Feeling used

[lavenderanddaisies]

I’m sorry if this comes out a bit scrambled, my head is a bit messed up.
My husband and I had a disagreement last night. Things have been tough with my sc for a while. They don’t want to engage with me anymore and I’ve respected that. Made sure they feel welcome, still drive them places, make sure they’re well cared for when here etc. But I’m starting to feel like I’m wanted for the good parts and that’s it. Dh constantly wants me to almost perform. He wants me to make an extra effort to take sc places and go out of my way to create fun moments but whenever I try and offer care and advice towards sc I’m ignored. For example, the child lost a close family member a few years ago and is going to lose another soon. I know how much they struggled before and I’ve suggested some lovely ideas to try and help them cope this time. I’ve suggested dh and exw sit down with sc and help them prepare for it etc. But I’m totally ignored in this. Whenever I try and suggest things that will help sc and I try to protect them it’s just ignored. I know it’s not my child but how do I bond with someone when I want to help and protect but I’m not wanted. I’m someone who cares and loves really deeply and this is all hurting me and I don’t know what else to do. I tried to explain to dh that I’m being distant because I’m hurt but he just doesn’t get it.
This is just one example but there are lots more. Dh doesn’t seem to have a drive to thing ahead and parent in the same way I do. He’s amazing with my kids but then that’s because he doesn’t do the parenting as such, he’s there for the fun things. Sc has very little age appropriate structure at their mums house and dh just ignores it all and I can for see a lot of problems in the future.

You hit the nail on the head there - it’s too much hard work for the parents. They are both the sort to bury their head in the sand and I’ve seen the upset this has caused sc multiple times.
I think this weekend has made me realise that they aren’t going to change their ways and in future I will keep my advise in my own head! But I will stick by the fact that this house has certain rules that all children have to stick to (mine and his). Other than that I think I’m sadly best focusing on my dc and leave dh and exw to sort out their own mess.

"For example, the child lost a close family member a few years ago and is going to lose another soon. I know how much they struggled before and I’ve suggested some lovely ideas to try and help them cope this time."

You've now updated the SC (singular) is only 8. It is highly unlikely that a child less than 5 years old (estimated due to your statement of a few years ago) is going to struggle with the death of a relative. So I am wondering if you are intolerant to how others parent. Let your DH (or DP) and the SC's mother parent how they see fit. You've been in this child's life for a while - but they were very young when their parents split. Perhaps the move by DH/DP in with you and your children was not a good move for that very young child. No need to reply. Just something for you to think about.

My DC (now much older) had a step-parent move in and try to take over at a not too different age. My-ex was weak, his partner had no children herself but every opinion under the sun as to how children should be parented. The fractured family reverberates still to this day. Sadly. I have often loved the phrase on here: bonus parent. I think that must take empathy, skill, care and a willingness to recognise all the adults in a child's life. Please be a bonus parent.

It is so painful when you love a child and can see that the actions or inactions of a parent are causing harm.

It is also so hurtful when your contributions and input is valued only if that doesn't require them to put in any additional effort or when you are picking up the slack for them.

I don't have any advice other than to say you are no unreasonable to distance yourself as much as possible from this situation.

It’s hard being a SC. Losing your parents to other partners and families isn’t easy on a child. You need to look at them from that perspective - in my culture the best SM is the one who serves her SC without expecting anything in return. These actions add up and one day before you know it they’ll come to you once they realise you are a consistent and safe space. It’s not about you, it’s about them.

I think your too invested in the wrong things, if you step back from overthinking the childs parenting and just be there as a positive role model they will come to you for support if and when they want. As long as children are cared for and loved ( even if its not to a standard youd like) id stay out of the parenting, it's beyond your control and life is hard enough.

As for being used this is often the vibe of a step parent I'm afraid, You have to put a child you didnt have naturally or by choice at the forefront of your life without mother natures help of that magical rush of love to start with. Your good enough for lifts and care and time and money - but not a say. Not everyone is cut out for this and not everyone is right for it.

Withdrawing because your partner wont parent the way you want is helping no-one. Certainly not your step child who I presume you want a good relationship with.In fact it sounds like a negitive environment for the child who will end up feeling unwanted in her Dads home. I'm not saying it's easy, it so incredibly hard but I think your destroying your chance of a relationship with your step child by behaving the way you are, which is such a shame for both of you.

The loss of a family member was 18 months ago and they still often cry about missing them so I think you’re a little wrong to say they can’t grieve at that age.

I’m not withdrawing because the child isn’t parented the way I think they should be. I’m withdrawing to protect my own mental health in a situation that is very challenging.

Thank you for understanding and seeing my perspective.
There’s a lot more to it than just this situation with losing a parent. I won’t go into too much detail on here but there are severe issues regarding the childs safety. But neither of sc birth parents seem bothered to protect them from certain risks and it’s so so hard.

This is good advice. I'd also have a talk with DH to discuss how you both would like to see your role in their lives evolve. If you have mismatched expectations it's time to realign.... Good Luck!

@thestepmumspacepodcast
dh would like to see us all doing things together. When it’s just us and my kids the blend is lovely, he wants to see that happening when sc is here too. At the start it was like that. Everyone got on and we all enjoyed being together. Then something changed in sc and it’s been hard work ever since. Of course I’d like it to get back to that place but sc is making it clear they don’t want to communicate with me (whilst telling dad they love me) so I’m giving them the space to come to me when they are ready.

Wow. 8 is still so little and to be so emotional and in need of support - this must be so hard to see. Sad that your DP is not open to suggestions. It sounds like your SC needs a lot more from their parents than they are getting.

They are a very sensitive child and I feel they do need a lot more support than they get. Sc mum does the day to day stuff with them but rarely anything extra. On the weekends they are with her she’s often sending him to stay elsewhere. Sc has been in childcare every week without fail from a very young age with parents taking annual leave and sc still being in childcare. They don’t really get that time to relax and unwind, or to bond so I think they have developed that extra neediness if that’s the right way of saying it. Sc mum will take her annual leave during school time and not school holidays for example. The only time sc gets out of childcare is if they are with us. It’s hard trying to help in a situation where a. I don’t feel wanted and b. It’s a mess someone else has created.

You pointing out the flaws in how they parent their child will never go down well. Instead of listening, accepting there may be truth in your words, he feels threatened and will never change his parenting style.
You are now being rejected and you need to step back and do exactly what they have requested, DH can sort out transport and taxis as you’ve been told child doesn’t want to engage with you. As long as you’re polite, respectful that’s all you do, DH can pick up the slack now.

I’m not picking out his flaws and don’t tell him how to parent. I just suggested a few nice things to help sc which were ignored.

You have a DH problem, SC not wanting to engage with you means not wanting to interact with you in any form.
H expects you to respect his SC wishes but then expects you to give lifts, take them to fun places and create fun memories, which is engaging with them!
He has the responsibility of getting them to places, taking them out or taking them home now, otherwise you are not respecting their wishes.
You need to stand up to him, tell him he is contradicting ‘not wanting to engage’, you are going to respect his children’s wishes and he can just deal with the changes.
The trouble is, you see flaws in SC upbringing, you are voicing it and trying to parent them, as you feel they should be, the actual parents in charge feel you are overstepping your boundaries. Whether ‘not wishing to engage’ has come from mum or child is irrelevant, you have to step back, if DH has a problem with that, he needs to discuss it with ex and child. Or if he respects that boundary then he has to respect it all and not pick and choose the meaning so he doesn’t have to put himself out.

You are picking at mum’s flaws which you have no control over, you can’t change how she parents, any problems have to be dealt with between mum and dad.
I’m not invalidating you, that SC’s needs are not being met, I’m only stating that you have no rights where SC is concerned.

You said there are safe guarding issues, he obviously confided in you so not wanting to communicate with you, would suggest he is under pressure to not tell you anything. He has told his dad he loves you, it sounds like he is being told to keep secrets.
I’m guessing this is your issue and your DH doesn’t want to rock the boat?
If SC is in danger then someone needs to blow the whistle and alert SS, is that what you are wanting advice for?