate on being a mum to my own…

You know how you feel about your children?

That you would move heaven and earth for them, throw yourself in front of a bus to save them, give them your last penny or a spare kidney if they needed it, never see them sofa surfing? That's how he feels about his son.

Is the son doing anything wrong?

is he simply living in his father’s house while he works his first post-uni job and saves for his own home?

What exactly is the problem with his son living there?

I'm not sure exactly what the stepson has done, or not done, but you said:

I have never really been comfortable since he moved in after uni

And this doesn't really make sense. Kids at uni are usually still supported financially by home, and return home for several breaks each year. They haven't actually fully moved out yet, and won't realistically until they have a job.

He didn't "move in after uni" - as far as he and his dad were concerned, he never fully left in the first place. You just jumped in the door while he was out.

Are you going to chuck your own kids out when they grow up and come back after uni?! I think it's fair to have discussions about your SS plans but not to make him feel unwelcome in his father's home. That's just unpleasant.

Does he have problematic behaviour? Does he pay rent? Does he contribute in terms of washing, cooking, household?

My son is 25 and still living at home to save money for a flat deposit. As far as I’m concerned he can stay till he’s 30+ and if my dh (his stepdad) intimates otherwise I’d chuck dh out, not ds.

My dd is 23 still living at home and saving for a house. She is my dh SC and we have joint kids together.

He treats it the same as the others, we will support through each transitional period.

What exactly is it you have a problem with?

if you wish your marriage to survive uou MUST treat him as you would your own. Abusive behaviour notwithstanding.

I completely disagree with most of the replies here. Comparing how you should feel about your stepson to how you feel towards your biological or adoptive children is very misplaced. It shows that the commenters have not had the experience of blended life. Whether through biology or choice, you're going to have a deep bond with your own children that helps you weather the good and the bad that are inevitable. But often, a SM won't have the history or bond with a SK. A SM is more like an aunt - you don't automatically assume that an aunt will take in and live with your grown child, especially if there is no strong connection there.

Having said that, I do agree that college-aged children are entitled to some support, but I also think that your feelings and needs have to be taken into account. And certainly, the expectation should not be that you have to fill in the role that a biological mother would fill. Do you want to know whether they truly want that? Try imposing your rules and preferences, and see if they would accept that as they would if you were the bio-mum. For many reasons, people judge the SM harshly - the evil SM tropes, the sense that SMs should compensate for the kids' losses (especially if the SM is kind), etc. But if you don't get a say, I don't think you should get the responsibility. So sure, you may wish to support your husband in helping his grown adult son, but he should afford you ample accommodations to ensure that you're comfortable and a time line sounds like a very good idea. But do not be guilted into accepting disrespectful and unfair conditions for yourself. It will only lead to resentment and strains in your marriage. Don't allow your husband to impose a disney view of the SM on you. That has the effect of erasing your experience in a situation that can be very challenging.

Seems a very strange choice to date someone, marry someone, and have children with someone when they already have a child who you don’t like. It’s totally normal nowadays for adults to live with their parents till they’re 30. Were you not aware of this?

Then don’t date someone with kids @steplind, if you’re not prepared to be pleasant to their children.

I think you may get panned for this.

It's very normal for someone to go back and live with their parents after uni in 2025. Life can be tough for people of that age at the moment - there are very few internships, graduate jobs are not easy to get and the young person is presumably in dire straits financially.

If this was one of your little ones in a few years' time, you would almost certainly have a different attitude.

You sound very much like my stepmother - with a stinky, unwelcoming attitude to your DH's "baggage" from a previous marriage. That baggage is his loved and adored child. And you are making him feel unwelcome at a vulnerable and transitional time in his life. That is shameful and you need to think about what young people go through these days. It's dramatically changed since you were that age.

My stepmother behaved like this when my brother graduated - he was quite lost upon leaving full time education. He's now on his feet with a job, wife and family of his own and he has not seen my father and stepmother for several years now. They weren't there when he needed them, they were rude and nasty and didn't care about him.

If you wanted to concentrate on being a mum to your own, you should not have had kids with a man who already had kids.

Both of my parents married people who only wanted their own kids.
My sibling went NC with our Father years ago, I went NC with both.
Both parents ended up living unhappy lives.
They made their beds.....

Op you may feel it isn’t welcome, but he is your family and your dcs sibling. You could be doing irreparable damage to the relationship.

I expected to play a care-taking role in my stepson's life. I tried very hard at first and take credit for defusing tensions between him and my husband due to the bio-mum's triangulations. My stepson's jealousy and anger, and my husband's guilt and acquiescence to his son's tantrums lead me to disengage, though I tried for several years to appease everyone. I guess a breaking point came when my then 18 year old stepson started becoming a fan of Trump, Andrew Tate, and others who I am just not aligned with.

Every story is different. The fact that you are dictating what I should do without even knowing any details of my life tells me that you are just imposing whatever assumptions you have about me without actually learning who I am or what my situation is.

You are never going to feel the same way about your SS as you do about your own children. Imagine if this was your child living with you after uni and your husband was the one behaving the way you are. To your husband they are all his biological children.

I am heartbroken that Ds2 is going back to uni today. Ds1 returned home last year, is working full time and saving toward a house. Discussions took place before he went to uni, he understood that the door is always open to him here. His plan is to live here for 4 years as he is saving every last penny for a house deposit because he can only get a set amount for a mortgage, his deposit helps him get a better house.

Is your SS working? Saving? Are they a contributing member of the family? Do they make family meals? Do their own laundry? Clean, hoover? They will have been doing all that whilst away at uni.

You don't need to be a Mum to your SS, he has one and he is 23. Ultimately you married a man with a child, this is him prioritising his child and rightly so. You need to think about how you would feel if someone treated your child the way you are treating SS, I think you would be horrified.

@steplindI agree OP is not DSS’s bio Mum and she has no obligation to treat him as such. But what she must do is respect her DH’s wish to spend his resources on being a good parent to all of his children, not just the ones he has with her. Young people can’t make their way so easily now because housing and good jobs are so scarce and may rely on parent’s help for much longer. If DSS has a good job he may be able to estimate how long it will take him to save for a deposit, but he may not be in that position yet and if your DH doesn’t want to put pressure on him you should respect that. OP’s husband may enjoy him being around and may value the opportunity to offer him a home. OP I get your sense of imposition on your family and respect your honesty, but I think the help you need is in how to manage your feelings about the situation so everyone makes the best of it. Can you reframe this as your DH being a good Dad and focus on the positives of a young adult in the house - lovely for your children to have their big bro around?

I think you’re right to want to have a plan in place, I’m a SM and a mum and would expect that as I would with my own son.

People are very quick to jump on the evil SM narrative if said SM doesn’t embrace SC as their own but it’s not always black and white. DP made it very clear to me that DSS has a mum and he wasn’t looking for someone to take on the role of mum.

You don’t have to love DSS as your own but you do have to respect that he’s DH’s son and you all have to be considerate of each others needs.

I don’t know if it’s the case or not but at 23 I would expect him to contribute to housework and him living with you shouldn’t create more work for you or become your financial burden.

If you only have young dc yourself it’s probably difficult to understand what it’s like for kids in their 20s especially if you’re in London

thwre are virtually no jobs for this age group - if he has a job he’s doing well. Even if he does have a job, chances are he’s not earning enough to move out as rent in London is so expensive

best thing you can do is work with your dh to support your step son. It won’t be an easy time for him either and I doubt he would be there if he had an alternative!

@steplinddont wirry, my comment wasn’t directed at you, it was referencing the op.

@Shineonyoucrazy I agree with most of what you said, but every blended family is unique and we just don't know enough about the OP's situation to make assumptions which I think some people here are doing. In my case, since my stepson has been and is hostile towards me, it makes his stays with us quite uncomfortable for me and us. My husband's only tactic in the past was to blame me and tell me that if I was "nicer", then he would be respectful towards me. I tried that, and no, someone who is jealous and bullying does not respond to kindness with kindness of their own. It just emboldened my stepson to be even more disrespectful towards me.

So I do agree that no matter who you are, as a young adult, parents should feel a sense of obligation to help them get on their feet. I totally accept that even when it gets hard for me. But I also think it is overly idealistic and unfair to tell the step-parent to suck it up and accept everything without question. I think it is only fair to accommodate the experiences and needs of the step-parent involved as well, especially when she is not the one to have interjected the hostility. You can't just expect her to act like a substitute bio-mum. 1. she didn't have a hand in raising in the child, and 2. she doesn't have that primal bond that is the basis of unconditional love between a parent and child. In fact, my husband and my young adult son are not that close, and I've never expected them to be. It's just that his son has problematic behaviors, and he somehow feels entitled to my support and help no matter how abusive his son is to me. I understand that as a parent, but as a person, I have learned to put boundaries down.

Ridiculous to expect to be supported over the age of 18-at a push 20. All the replies are ridiculously overprotective of Adulys - you’re not a child at that age and it’s pathetic. I went to uni, got jobs, supported myself and I’m from a loving family, I just accepted adult responsibilities.

Back when it was easy to get jobs and rent was affordable, now not so much.o I hope you don’t have dc!

This. Everyone needs to grow up and stand on their own 2 feet. Otherwise how long are people going to be spoon fed and cosseted. Ultimately it doesn't help them