To parents whose children have step parents

[ohdearmemummy]

context: My step children’s Mum is on her 5th partner. Each one introduced to the children. None flagged with their dad before this. 4/5 they’ve been on ‘holiday’ with. They are both under 10.

Dh and ex split due to her affair. Dh met me quickly after. We waited around 10 months before I met children but he introduced me to her first. All hugs and niceness until he started divorced proceedings. It’s been hideous since. She split with affair partner and now as I say on 5th partner.

It is as about bad as it can be for two relatively decent parents who both adore their children.

Me and DH are now 6 years in. Married with one shared child. I have no other children.

My question is, as a MUM would you really introduce your children to this many men? I mean, on paper my step children’s mum has a lot to offer, she’s got a decent business, nice house (ridiculous amount of child maintenance) good car, is attractive, could have her pick or men. Don’t get it. Not sure why she thinks it’s ok for people to come and go? These men semi move in, do school pick ups, go on holidays, then disappear.

Is this ok ?

Well no, it's not ideal is it? But you know that. All you can do is provide the most stable life you can for the children. Unless you intend going for full time custody?? You know most will agree on here that's it's not a great situation for the children..what is it you want from your post?

I think you rather gave away your real concern when you listed her positive attributes as including:

“nice house (ridiculous amount of child maintenance)”

And in fact your list of her attributes begins with a list of her assets.

Of course it's not okay but what can you do? If she gets ridiculous child maintenance then your DH can't be having them 50/50 - why don't you do that and then you'll be able to give them stability for half the time?

@CuriousKangaroo I actually started with describing her as decent. Then attractive.

He has them just under 50% but with half terms, it does actually work out to be around 50%. Just during term time she is more flexible. It went through court. Plus all the extra time we do when she asks. The child maintenance is based on the fact on paper she has majority and his salary so it’s a lot. He has a good job. A ridiculous amount he doesn’t begrudge paying. Is that all ok?

I’ve got no disrespect for her, just this gob smacking approach to these men.

@Humanswarm I don’t know. Just maybe someone to say, yes it’s not ok. Because their Mum doesn’t seem to think it’s an issue or any of my husbands business.

Not much worse than forcing them into a "blended" family with a half-sibling where everything will always be inherently unfair. You don't have the moral high ground here.

@ArtTheClownIsNotAMime pretty vile.

the ‘blended’ family and ‘half’ sibling (just legs no heart) brings them joy. Lots of laugh. Today we were at the beach and my step son said his stomach hurt from laughing. pretty shitty life poor loves.

@Bigfatsunandclouds we do just try to wrap them up. Say nothing about it. Carry on with the day to day.

No, you didn’t describe her as decent, you described her business as decent, i.e. another asset.

Obviously no one should be introducing new partners quickly or in quick succession, but I rather doubt your account is balanced here. And I have noticed that anyone who insinuates that child maintenance is too high, never has the actual step children’s best interests in mind.

You don’t like her, huh.

Her life, her kids, not your business. If your partner thinks it’s a problem, it’s up to him to deal with it. He’s spending “ridiculous” amounts supporting his children (not sure how much is too much when it comes to that) so I’m sure he’ll be on the ball if anything is causing them problems. Children don’t spontaneously combust when adults come in and out of their lives so I’m sure they’ll be grand.

Not sure why you need to be a parent of children with a step parent to answer this. Step-parents are irrelevant here. What you're asking is "Is it OK for a single parent to introduce multiple partners to their children?"

Personally I think no. But then my niece has met many many of her mums bfs. Doesn't seem to have done her any harm. (For context she's met more of Mums partners in 8 years than mine did in 15)

Unless to test abuse or neglect suspected, you and your partner have no right to say who she sees and when.

Its just one of those things that comes with broken families.

You do you and focus on the kids when they’re with you.

I don’t really think in your situation you can criticise if you met your dh quickly after his marriage breakup. It’s not like either partner really took the time to focus on their kids is it?

Why is the amount of child maintenance “ridiculous”? What is the contact arrangement? To be honest, I’d look very dimly on a man that had his children less than about 40% of the time unless there was a very good reason. Why are the new partners doing school pick ups , is the ex struggling for childcare? Why doesn’t your dh do the pick ups instead?

I know a few people like your dh’s ex and they are extremely insecure and vulnerable, and open to manipulation. I worry for their wellbeing, rather than looking down on them.

I’ve been a single parent 4.5 years and no sign of that changing anytime soon. I don’t think it’s great for kids to be introduced to lots of partners and it’s not something I would do. That being said I think the hand wringing about it that goes on about this on MN is unnecessary and exaggerated. I think it’s actually worse for children to be forced to live with a step parent, and possibly step siblings, long term if they don’t get on. How do you know that the children are happier and more settled at your house?

my parents were divorced, I had no issue with any of my dads girlfriends, some were brief and other less so. Probably at least 5 during my childhood. My relationship with dad is strong and I never thought of them as ‘step parents’ even when they were a big part of
my life for a time.

My mum had one long term partner after the divorce, he was the issue and impacted my life negatively…. So I’d say you really shouldn’t judge. It’s not like you’ve got the moral high ground on stability for these
kids. You’ve given them a half sibling which is also potentially very difficult (also might be totally fine, just like introducing lots of partners)

It might be worth gently reminding yourself that not everything happening in your stepchildren's mum's personal life is something you can influence or really need to give this much headspace to. You may not agree with her choices, but ultimately, if the children are safe and cared for, it’s not your job to micromanage how she lives.

This is what I have noticed with my friends who have divorced parents. They have a closer relationship with the parent who didn’t marry again, even if that parent did date and have relationships. One of my colleagues only visits her mum once a year simply because she doesn’t get on with her stepdad.

My children say they don't want anyone living in our house or me to have a boyfriend. Luckily I'm not interested in any kind of relationship at present so it's not going to happen and I certainly will not live with another man.

They have liked their dad's girlfriends but don't like sharing their dad as they are always around when they are there (he does EOW) and so they get no alone time when he has a girlfriend and they don't like it.

It's not ideal having many boyfriends but I also think being forced to live with a step parent isn't great either. People fall in love and you make the best of it, but I don't think anyone can claim a moral high ground in any of it as ideally we would all just focus on the kids and never break up in the first place or never have another relationship again which isn't going to happen.

No it's an amount of child maintenance you think is ridiculous but that he doesn't begrudge paying.

Obviously it’s not good for the kids to have a string of men introduced to them. But on here step-mums are often demonised so of course you’re being torn to shreds.

i’m in pretty much the same set up as you. 3 different step-dads in 5 years, introduced and moved in within months of meeting. 2/3 have physically harmed (or were grooming - we know this from a police disclosure following a Sarah’s law request) and we can only hope this latest one means no harm to the children. Emotionally they are clearly affected but their mom does love them and doesn’t neglect them (she split from the partner after the police disclosure so social services aren’t interested in supporting her further) so nothing will ever meet a threshold for the kids not being in her care and they love her despite the chaos in their lives caused by the revolving door of men.

How their mother lives her life is none of your business. I don't understand how that is difficult for you to understand. And child maintenance won't be ridiculously high, it's calculated based on their father's salary. You don't have the right to have influence on how their mum lives her life just because their father pays maintenance
Maybe she's more choosey than you, and doesn't just stick with the first one that comes along
Stop bitching about her looks and assets, and work on your own obviously miserable little life

I mean you were introduced in 10 months.

5 step dads in 5/6 years is one a year. No worse than your dh except your relationship lasted but it could have gone either way.

So no I don’t agree with jumping into the children’s lives so early but time scale wise hardly one to judge now are you.

Unless these men are a danger then just as your dh did it’s up to her when she introduces these men.

Oh that's nothing OP.

My friend's sister, has 3 kids, 3 different dads. Eldest Son is 13, lives with aunty. Sees his real dad, via Auntie. her Middle daughter is 6 and lives with her, but has known 4 different "dads". Doesn't know real dad. Youngest daughter is 4, never met real dad, thinks a guy in prison is her dad and despite splitting up, the child is ferried to prison visits to see "dad" as she was told this man is his dad, and they all want to keep up the pretence. And now the mother has moved in with another guy, who lives 4 hours away, left the 6 year old with her Mum, and took the 4 year old with her ... and now she's is pregnant again. (4th child to 4th man)

That’s a very sad tale. But obviously posters above would tell any step-mom’s to butt out and it’s none of their business. You’re obviously not allowed to be concerned about kids you have in your home once they’re outside of it no matter what chaos is occurring 🙄

@bellamorgan i think it’s about the fact that it’s a recurring theme, after introducing a partner once and that not lasting most people ought to think very carefully about doing it again and once it becomes a pattern that’s when it’s really damaging. Pre-kids most of us probably had multiple relationships and it’s normal for them not to last long term, but it’s about whether or not it’s the right thing to do to introduce children into that dating experience. The reason most people argue you should wait 6+ months to meet the kids is so you have a realistic idea of whether this is likely to be a long-lasting relationship because it’s generally considered to be damaging to children to have lots of different strangers brought in and out of their home. If people are just introduced as mom/dad’s partner and seen casually that’s one thing, but moving in being a step-parent implies a level of commitment and care and it is damaging to children to have people they thought loved them disappear when the relationship ends.

I'm sure he also laughs when on holiday with his mum and her boyfriends.

Sounds like you think you are somehow better than her because you’ve built a perceived stable home and you don’t change partners frequently. What is coming across though is some jealousy or insecurity otherwise why would you be looking for strangers on the internet to basically agree with you and tell you that the ex is an awful mum?
I’d say it’s her business who she dates.

Op you and your dh are lucky you found each other, she is obviously looking for something she can’t find and not realising she’s not doing her child any favours doing it. All you can do is be there and hope she starts realising she needs to figure stuff out.