Partner clearly doesn't enjoy parenting, yet expects me to play 'Stepmum'

[StrugglingSM28]

I have been with my partner (not married) for around 3 years now and we live together. He has two children (now 7 and 12) and they stay with us EOW and for longer during the holidays (usually 50%).

At the beginning of the relationship, there were no expectations on me to be as involved as I am now and no conversations either. But fast forward a few years, the pressure started to mount from him for me to 'parent' the two children (now 7 and 12) and there was a point where I didn't think it could work. He didn't feel I was doing enough and I felt he was asking too much.

I've sought therapy to understand my feelings better and we have both compromised with our expectations when the kids are here. He of course would like me to do a lot more but I think it's fair to say we have met in the middle. His family have even stated that the reason we work so well is because I have boundaries and I was unwilling to be forced into what didn't feel natural.

Anyway, the reason for this post is because EOW I still have the feeling that I would rather they weren't here. My partner is all happy, silly and enthusiastic when they first arrive, but towards the end of the weekend will make comments like 'I cannot wait for them to go home'. He has openly admitted how difficult they are (in terms of needing attention) and every other Sunday he seems to feel ill... More recently he's been speaking more and more about how we should move abroad as soon as the youngest hits 16...Even in front of her!

We have just had them for a longer period of time due to the summer holidays. I would be out most days at work, but it felt as though he was constantly looking to escape in the evenings, once I'd got home. He looked after them on the odd days whilst juggling work, but they were mainly in summer camp/being looked after by family.

To paint more of a picture, usually on the weekends that we have them he will invite his parents to join us for a day out. This may sound lovely but I know that it's only to share the parenting load. If I'm away, I've noticed a pattern where he will very rarely have them on his own. He will rope in another family member to share the parenting load. He will also constantly be asking when I'm coming home (this doesn't happen when it's a non-kids weekend). I think he really struggles but again, won't admit that.

Am I being unreasonable to resist the pressure he has put on me to 'parent' the children and 'step up' when he clearly struggles too. He has expressed the desire for us to be a family unit and for the children to look at us as equals but they have a mother already. I do a lot for them domestically which is a thankless task in itself. I think it is a big ask :(

My ex stepped up when he got a gf. She takes our child to school and I feel like he only parents really when she's there. Don't be used.

To help you understand how awful this bloke is op, would it help if you imagined how it would play out if you reverse your roles.

so you have 2 children. Your ex looks after them 90% of the time and you do EOW. You moan about that. Do you think he would do all their laundry etc, look after them as much as you do for his, and be seeking therapy to work out why he doesn’t love them enough? Would you be telling him to step up and do more, whilst you lied around pretending to be ill every other weekend?

Any man who behaved like that to his own children would instantly give me the ick.

i suspect subconsciously you might have it, because if he was truly the love of your life and doting father to his children I think that would be infectious and rub off on you…..

How are you supposed to love and accept his children when he clearly doesn’t?

What were you thinking when you moved in together? Just because they’re are his children doesn’t mean that as a couple you don’t parent them together when they are with you? Did you expect to look yourself in the bedroom and ignore them?

There are thousands of step parents in the country who don’t just ignore kids who are from a previous relationship.

Franky, I’m not sure who’s worse, him or you. In either case, poor kids, I’m sure they really can’t wait to see the back of both of you.

can you suggest you don’t have them EOW but maybe one weekend a month or one day each weekend? I agree you aren’t their mum so. Get a hobby that will take you away every weekends

Parenting is hard but you get on with it, and he doesn't even have them as much as their mother does. He's lazy and should have thought about it before having a second child!
I would get rid of the horrible cretin tbh.

Why are you with such a fucking deadbeat?

I'd never be involved with anyone who didn't like his own kids and wanted to move away from them. He sounds an absolute disgrace. Poor kids.

You think a father should only look after his own kids 2 days in 30?

He doesn’t like spending time with his kids and expects you to pick up the slack. They aren’t your kids, they aren’t your responsibility. Personally, I couldn’t do this and would have to exit the relationship. What does he bring to your life? When he left the mum of his kids, he decided to have them 50% of the time from then on. Do you not feel totally taken advantage of by him? That would be the end for me. He doesn’t want a partner, he wants a surrogate mum for his kids so he can skive off. The man needs to step up to his responsibilities. Loser.

They aren’t her children, they’re his. Hope that helps.

Poor children. I could not be in a relationship with a man who was so apathetic about his own children.

Putting aside how unreasonable it is of him to make you parent his children (which it is) how can you stand to be with a man who is such an awful father? It says terrible things about who he is as a person.

He sounds like an utterly shit dad. I couldn't be with a man like that.

Why are you with him? He doesn’t sound like a nice person and it’s really damaging for his children to talk like that be like that round him. I can’t imagine wanting to be with a man who treats his own children like that. You deserve better or he needs to actually start being a dad.

I do not, no. I was never 100% going into the relationship but it's clear I would be on my own now...

You are right, thank you. I think he may have thought that he could mould me in the beginning but it hasn't worked and now here we are :/. It's tough as I enjoy all other aspects of our relationship.

I think you are spot on there. And thank you for your response. As I've said in other responses, I feel conflicted as every other part of our relationship works well. When they go it's almost like out of sight, out of mind and then they return again and so do these resentful feelings :(

Thanks. There isn't much flexibility unfortunately as it was all done through the courts, nor do I think OP would ever openly admit to wanting them less.

I have started doing more things for myself during the weekends but I still feel guilty at times.

Sorry, I'm new to posting and didn't realise I had answered a similar question yesterday. Believe me, I wish I wasn't in this situation.

I'm so sorry that happened to you and to your relationship :(

He does, and I'm so happy with every other aspect of our relationship which is why this is so difficult. If I wasn't happy I would've been gone a long time ago.

No, I moved in with him and I have my own property that I rent out.

Think very carefully OP. From what you have said he struggles because he prioritises himself and doesn’t want to make an effort for anyone else. What would happen if you became ill and needed his support? The number of men who leave their partners if they get cancer is huge. He sounds like exactly the type to do this.

And he has manipulated you into feeling guilty for not taking on his responsibilities. At the crux of it, he’s not a nice person. Is that something you are willing to overlook?

All relationships are great when it’s good. Even ted Bundy a girlfriends could say that.

the ONLY time you get to test the strength of a partner is when something goes wrong. It has and he has massively failed.

dismiss that at your peril.