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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Dss has stolen his bf's girlfriend and I can barely look him in the eye

37 replies

Carmenere · 01/06/2008 10:06

Dss is 19 and I am finding it difficult to live with him at the best of times. He is a lazy arrogant immature teen and I find that this stage is where the uncnditional love you have fr your own children is prbably needed most to get you through. But we get on ok-ish most of the time.

However he has been sniffing around his bf's girlfriend fr the past year, they have been far too friendly and both myself and his sister had noticed this and were concerned. So it was no great suprise that she has split up with dss's bf(they had been together for 3 years) and is now seeing dss. They are rationalising it in whatever scummy way they can but essentially there is a devastated and heartbrken young man out there as a result of their actions and insensitivity.

This strikes a particular chord with me because in my 20's my bf of 3 years did the same t me and I suffered very very badly as a consequence, had a near nervous breakdown tbh.

I am just terribly, terribly dissappointed with him and disgusted at his lack of moral fibre. I have spoken to him at lenght abut this, obviously it has gone in one ear and out the other

His father is also disgusted but says there is nthing that we can do, I suppose he is right but I am just really sad about it

OP posts:

georgiemama · 01/06/2008 10:08

He's only 19. That happens at that age. It's really none of your business - it wouldn't really be much to do with you if you were his mother, but you aren't. Sorry to be harsh but can't see why all the sad emoticons over the love lives of a bunch of teenagers.

BecauseImWorthIt · 01/06/2008 10:10

Sorry to hear this Carmenere.

But I think your DH is right - there is nothing that you can do. You have spoken to him about it, so you have at least made it clear to him that this is insensitive and unacceptable. He has still chosen to follow this path. As has the girl.

Sadly we have to make our own mistakes in life.

And he is 19 now - not a little boy (even if he may act like one).

I suspect that you are projecting your own experiences on to this as well, which is not surprising.

Doesn't make it feel any better though, I'm sure.

Buda · 01/06/2008 10:12

It takes 2 to tango. He didn't do it on his own.

I just hope for the bf's sake she was gracious in the split.

RusselBrussel · 01/06/2008 10:13

They are teenagers. That is the sort of thing that happens at that age. If the bf and his girlfriend had been together 3 years then they got together when they were 16. At that age relationships inevitably end at some stage.

And don't forget it takes two to tango, the gf was obviously not loyal to her bf, so the relationship was going to fail at some stage I reckon.

Yes it is disappointing that dss is not a self-less individual, forgoing his own happyness for the sake of his friend, but not many 19 year olds are.

YeahBut · 01/06/2008 10:16

I think you might be taking this a little too personally. You've said your piece and that's all you can do. Better all round if you stay out of it.

Original poster

Carmenere · 01/06/2008 10:16

Georgiemumma the reasons there are sad emoticons all over a post about a teens love life is because I am terribly upset that he seems to have chosen to behave in a manner that displays that his morality is severly lacking. I am sad because a member of my family is behaving like a selfish brat and has fucked over his supposedly best friend. I am dissappointed because I expect better frm him, I feel it reflects on his upbringing tbh.

OP posts:

Original poster

Carmenere · 01/06/2008 10:17

OP posts:

YeahBut · 01/06/2008 10:18

He's chosen to behave in a manner that shows he's thinking with his willy and not his brain. He's 19.

FreddysTeddy · 01/06/2008 10:21

We make mistakes and we learn from them.

Hopefully in a couple of years he will realise it wasn't a great way to treat his best friend, but you can't expect him to know it all at 19.

Your experience in your youth also has nothing to do with it and I think you need to step back a bit and work out if you are projecting your own feelings of hurt onto your ss.

Original poster

Carmenere · 01/06/2008 10:23

They defintely were together before they split up and I know it takes two, imo she is equally responsible.
I know that there is nothing to be done, I know that in the grand scheme of things it is not terribly imprtant but it means that I can't be proud f my dss and I am sad about that.

OP posts:

RusselBrussel · 01/06/2008 10:24

I think you are being a bit harsh on him tbh. His morality is not sorely lacking. He is thinking with his penis, not his head. Typical 19 year old.

Please cut him some slack.

edam · 01/06/2008 10:24

Sorry Carmenmere but I agree with everyone else - he's 19, it's his love life, don't get involved. The best friend and his girlfriend were pretty likely to spilt up anyway.

Original poster

Carmenere · 01/06/2008 10:26

Oh I am definitely projecting
Tbh I just wish that he would have been decent in this matter as it is a sore subject for me and I am finding living with him difficult atm anyhow.

OP posts:

FreddysTeddy · 01/06/2008 10:28

Just keep reminding yourself that he's your DSS and not your ex-bf

Thomcat · 01/06/2008 10:34

It might not be nice but he hasn't stolen her, she didn't have to go with him. It's not nice for the friend but it's so part of life and of growing up. My bf snogged th love of my life in front of me when I was 16. It taught me a thing or two, no big shakes. If he did this at 37, that might be a bit different and if kids were involved a whole different picture, but they're 19, it's almost expected! Growing up you should expereicne heartache, rejection, it all goes to making you the person you are as an adult. How do you learn otherwise?

beaniesteve · 01/06/2008 10:37

You could cut him some slack and appreciate the fact that at least they did the honorable thing and she finished her relationship to be with him. Shit happens and perhaps he'll lose a BF over this, and perhaps his BF will be heartbroken for a while but he'll get through it. They are young.

Original poster

Carmenere · 01/06/2008 10:37

Yes you are of course right Thomcat bloody teenagers

Fast forward to six months time when he is heartbroken and sobbing into my shoulder again

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Thomcat · 01/06/2008 20:35

LOL Carmenere, (aka Mrs Patterson ) - yeah not looking forward to the teenage years with my 3.
The amount of people who have said to me 'ohhh you wait till they get to teenagers - it's a whole new heap of hard'.
Great, something to look forward to then!!!
Good luck.

Anna8888 · 02/06/2008 09:27

Carmenere - come on, your DSS's BF and the GF weren't married (were they even living together - sounds improbable). They are young, and relationships change.

I think you are being a bit ridiculous

MsDemeanor · 02/06/2008 09:46

You are definitely over reacting! He's not your ex boyfriend and this really isn't your business. The mate and teh new girlfriend weren't going to grow old together, and let's face it, as you say, this relationship isn't likely to last forever either. they are only teenagers and it all sounds completely normal to me. That's how pop songs get written! He's not really severely lacking in morality - nobody's died.

2rebecca · 15/06/2008 10:22

Girlfriends aren't possessions, you can't steal them. This girl has a brain and a heart and decided she preferred your son to his friend.
Why is this any of your business?
At 18 I'd left home and my parents had no idea who I was going out with, sounds as though you need to let your son live his life as an adult. He's the one who's lost a friendship, not you.

MrsWeasley · 15/06/2008 10:31

This may be the "real" thing they may be together forever and have children.

They are adults, they have to make their own way in the world and place values on what they consider are important. Obviously his friendship to the other lad isn't high on his values list but that's his personal choice!
Don't let it drive a wedge between you, If he knows you dont approve it may make it all the more exciting so maybe move on and let him be!

If thats the worse thing he has done then your doing OK IMHO.

Good luck!

Hassled · 15/06/2008 10:47

Agree with what others have said - breaking other people's hearts and having your own heart broken just goes with the territory at that age. Knowing that doesn't make it any easie to have to watch from the sidelines, though. You have all my sympathy - I found it hard enough to like my own DS1 when he was 19.

QuintessentialShadows · 15/06/2008 10:59

Carmenere, I am sorry to hear this. I understand why you are disappointed.

On the other hand, her other relationship cant have been that good if she left her bf for your dss. He may be heartbroken now, but better now than after getting married, involving himself in her further.

Sadly you cant do anything more than you are already doing.

Dont be too concerned with his moral fibre. At 19 I probably followed my passions more than my morals, and I have shaped up pretty well (ok, bar that ONE incident you know of).
Many people mature at a little slower rate in this respect. He may still mature. Maybe this particular incident will be something to learn from?

(Am I mistaken, or did he not have another interesting romance last summer?)

mamiguay · 15/06/2008 11:12

When I was 18 I broke up with my bf of 2 years and promptly started seeing another guy. Apparently from this my mother extrapolated that I had very weak moral fibre, was promiscuous (!) and that I had given her cause to be very disappointed in me.

Ok I hadn´t cheated on him (that she knew of) but her reaction was the same as yours here. She was disgusted.

I thought, and think, that she didn´t know what she was on about and was judging me, an 18 year old who was young, having fun, yes probably breaking hearts but also getting mine broken, by her 40-something year old standards. And that she was the one who was out of line for judging me. And for a while it really changed the way I saw her so at least on that count we were even.

So you know, you have all the right in the world to be outraged but I don´t think he necessarily has weak moral fibre. I think he´s 19. And her ex isn´t you. For all you know he´s happy to be rid of her and onto the next already and if he isn´t, hopefully he soon will be. In general hearts do mend pretty quickly at that age.

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