Feeling used

[lavenderanddaisies]

I’m sorry if this comes out a bit scrambled, my head is a bit messed up.
My husband and I had a disagreement last night. Things have been tough with my sc for a while. They don’t want to engage with me anymore and I’ve respected that. Made sure they feel welcome, still drive them places, make sure they’re well cared for when here etc. But I’m starting to feel like I’m wanted for the good parts and that’s it. Dh constantly wants me to almost perform. He wants me to make an extra effort to take sc places and go out of my way to create fun moments but whenever I try and offer care and advice towards sc I’m ignored. For example, the child lost a close family member a few years ago and is going to lose another soon. I know how much they struggled before and I’ve suggested some lovely ideas to try and help them cope this time. I’ve suggested dh and exw sit down with sc and help them prepare for it etc. But I’m totally ignored in this. Whenever I try and suggest things that will help sc and I try to protect them it’s just ignored. I know it’s not my child but how do I bond with someone when I want to help and protect but I’m not wanted. I’m someone who cares and loves really deeply and this is all hurting me and I don’t know what else to do. I tried to explain to dh that I’m being distant because I’m hurt but he just doesn’t get it.
This is just one example but there are lots more. Dh doesn’t seem to have a drive to thing ahead and parent in the same way I do. He’s amazing with my kids but then that’s because he doesn’t do the parenting as such, he’s there for the fun things. Sc has very little age appropriate structure at their mums house and dh just ignores it all and I can for see a lot of problems in the future.

That sounds tough op.
I would stop doing things for them, they can't have it both ways. Still be pleasant and engage with them, but stop the lifts and leave the 'fun' moments for dh to do and step away. If asked why then just say you're giving them space to spend time together.
You get to then do your own thing.
If you can see lots of problems in the future, it might be time to rethink if this is what you want long term.

This is pretty much what I’ve been doing. The only lift I’ve given lately is the one home as dh doesn’t drive so it saves a lot of time on public transport.
It’s the expectation from dh yet the total disregard for my care towards sc. Then it’s turned around on me for being distant when I’ve poured my heard into a child to only be ignored not only by the child but my advice ignored by my dh.
Ive poured so much into this relationship and if it doesn’t work I’ve told myself I’m not trying again as I can’t take the hurt.

I'm going to make a guess here. Has he moved into your house? There is a long history of men on this site who move into a woman's house, act like Disney dad with her child and refuses comments on his own children who are badly brought up but expects a lot of help with childcare, lifts and money.

You sound like you care but really you can’t expect to tell him and his ex - the child’s actual mother how to parent - that’s never going to going down well! put yourself in her shoes - I’d be telling you to fuck right off.

@babasaclovershes not telling the mother how to parent she’s telling her husband her suggestion/ thoughts on managing a possible difficulty for a child that is part of her life and her family. Her husband doesn’t need to tell the mother it came from the OP if he decided to action it or suggest to mum.

Yes exactly this. I am not telling either of them how to parent at all. There are many things that go on at the mums house which I don’t agree with but her house her rules. There have been a few instances where I can see sc struggling and I’ve made suggestions to dh and they’ve just been ignored. Suggestions of how to help sc as they’ve been crying a lot. I just don’t know how I’m meant to love this child as my own (which people on here seem to say) when I can’t help them with their struggles. It’s so so hard being a stepmom.

TBH you need to step back and let them parent as they see fit. Your husband has no problem with taking that approach with your children and it's not wrong. How much ferrying about you want to do is up to you.

@lavenderanddaisiesIt really is in such complex ways that are hard to understand unless you experience it. My only advice is you need a very open conversation with your husband where you can say everything you need to and he can agree on a resolution. Without understanding from him I honestly don’t see how this can be resolved.
Its not the same as your situation but I found this very insightful https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/jul/17/leading-questions-wary-of-stepdaughter-am-i-a-bad-person

I have stepped back and I have never tried to parent them, merely made some suggestions to dh that I feel may help sc deal with some struggles they are having.
It is however, hard to have someone in my life whom I’m expected to care deeply for yet I cannot make any real difference, or that’s how it feels. I’m expected to be there for the good parts and be connected yet also be disconnected. It’s hard for me to get my head around.

You have hit the nail on the head @lavenderanddaisies , if I could afford I’d have had seen a regular counsellor to have a neutral place I could vent and work things out.
I have got there myself in the end and found a balance but it’s been a hard journey.

Dh constantly wants me to almost perform. He wants me to make an extra effort to take sc places

I'll bet he does, because he chooses to not drive. Very convenient to him having a woman he can palm his kid off onto, chauffeur around, and if you dare complain, he starts a fight with you.

Does this marriage really serve you and improve your life?

How old are they @lavenderanddaisies ?

Do the SC not behave civilly towards you?

Not sure how old they are but if my SC said that, fine. But how can they say this then visit their dad in your home and then you drive them home? Me thinks you’re a bit of a door mat and need to make a stand here 😊

How old are these kids?

If older (as in teenagers) I’d be stepping back. They don’t get to enjoy all the good parts (as in beneficial to them) of having you in their lives but giving nothing back in terms of positive interaction. Tell your DH you won’t be ‘performing’ and trying to create moments for them anymore. Sorry to say but right now all you are is a taxi. And why the hell are you running them how from contact with you guys? I’d be stopping that quick style. He can get them home on public transport or mum can pick them up. They are all using you and it needs to stop.

If these are young kids I’d be inclined to have more empathy and patience. You can still offer care and nurture but try not to be so invested. You aren’t their parent and there is only so much you can do and expect from them.

I also would avoid weighing in with parenting suggestions. They clearly aren’t interested.

I’m a step mum as well. I don’t have children of my own, but I have been raising the kids since they were toddlers and they are now teenage boys. I get along quite well with his ex wife.

I do most of the parenting in the house and their mum is aware of it.

If I was being treated how you are describing I would pull right back. There wouldn’t be any rides and fun times with me. It would be basic things I need to do to ensure their safety and needs are met.

If he wants you to do all these things, he has to work with you and not ignore you.

I'd definitely take a step back, as an honest observer, I'd say it's probably not your place to offer advice on those type of personal issues and they clearly feel that way as they are not open to listening/following it, so take their lead. You can love/care for people without needing to give advice, i know it might be tricky but i think there are other relationships where advice is not requested/warranted but you can still be there for them (certain friendships for example, where you know they dont want an opinion or advice, they just want to talk/vent). I would agree a rule with dh where you only give advice/offer an opinion when specifically asked, and as a result he can't vent at you/raise issues unless he expects and respects your opinion.. However, it's insane you're expected to drive them around because he doesn't/won't. You're not a live in nanny and i can see why you feel like this. Yes it's reasonable that you're warm/caring towards them and they're welcome, but going out of your way to fulfill a role that he isn't fulfilling is ridiculous of him to expect. Again, I'd agree some boundaries, they're always welcome but they're there to visit their dad, and it's quality time with their dad. Its hia job to plan, organise and make thinga happen for them. You might be invited or join in with some of it, share experiences, enjoy special moments, but you're definitely not there to do the labouring of a parent, that's his job. Bluntly, it's rare for kids to empathise and appreciate your position as a step parent, you can't expect them to, so don't lay that at their door. It's their dads job to appreciate your position and agree roles and boundaries that work for you and his kids (and to an extent his ex wife too because the job of advising, parenting and ferrying these kids about is just theirs as co parents).

If they are teenaged- teens are hard. Don’t take it personally

How is your relationship with the partner is it generally good? Or is that suffering too

You are feeling used because you ARE being used.

To them you are an appliance, and appliances aren’t meant to talk back.

In your shoes I’d drop the ball.

Nobody likes unsolicited advice. Nobody.
Why don't you ask what would be suitably supportive instead.

Thanks for all the replies.
Sc is 8 years old and I’ve been in their life for 5 years.
@aWeeCornishPastieour relationship is amazing other than this area. I’ve become quiet and withdrawn when sc is around and keep to myself which my dh finds hard because he likes including me.
I think I likely have ASD and I have a very black and white thinking. I am a very protective and caring person and it’s hard to switch off that advice when it’s someone who’s in my home and my close life. I guess it’s something I need to work on doing but for now I’m not there so I think continuing to keep a distance is my only real option.

Your dh is the parent, he needs to take on ALL the responsibility for his child, that means him making the effort to entertain the child, taking his child to and from his own home whether that's by bus or train, it doesn't matter, more time with dad, he can teach the 8yr old how to buy tickets and how to stay safe on public transport.
Id be dropping the rope completely, you ARE being used.

I really don’t see the issue here.

An aunt, a grandparent, an older sibling is someone who cares deeply about a child. They’ll have fun times with them and give them lifts. But they are not the child’s parent and so it isn’t up to them to offer advice on how the parent deals with their child and any issues they have.

If someone posted on here about a MIL or a sister who was constantly saying “why don’t you deal with your child this way, why don’t you deal with them that way” then the OP would be told to tell the relative to butt out.

People saying you are being used/ are a doormat? You said yourself your DH cares for and has fun with your children without overstepping so he isn’t expecting you to do anything he isn’t doing.

To be sulking around the house, refusing to engage in whatever activity your DH & SC are doing together because your DH doesn’t take up your advice on how to deal with the future grief his child may experience is childish and quite frankly, nonsensical .

If they don’t wish to engage with you, you respect their wishes, polite and distant, as they wish but not engaging is also giving no lifts. You explain this to DH and that’s it, I would be making plans to see friend or family when they come over.

The idea that the parent inherently knows best and therefore there should be no offers of advice or support is ridiculous.

Clearly parents don't always know or do what is in their child's best interests which is why other care givers have a responsibility to do so.

Sometimes children need someone to advocate for them, and their needs, as an individual.

In this case OP I think your proactive steps to try and help your SC might just be too much effort and hard work for their parents. In your situation I would completely step back but it would also change the way I viewed my partner.