Partner clearly doesn't enjoy parenting, yet expects me to play 'Stepmum'

[StrugglingSM28]

I have been with my partner (not married) for around 3 years now and we live together. He has two children (now 7 and 12) and they stay with us EOW and for longer during the holidays (usually 50%).

At the beginning of the relationship, there were no expectations on me to be as involved as I am now and no conversations either. But fast forward a few years, the pressure started to mount from him for me to 'parent' the two children (now 7 and 12) and there was a point where I didn't think it could work. He didn't feel I was doing enough and I felt he was asking too much.

I've sought therapy to understand my feelings better and we have both compromised with our expectations when the kids are here. He of course would like me to do a lot more but I think it's fair to say we have met in the middle. His family have even stated that the reason we work so well is because I have boundaries and I was unwilling to be forced into what didn't feel natural.

Anyway, the reason for this post is because EOW I still have the feeling that I would rather they weren't here. My partner is all happy, silly and enthusiastic when they first arrive, but towards the end of the weekend will make comments like 'I cannot wait for them to go home'. He has openly admitted how difficult they are (in terms of needing attention) and every other Sunday he seems to feel ill... More recently he's been speaking more and more about how we should move abroad as soon as the youngest hits 16...Even in front of her!

We have just had them for a longer period of time due to the summer holidays. I would be out most days at work, but it felt as though he was constantly looking to escape in the evenings, once I'd got home. He looked after them on the odd days whilst juggling work, but they were mainly in summer camp/being looked after by family.

To paint more of a picture, usually on the weekends that we have them he will invite his parents to join us for a day out. This may sound lovely but I know that it's only to share the parenting load. If I'm away, I've noticed a pattern where he will very rarely have them on his own. He will rope in another family member to share the parenting load. He will also constantly be asking when I'm coming home (this doesn't happen when it's a non-kids weekend). I think he really struggles but again, won't admit that.

Am I being unreasonable to resist the pressure he has put on me to 'parent' the children and 'step up' when he clearly struggles too. He has expressed the desire for us to be a family unit and for the children to look at us as equals but they have a mother already. I do a lot for them domestically which is a thankless task in itself. I think it is a big ask :(

My exH didn’t enjoy parenting and checked out. he likes his own free time too much and is lazy and selfish. He does a minimal amount eg a meal and movie. His loss.

i suspect the dc will just stop coming - id give the older one 2 years max. Its really hard on kids self esteem - they can see their parent get bored of them. My DS would notice his dad’s disinterest and say it made him feel he wasn’t good enough. It’s not your problem to fix (or their mum’s). They may need therapy themselves. Even if you did more it won’t make up for his disinterest. It will be their dad’s attention they want.

I would also say that once you are not involved in the day to day lives of your children eg if you do eow only - that a distance naturally creeps in and you won’t have the same connection with your dc. you can’t just suddenly reignite the closeness in holidays. Especially when they are busy teens if you aren’t catching moments as and when they happen day to day then you aren’t going to stay close to them.

I don’t see how he can criticise you for not being part of a family unit which clearly doesn’t really exist between him and his dc anyway. He’s just looking to offload the work.

Please don’t tell us he moved into your property?

How could anyone find a man like this attractive? Don’t waste your time (and chance of being a mother) on someone who aims to spend less time with his children. This really defines him as a waste of space.

I'd dump him for being a shit dad full stop. The things he says and does in front of his children? Ugh.

I'd like it if @StrugglingSM28 came back and responded.

I think people have already figured out why the relationship with his children's mother failed. It's not an attractive trait.

Deeply unattractive behaviour on his part - I would lose all attraction & respect for a partner who so obviously found his children a bore.

Yanbu

This

He’s a poor father and sexist: you’d be better off without the loser.

he sounds like a rubbish Dad which would put me off him altogether. Fancy saying he can’t wait for them to go home when he only has them EOW. Poor kids.

Honestly he just sounds like a user and a crap dad. Get rid of as quick as possible.

He only sees them 4 days a month and still can’t manage 🫠 useless bag of bones.

clearly he need to have some boundaries so he doesn’t wear himself out and schedule their time a bit better for the days he has them. None of this has anything to do with you

do not give in to the pressure.

Apart from anything else massive turn off surely? Nothing more unappealing than an incompetent man and shit father. These men that can't handle their own kids are an embarrassment to the human race.

He might need a parenting class if he can’t manage a 7 and 12 year old.

nothing more unattractive than being a shit father.

So to summarise - he's an absolutely shit, useless dad who's fooled you into being the the au pair with benefits. Is that what you want for yourself OP?

If he has moved in to your property I would very much encourage him to move out. That way you can ensure he steps up to being a parent without him dragging you in to a situation you very much haven’t bargained for.

I think the phrase for this is "Nanny with a fanny" Dump him. Now.

Leave him, OP. He's really done a number on you to have you questioning yourself and in therapy because he's a lazy, shitty parent.

I don't think I could be with someone who treated his own kids like this when he only sees them eow. So lazy and selfish.

I dont think this is fair to the children or you.

And tbh if he doesnt love his children are you sure if you weren't making his life easier hed not get bored and frustrated of you?

Love isnt just a feeling its actions and his are subpar

So he only has them EOW except the holidays, and STILL can't be arsed? Poor kids. He's a shit dad, OP. I couldn't date someone who didn't give a crap about their children.

“Let’s move abroad as soon as youngest is 16”
so he doesn’t have to parent?
This is exactly what my ex did.
And everyone thinks he’s a cunt too.

Parenting is hard, but parenting at 7 & 12 year old EOW is a piece of piss. What a pathetic specimen he is

OP
If he can shrug his own kids off, he WILL do that to you too at some point.

This man is not a good man- not one to hitch your wagon to.

Even if I didn’t want children myself, I could not be with a man that has such low regard for his own children. He sounds awful. Plus expecting you to step up because he can’t be arsed. I’d get rid!

It might be that the relationship has run its course, OP, and it's time to move on. There's nothing more unattractive than people who shirk their responsibilities.

If your going to be with someone that got kids you really need to be into being a step mum otherwise your in for a difficult ride