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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Should my step-son he allowed to stay

32 replies

Helpwantedsos · 15/09/2025 12:14

Hi all,
My step-son has just moved into our house. Nearly 22 years old. He is currently in the box room as we have no other space.
We already have 2 other children together aged 9 and 14.
He is on a full- time wage, but also has a 1 year old that stays with us 1 night a week.
Our house feels very cluttered and isn’t really big for another person.
My partner thought about splitting the lounge in half and making a downstairs bedroom.
I don’t feel comfortable with the living situation and I’ve started studying for a degree and I have no space to do it and I’m finding that stressful.
I have health issues so we are currently surviving on 1 wage (my partner’s)
We charged £150 for the month and he buys his own food. I don’t know if we can afford it as he spends an hour a day in the shower.
Any advice very welcome!!!

OP posts:
HonoriaBulstrode · 15/09/2025 12:21

Where was he living before?
Is he saving to move out? What is his long term plan?

GlastoNinja · 15/09/2025 12:23

He’s family so yes, but it’s obviously complicated so the logistics need considering

Notagain75 · 15/09/2025 12:27

If he was my child I would say yes. He is your husband's son so I can understand how he feels.
How would you feel if he was your son and not your stepson? If you would still think he shouldn't stay then you need a conversation as a family about what to do.

AlPaccacino · 15/09/2025 12:28

Who’s is the house? Is it joint or yours , or did you move in either partner?

PauliesWalnuts · 15/09/2025 12:30

Yes to staying as he’s family but no to splitting living room. If he’s old enough to have a child then he needs to get himself sorted to create his own family home even if it’s just a one-bed flat.

Silverbirchleaf · 15/09/2025 12:49

Don’t loose the lounge. You need the living space with all the family.

Where does the one year old stay? In the box room as well? Maybe they could share the lounge for the one night they’re both home, then no room for rest of week.

ThirdStorm · 15/09/2025 13:15

I think as a temporary emergency then he stays but he's an adult with a child, he needs to organise his own lodgings which make provision for his child.

ApricotCheesecake · 15/09/2025 13:16

I'd let him stay in the box room but I wouldn't be keen on splitting the lounge.

Original poster
Helpwantedsos · 15/09/2025 13:21

HonoriaBulstrode · 15/09/2025 12:21

Where was he living before?
Is he saving to move out? What is his long term plan?

Hi, He was living with his ex girlfriend in her parents house.
I think we definitely need to have a chat about this long term plan and learning to save.

OP posts:
Lightuptheroom · 15/09/2025 13:21

Speaking as a step parent who has ended up with a 30 year old step son still living at home, who was 22 when I married his dad...
Yes, he should be allowed to stay, but only in the room you have available. No splitting lounge etc. Your partner needs to assist him to either be put on the social housing list or to get a private rental, he could help with the private rental by acting as a guarantor or providing the deposit.
In the meantime I'd be asking what the end date is to him living there, he's 22, earning a wage, if he can't afford a house then he needs to look at open rent or spare room and find a room to rent and then possibly stay with you when he has the 1 year old. £150 a month is nothing, who decided that amount? Plus, if he privately rents he would presumably qualify for universal credit help with his rent. There's other ways of sorting this out other than you loosing space in your home, so quantify with your partner what steps he and his son are taking to ensure it's a short term arrangement.

Mydoglovescheese · 15/09/2025 13:23

Yes temporarily, but with a definite timescale for moving out. £150 a month isn’t enough, he should at least be paying what he costs you - food, additional electricity, gas and water. I charge my son for his share of the food and a third of utilities bills.

Maddy70 · 15/09/2025 13:27

Of course he stays. It's not an ideal situation for him either , but families help each other when life doesn't always go to plan

Blushingm · 15/09/2025 13:29

He’s your husbands child (and grandchild) you can’t turn him away

neverstopthelaundry · 15/09/2025 13:29

No room splitting. He stays in the room he is in now but with a look to moving out and a timescale for that. There needs to be a discussion between the 3 of you. The hour in the shower needs to stop. He is being ridiculous.

Look into rented accommodation nearby and he can start saving for a rental deposit. As he is only paying £150 a month he should have the ability to save. Looking together, all 3 of you means you can all see what is available locally to you for him.

He is a parent so needs to consider his child in all of this too. He cannot just live with you forever.

Beamur · 15/09/2025 13:32

I think it's reasonable for him to have the space available - the box room.
Maybe he sleeps in the lounge when his child comes to stay, so that the little one sleeps in his room.
But you do need to talk about how long this arrangement will work for and what his future plans are.

cbbo · 15/09/2025 13:52

Put the price up if you can’t afford hour long showers, or tell him to reduce the showers to 10 mins

ForgetMeNotRose · 15/09/2025 13:52

I think the difficulty is that as he isn't his child's resident parent, this slightly limits his options in terms of providing a home for his child when he stays.

For example, he probably wouldn't get much priority for social housing, and in lots of areas would only be entitled to a studio as a single man anyway.

Due to his age, he would only be entitled to a room rate through UC, rather than enough to rent a flat.

As he is working, his best bet is probably to look at private rental. Does he earn enough?

Althernatively, he could live in a house share (like many 22 year olds) and stay at weekends with his child.

If he is earning a decent wage however, as a parent I'd be looking into a deal whereby he pays a higher rent, but some of it is saved towards his own future housing arrangements.

Namerequired · 15/09/2025 13:54

I would never turn my child away, and while it would definitely be much harder with dss (he moved back in for a year) I wouldn’t turn him away either if he was in need of a home.
That said, I wouldn’t be changing the home to accommodate it. He would have to be making steps for getting himself sorted out. And no 1hr long showers in the meantime.

ForgetMeNotRose · 15/09/2025 13:54

Just to add that I wouldn't personally have a problem with my adult child living with us, but if they did it would need to be a sustainable arrangement whereby they contributed to the household and took on an adult role.

DisforDarkChocolate · 15/09/2025 13:55

I'd never split my living room because in reality that's you all giving up your living room.

I'd be letting him stay but with rules - 15 minutes in the shower is a maximum and he helps with housework.

Some background could change my mind though.

lunar1 · 15/09/2025 16:42

Can you hand on your heart imagine telling your DC they can’t come home? While ever I’m able my children will always have somewhere to come back to.

Ncforthis2244 · 15/09/2025 17:05

Well, you're also living in the house for free so YABU. As a parent I'd definitely provide for my child over a non-working partner!

When you start contributing to the bills, then you can complain.

EG94 · 15/09/2025 18:16

Don’t we always see posts on here where posters say a decent dad should provide a home suitable for ALL his children. Funny how that suddenly doesn’t apply when it’s a step son

I think yes temporarily for up to 6 months then he needs to move out and provide a home for him and his child which he was old enough to create now he needs to be grown enough to support said child, one night awake, again many posts on here which would dictate 1 night a week makes him a terrible father but excused as he is a step child

CopperWhite · 17/09/2025 06:06

Why do you think he shouldn’t be allowed to stay? Of course he should be allowed to stay. It’s his parents home and his parent wants him there. His parent is paying all the bills and he is paying rent while you pay nothing, so worrying about whether you can afford it is the wrong thing to focus on.

MC846 · 17/09/2025 06:11

You could get a job that would help out. Of course he stays, he's family. There's no 'we can't afford it ', DH is the one footing the bill not you so you don't really get much of a say tbh.

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