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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Think dp might have to give up his ds

32 replies

Ulysees · 26/05/2008 12:44

My dp is great with kids but can't build a relationship with his ds (6) It's so sad to see them together as his son just doesn't want to know. Dp's been split with the mum for years but gets on ok with her. She is very strange though (long story) so maybe her behaviour has influenced little one? She's the one who's suggested dp gives up his son. I just wonder if her being back with her abusive ex is something to do with it though? She may want dp out of the picture.
Ds has a bowel condition which can affect his mood and he is very very sensitive. My Dp gets so upset about the situation. My boys love him and get on great with their daddy so it must be hard to see.
I hope we can just keep on trying with him. Maybe as he grows he'll want to be with dp and us again.

OP posts:

Youcannotbeserious · 26/05/2008 23:48

i don't think your DP should give up trying to build his relationship with his son.... whatever issues exist, i can't imagine the effect that might have on a sensitive 6 yo....

I would suggest you DP just keeps on plugging away.

wildfish · 27/05/2008 10:45

Wanted to comment, but without more information its all speculation below.

My immediate reaction was
With DP having two other DS maybe he is expecting his DS to react similarly, same interests? attitudes? Maybe DP needs to try alternative ways of engaging DS.

The second reaction was DS might feel although its his dad, his dad has "new" children and he feels an outsider, which just helps perpetuate that feeling through negative reaction.

I would suggest keep gently hammering away, try different things, try and find out what DS really likes, or try new things he might like. But keep at it, and try to remain positive.

As a RP my X is always complaining I am brainwashing DS against her. But sitting here I can see her own actions are responsible. And I am not. Not saying your DP is doing the same (or even deliberately), but for a child the world is a lot simpler and bigger. Small things can be very big.

Original poster

Ulysees · 27/05/2008 12:51

sorry should have said my boys aren't his. His ds was like this before I came along, it's been going on 2 years.
He's going to see him tomorrow so hopefully it'll go well. I'll keep encouraging him non the less.
I think his son is just very sensitive and very shy too. Dp has tried lots of different things to try to stimulate him. We took him to a stately home recently and they had a search quiz for kids. His son was so unconfident yet when encouraged is ever so bright.

OP posts:

Buda · 27/05/2008 12:55

It sounds to me like your DP's DS NEEDS his Dad to just keep on plugging away. Sounds like he needs all the support he can get - esp if the Mum is back with an abusive ex.

That little boy sounds as if he needs lots of people around who love him.

lulumama · 27/05/2008 12:56

if he is sensitive and needs lots of encouragement, and blossoms under lots of praise and help, then the absolute last thing your DP should do is give up trying.

this poor child has been through the mill with his parents splitting, has an bowel condition and is very sensitive anyway., he needs constancy in his life.

i think it would be a very damaging thing for your DP to give up on him just becuase he is hard work.

it is your decision as the adults here to do the right thing and keep going with him.

no good stopping now and then hoping in the future that his DS will suddenly forge a fulfilling and loving relationship with his dad and you

the onus is on your both here to look after and nurture this sensitive child, not abandon him

StarlightMcKenzie · 27/05/2008 12:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

titchy · 27/05/2008 13:04

Well said lulumama. Does your dp see him on his own, one to one? Or are you and your dcs always there too? In what way doesn't his ds 'want to know'? Is your dp looking for something unrealistic like a big smile and hug and boundless enthusiasm every time his ds sees him? How often does he see his ds?

TBH if his ds' mum now has an abusive partner your dss needs his dad more than ever. Is it possible the abusive partner has made your dss retreat into his shell?

titchy · 27/05/2008 13:07

I'm sorry but can you imagine the reaction if a mum said 'Oh I've had enough I'm going to give up my dcs'? Yeah it's hard but it's ten times as hard when you're a sensetive little kid with a barrel load of shit to deal with. Can't belive you're actually going along with your dp giving up on his son.

littlepinkpixie · 27/05/2008 13:11

Give up his son?
Your DP is obliged to put this boy first and that means UNCONDITIONAL love and attention.
The boys needs come first, before his fathers (or yours).

Original poster

Ulysees · 27/05/2008 13:11

Sorry I must sound as if I'm ready to give up which is the last thing I want.
Dp sees him mostly alone but his ds usually wants to play on his computer rather than go to the park or anywhere else?
Dp is going through a lot of stress so I think this is making him even more sensitive. I know his ds gets a lot of his nature from his dad.
Dp is sensitive and with his ex going on saying give him up I think he's just feeling a failure. Also dp is on a lower wage now so can't give her as much money. He doesn't provide for my kids as my ex and I do that so it's nothing to do with him being with us. Ex has said some really strange things. She told me lots of lies which I found out to be untrue. First meeting with her she was telling me allsorts in an attempt to get me to dump dp. I just wondered what her motives were and luckily didn't jump to conclusions.

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Hulababy · 27/05/2008 13:13

I would definitely advice against him giving up his son, no matter ho dificult the relationship might be right now. He would never forgive hmself, and neither would his son forgive him either.

Original poster

Ulysees · 27/05/2008 13:14

titchy think you should re read what I said especially last line. I don't want him to give up. Don't start having a go at me when I only posted for support. Once again some mumsnetters are ready to have a go.
Don't worry I won't post any more I'll carry on talking to my RL mates.

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ib · 27/05/2008 13:28

Ulysees, My parents were divorced when I was tiny. Throughout my young childhood my dad picked us up every sunday. A lot of the time we just sat in front of the TV (my mum didn't allow the TV and there were no playstations!).

You could say that we didn't really have a relationship, but he stuck with that routine - every Sunday with him. As we grew older, we started to be ready to have more of a relationship and he was just there, so we could transition to that fairly naturally.

I think it's hard sometimes for the absent parent, as there is the presumption that because time with them is limited, unless they are doing something very involved they are 'failing'. But in a relationship between parent and child at certain ages it's normal for the child to just do his own thing.

The fact that the parent is in the background matters to the child, even if it does not seem to. Particularly if there is an abusive relationship in the maternal home, that time with dad may be a haven for him.

It may take your ss a long time to be ready to bond with his dad. All your dh can do is make sure he is there when his ds needs him.

In the meantime, just let him play on his ps - hang out nearby reading a book or whatever. Companionably sitting with each doing their thing is fine. They may even want to play some of the games together (but only if both enjoy it).

Sorry that was an essay! hth.

titchy · 27/05/2008 13:30

OK apologies - didn't mean to have a go at you

Do keep posting it might be useful for your dp to have some other strateies to try and re-build his relationship with his son. If his ds is into computer games can they do some gaming together? Lego Star Wars is a great one for kids and if you play with someone else you are both on the same side which might help emotionally?

Original poster

Ulysees · 27/05/2008 13:37

apology accepted tichy I was being a bit over sensitive there I think as It upsets me so much. Also have a lot going on trying to help my mate, her abusive ex and her dd....long awful story

ib that is such a helpful post I'll let dp read it. He won't mind that I've posted as he's so sweet..... one reason I think the ex can get to him so easily. I know his ds gets the sensitive nature from him.

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DragonsEye · 27/05/2008 13:45

yes. what ib said. Although continuing encouragement to do other things too (museum, football at local park etc)

I have a dss and we make sure that dh and him have one to one time together as well as family time with the rest of us. Step parenting is not easy but you have to keep plugging away, the rewards WILL come eventually. Good luck.

Original poster

Ulysees · 27/05/2008 13:51

thanks DE. Felt so sorry for him one day. My dss wanted to go to park (which we now live opposite) and dp's ds didn't want to go went very quiet. Found out later he didn't dare come unless he needed the loo urgently. He gets constipated for ages then suddenly goes

OP posts:

ib · 27/05/2008 13:51

You obviously both really care for him which is the most important thing .

Original poster

Ulysees · 27/05/2008 13:52

Oh and we didn't go to park by the way I made biscuits with him instead which he really enjoyed. He didn't dare weigh ingredients but I said he'd be brill at it and once he started he was fantastic. Made the best biscuits......shhh don't tell my dss

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margoandjerry · 27/05/2008 13:58

Quick post as am rushed atm but the worst thing he can do is to give up thinking it might be best for his son. My dad did this and I never got over it. The fact he left is fine. The fact he thought it would be better to retreat from our lives is not fine.

I think you are doing a great job trying to support your DH in being a father to his DS. It's the most important thing you'll ever do (cos I guess your own kids are being well loved and looked after anyway).

Poor little scrap is 6 - he needs the grown-ups to be the grown-ups so he can be the little boy.

Bon courage.

Original poster

Ulysees · 27/05/2008 14:01

agree margo but so sorry to hear about your dad. Did you ever get back in touch?

My kids are fortunate. Ex and I are good friends and boys are very happy. I hope I can say same for him one day.

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cazcaz · 27/05/2008 15:20

It sounds like you are all trying really hard! You may have already done this so apologies if patronising, but has anyone spoken to his GP and possibly a counsellor. They may be able to give some good advice on how to handle a little boy with so many emotional issues.

On a slightly different note, my younger brother was always a 'difficult' child and he and my dad just didn't get each other at all, and they had a very strained relationship. As adults they have found common ground and are actually very close now.

Original poster

Ulysees · 27/05/2008 15:29

good news. I texted the ex and he's coming over tomorrow night Watch this space!!

OP posts:

wildfish · 27/05/2008 15:43

Cool. Look the other way and there is a flurry. My original comment was that maybe the DP DS (6) is seeing that his DAD has new children (although they are yours), and he feels he is an outsider now. -- after all he is only 6. So your DP needs to show him unconditional love and attention so he knows that DAD is still his DAD. Though I think its been said in the flurry above. Hmmmn not sure if it was said, but has DP tried DS-DAD 1-1 time? mix and match?

Original poster

Ulysees · 27/05/2008 15:55

yes he tries one on one mostly.

OP posts:

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