newborn, mild PND and teen DSD moving to live with us - help

[Username97433889632]

I’m a FTM with a 2 month old. I’ve recently been diagnosed with mild PND. I wouldn’t say I’m unhappy as such and I’ve bonded with my LO amazingly but I do find I’m struggling a lot some days and find everything extremely overwhelming and often leads to irritability or anger or crying. I am professionally getting the help I need from that end.

Recently it has been decided my teenage DSD will be moving many miles to live with her dad (my DH), me and her sibling. She’s been out of school for a couple of years due to bullying so it’s going to be a huge transition and extremely tough for her too. We really do think this is the best thing for her at the moment rather than continuing to be out of education and are ready to deal with everything it will come with.

I just feel completely lost in myself, my role has one big change and is about to have another and I know you often don’t feel yourself after a baby but I feel like everything has flipped into a new world. Nothing I’m ungrateful for - I’m just having moments are pure panic of how things will be going forward and whether I’ll be good enough for everyone involved. I’m terrified if I’m truly honest.
Just wanted advice or tips for anyone who may have been though anything similar. Or just to help prepare myself for the challenge of a lifetime?

Very stressful situation for you all @Username97433889632 . The timing is not good, when you have such a small baby, but not much you can do about that. How well do you know your DSD? How often has she stayed with you up until now? Unless you know her well already, however prepared you are to deal with a traumatised teenager, it will almost certainly be worse than you are thinking it will be, for a while.

Well done for stepping up to help, but I'm not sure that right now is the best time for her or for you. She's going to need lots of support and you personally won't be able to provide that support so soon after having a baby. Will your DH understand that? It will be important that she feels safe, loved and supported and you will still have to put your baby first, even if your Dsd has urgent and immediate needs and your DH isn't around at the time

This sounds extremely difficult for you, so my advice to you is to remember that this is your dhs dd, it is he that needs to step up here, you too but not so much. Lay very clear boundaries of where you will be prepared to help and where he will need to.
hopefully this won’t happen to you, but time and time and time again on mn, this happens and it all falls on the step mum to sort, she often doesn’t even see it as her husbands role, and the ex gets blamed for everything.

How are your finances? Any chance that your husband can take a month of unpaid leave after your dsd moves in? He is entitled to legally.

It would mean that instead of moving into a manically busy household she would be moving in somewhere where her dad is available to her 24/7, her stepmum is well rested and much less frazzled and everyone is just so much happier.

one Qq - why does her dad live so far away from her?

Is her dad taking a period of leave to help her through the adjustment? Making the necessary changes to his work schedule? She is almost certainly going to need a hands on parent, what measures is her dad putting in place to make sure he covers all that?

You are good enough.

I suggest you keep the lowest of expectations for you and both children. Just make sure everyone is fed, clean, safe and feels loved. Let your DH do the heavy lifting when it comes to DSD’s education and general wellbeing. You just be a benign and loving, stable and constant presence in her life. At this point, with the enormous upheavals of the past year and the next to come and how much you life had changed and will change: go slowly and make sure you keep your eye on the big picture. It took me a good three years to work out who I was after my first DC was born as it was such an huge change on almost every level. And don’t neglect yourself. You matter too (albeit less than the children who can’t be self-reliant).

I’ve just realised that the combo of FTM and other sibling living with you already suggests there’s a lot more to this. It’s very unusual for siblings to live miles apart. What is the back story?

OP’s baby is her sibling

Seriously, this says it all. I'd like to see this post pinned to the top of some threads!

I would also say (from personal experience) talk to your DSD about what you would like her to do and your expectations etc. Don't expect her to know - she may well be too nervous/frightened/unsure how to act and also unwilling to ask.

Oh yes. Thank you. I misunderstood

What year group is she supposed to be in? How long has she been out of school for? Your DH will need to be extremely proactive in completing an in year application for her with your local authority, as this takes time, particularly if current school are going to be identifying concerns with potential new schools. Be aware that some schools have waiting lists for different year groups, your DH needs to do his research as to which schools have space. I work in fair access, so deal with 'movers in' in these circumstances all the time. There needs to be a plan in place for her education, how is she accessing education at the moment (please don't let your DH fall into the trap of thinking a new local authority will be willing to offer whatever she's accessing now and she would need to be on a school roll to access any alternative provision offer) if he hasn't done so already he needs to contact your local authority admissions team and at least get the ball rolling.

Sorry just to say the in year application has been done, a space has been found, so all of those details have been sorted. It’s the actual move etc we need to plan for and get sorted

That's good x hopefully your DH will be able to support you whilst also parenting his DD. Teenage girls can be tricky but you also need to focus on getting yourself well x

You can do this ! In fact it might be good timing as you are in a transitional period anyway and the distraction of the baby might help her settle

How often has she seen you both before this and is mum fine with this new arrangement?

In all seriousness OP, this has to be on your DH to sort. You've got a newborn, aren't fully recovered from birth and whilst you can't change this situation, it's not your burden to shoulder. And I would be very sure that your DH is aware of this - this is his child, and he needs to be the one that is parenting her. Like a PP said, you can be a warm, loving, stable constant in her life but that doesn't mean that you are the one to do all the grunt work. Teenagers are hell on legs at the best of times.

I think this is actually really really shitty timing. I’m sorry Op. I’d be cross tbh. You’ve got enough to be dealing with. Why now? Why not before? I hope your DP is intending by to be the parent to his child and you can continue to focus on your newborn and getting yourself ok. Don’t find yourself doing all the running around , make sure your DP knows your boundaries and tell him clearly he needs to step up.

DM took DSD out of education to home school in yr7, DSD should now be starting yr9. DP offered help to get her into a school locally to her which was ignored.
DM unable to homeschool due to work, and local authorities in her area have been unable to offer a school place. With such important school years looming we explored schools in our city and she has been offered a place at a great school. DM is happy for DSD to move to get her back into education.

Her best interests are our priority but yes the timing unfortunately is not ideal. I just don’t know where to start, I’m a mother but having to navigate teenage years when I don’t have a clue what I’m doing I’m finding really daunting.

I know it’s going to cause a lot of pressure on everyone involved I just need to find coping strategies.

I think the language needs to change fast.
This has not just happened if school applications have been done and a place found. Yes it is going to be stressful for everyone but letting a teen know that her timing is not good and putting stress on her fathers new family unit will not make a teen feel welcome.

She will need to make new friends, learn a new place and sadly amy find she is behind in some areas because of home schooling.

Some good advice from some people on here re talking to her what she wants from you and letting her help with her sibling - but to say this is stressful and the timing poor might be the reality but not what a very stressed teen will need to hear.

Is she a school refuser? What has she been doing since year 7? Getting her back into full time education isn’t as easy as just getting a school place … I’d be bracing myself. As long as he is there is the morning, do not let him leave the getting her out of the house to you!

@stuffedpeppers why on gods earth would you believe I would express any of my feelings to a teenager having a massive life change.

I came on to mumsnet to express my feelings to other step parents/mothers to get some advice.

I’m in a pretty rubbish place currently so please leave this thread if you are here to nit pick the language I’m using.

how on earth would you know it’s not just happened. we were offered a place on Wednesday last week and told there were no spaces locally to her current full time home so until then, there was no confirmation that the move would definitely happen

@MellowPinkDeer
sorry I’m not sure what a school refuser is?
It has come to our attention recently that home schooling has not been happening at all.

my DP is discussing with work surrounding needing more leeway to start work later for a long period of time until things are slightly more settled.
My view was also the worry around her actually being willing to get up and go to school, and the battles that we may face to begin with so I think that’s eased that worry.

we intend on having discussions with both prospective schools offering a space to understand what they will do to support her in integrating into a new school and what the process will look like. We are under no illusion that she is incredibly behind but our main view on making it successful is making sure she gets the support she desperately needs also from the school to give her opportunity to make friends and have a chance of getting some form of education.

Why did she get removed from school in the first place?

To our understanding bullying

Because she refused to go due to bullying or because her mum thought she could be a teacher at home and then wasn’t so the child didn’t decide? If she refused to go and her mum removed her I can tell you right now that issue won’t be resolved by a new school. I spent years in a battle everyday with a school refuser, do not underestimate how horrid this can be.