Partner clearly doesn't enjoy parenting, yet expects me to play 'Stepmum'

[StrugglingSM28]

I have been with my partner (not married) for around 3 years now and we live together. He has two children (now 7 and 12) and they stay with us EOW and for longer during the holidays (usually 50%).

At the beginning of the relationship, there were no expectations on me to be as involved as I am now and no conversations either. But fast forward a few years, the pressure started to mount from him for me to 'parent' the two children (now 7 and 12) and there was a point where I didn't think it could work. He didn't feel I was doing enough and I felt he was asking too much.

I've sought therapy to understand my feelings better and we have both compromised with our expectations when the kids are here. He of course would like me to do a lot more but I think it's fair to say we have met in the middle. His family have even stated that the reason we work so well is because I have boundaries and I was unwilling to be forced into what didn't feel natural.

Anyway, the reason for this post is because EOW I still have the feeling that I would rather they weren't here. My partner is all happy, silly and enthusiastic when they first arrive, but towards the end of the weekend will make comments like 'I cannot wait for them to go home'. He has openly admitted how difficult they are (in terms of needing attention) and every other Sunday he seems to feel ill... More recently he's been speaking more and more about how we should move abroad as soon as the youngest hits 16...Even in front of her!

We have just had them for a longer period of time due to the summer holidays. I would be out most days at work, but it felt as though he was constantly looking to escape in the evenings, once I'd got home. He looked after them on the odd days whilst juggling work, but they were mainly in summer camp/being looked after by family.

To paint more of a picture, usually on the weekends that we have them he will invite his parents to join us for a day out. This may sound lovely but I know that it's only to share the parenting load. If I'm away, I've noticed a pattern where he will very rarely have them on his own. He will rope in another family member to share the parenting load. He will also constantly be asking when I'm coming home (this doesn't happen when it's a non-kids weekend). I think he really struggles but again, won't admit that.

Am I being unreasonable to resist the pressure he has put on me to 'parent' the children and 'step up' when he clearly struggles too. He has expressed the desire for us to be a family unit and for the children to look at us as equals but they have a mother already. I do a lot for them domestically which is a thankless task in itself. I think it is a big ask :(

Regardless of whether or not you want children, nothing would put me off a man more than seeing him behave this way towards his own kids. What a twat.

I honestly think he is a lazy sexisy shit. And I also think poor kids and poor birth mum.
And I also think poor you.
Is leaving him an option?

he’s a lazy manipulative parent getting you to do the parenting heavy lifting.
the teen kids will rip you to shreds.
how can you live with such a repulsive man? I couldn’t stand him as a neighbor forget a partner major ick.

Step-parenting is hard enough when your partner loves his children, but in your case he can’t seem to stand them either, so there’s fuck all chance of you bonding with them when he doesn’t seem to give two shits.

You said you wasnt 100 percent sure you didnt want kids but now you know you don't. Is it possible that you just don't with him. You are giving up the possibility of having your own kids if you found the right supportive man who wants to play an active role in family life. Would you think differently if he were different. If you think yes, the possibility of having kids might be back on the table if he were different then I really think you should leave him.
Tbh your life sounds shit, parenting kids that arent yours, being forced into a corner you don't want to be in. The growing resentment will probably be the end of the relationship in the end anyway and you might as well end it now and at leadt give yourself the chance to see if you might want kids with a different kind of person. Maybe you still won't but right now you are just unhappy and completely blocking your chances to explore this.

It's sad that you wouldn't want to have kids just due to this experience. With the right partner it can be a wonderful experience.

I still couldn't be in love with a man who doesn't take responsability for his children. He sounds lazy and not very mature. What would happen if you got sick or had a disability? He would make a run for it probably.

He is a terrible father and I would find this very unattractive .

This is terrible advice. Nobody should be suggesting a parent spends less time with their kids, least of all his partner.

‘I'm so happy with every other aspect of our relationship’

That’s a short-sighted, selfish statement.

The father’s parenting of his DC is perhaps the most important indicator of his character.

Perhaps one of the reasons why your partner (a father) has time, energy and motivation to focus on your relationship (and himself) is because he is an inadequate parent and directly taking away his time, energy and attention from his DC.

That’s down to him, but it’s crap to ignore it because he’s nice to YOU.

Your choices and perspective enable him to do this, so you’re actively complicit in the harm he’s doing to his DC.

Perhaps he is also nice to you most of the time to seek to maintain the ‘nanny with a fanny’ set up.

OP, well done for having some boundaries but this is not a good man.

He is a selfish bare minimum dad who wants everyone to HIS job.

How can you stomach such a lousy excuse for a father.

Definitely not someone to have a child with ever.

Move on. You are too good for this waster.

I think considering you dont even want kids, i would leave him.

Honestly, the fact that the two of you just have a lovely time pretending he doesn’t have any kids 90% of the time doesn’t reflect well on either of you. Of course they’re not your children so you owe them nothing but I’m totally baffled by a woman who can feel anything but disgust towards a man who IS a parent and is such a nasty one. Even if I didn’t want kids I would be put off (understatement) by someone who had them and was actively mistreating them to the point of them likely needing significant therapy in future. Even if you don’t want to be a mum, how to you find such a neglectful and emotionally abusive father attractive and how are you able to just ignore that’s who he is?

So you’re happy with paying 95% of all the household bills and doing all the housework as per your other thread! Being used as a nanny with a fanny plus a nurse with a purse isn’t a good relationship, it’s being taken for a mug

Why can’t you see what a useless lazy tightarse low effort waste of space he is?

What exactly are his good points?

Under no circumstances have children with this man.

Another loser dad who has found a new woman to parent his own children. Poor children.

Tell your partner you will be going away at weekends, to give him quality time with his children. You will very soon find out whether he values you for anything other than child care.