I am falling apart now

[Newkindofstepmum]

Why do the nice men still think the mother of their children is an angel even if she has behaved badly?
”She is the mother of my children, you must understand.”

Because they are scared of their ex , because their ex has them under the thumb , because they think it is the right thing to do , because they are weak , because they still love their ex , because they would rather piss you off than their ex .

Mumsnet had step mums btw.

I’m not even officially a stepmum but I am there for his kids no their mum doesn’t want them. Guess you meant hates and not has.

Is he nice if he’d rather upset his partner than his ex? I wouldn’t say so, no. Weak men behave like that and if you don’t want a weak man there are others available.

@AnneLovesGilbert that is what I am thinking. However a good friend had the same with her partner at the beginning when he got custody and they are ok 10 years later.

Do I just have to wait it out a little?

It is all new.

Why wait it out? You have no idea if it will get better.

Just move on. Take the reins of your own life in your hands.

Isn’t it that he doesn’t want to upset the mum in case she tries to eg. alienate the children from him, and they will always be his loves (at least I hope so, and so should you!)

If it’s not working for you, move on. You have enough information to make that decision. It doesn’t matter why he does it, simply that he does.

This is why I would only go out with a man with kids if his ex wife was dead. I don't want the influence of another woman in my relationship.

The mum abandoned DC 4 weeks ago.

She has a 10 month old baby with another man that she knew for 3 months before she was pregnant (planned on her side but did not tell the father). Now her behaviour is post natal depression.

He has custody now. But supposedly she has mental health problems. As do I but he dismisses mine.

I’ve read your other threads. It’s time to accept that this relationship is not meant to be.

This isn't the man for you, OP?

Did he move in with you?

Kindly, if your own mental health is poor, step away from his shit show.

This. If you struggle with your mental health you need someone who can create a calm, stable, positive and empathetic environment.
An alcoholic doesn’t recover spending their time in a bar. Mental health doesn’t improve living in stressful, negative and neglectful conditions.

:( sounds like it’d be better for your MH to move on x

Step parenthood is hard on those with robust mental health. If you suffer in any way, then I would walk away.

You’ve not specified what the behaviours that he is defending actually are? However on the whole I would say that it is positive that he is able to put his feelings aside and remember that she is still their mother. It sounds like she’s not able to safely see the DC at the moment? But if and when it is appropriate for the DC to have contact, then your DP maintaining a child focus approach will really be in the DCs best interest, if they want to restart contact with her.

The fact that he is not supporting you with your mental health challenges is not ok though, and regardless of what is going on with his children’s mother, I’d be seriously questioning if this relationship is working for you.

This! Honestly.

Self preservation

Enjoy being single and all that life has to offer. You could be enjoying the bliss of a childfree home, your peace, building your standards and confidence so that only an exceptionally high quality man would make you even consider dating him, and only if he massively enhances your life in every possible way.

There's no need at all to date some bloke with this degree of baggage who drags you into his chaos.

How many children have you taken on

And if she has abandoned them why are you still arguing about her if she is out of your life?

Then he isn't nice.

My husband is nice and he never defends his ex.

Don't put yourself through this.

You will do all the work and get no thanks and his ex will get all the sympathy.

Would it be better for his children if he talked about how much he hated their mother and how useless she was?

Fathers who are respectful of the women who birthed their children are better people than the ones who criticise just to make an insecure new partner feel better.