Think dp might have to give up his ds

[Ulysees]

My dp is great with kids but can't build a relationship with his ds (6) It's so sad to see them together as his son just doesn't want to know. Dp's been split with the mum for years but gets on ok with her. She is very strange though (long story) so maybe her behaviour has influenced little one? She's the one who's suggested dp gives up his son. I just wonder if her being back with her abusive ex is something to do with it though? She may want dp out of the picture.
Ds has a bowel condition which can affect his mood and he is very very sensitive. My Dp gets so upset about the situation. My boys love him and get on great with their daddy so it must be hard to see.
I hope we can just keep on trying with him. Maybe as he grows he'll want to be with dp and us again.

i am sorry if you thought that i was having a go too , ulysses.. unfortuntaly, wording a thread 'think DP might have to give up his DS' is bound to provoke strong reactions....

i am glad you are hanging on in there with him

Ulysees - could your DH and his DS get some family counselling together?

Ulysses, yes we are in touch and he is a much better granddad than he was a dad!

I really hope you can support your DH through this. You sound like a great stepmum (mine was too actually).

I really think sometimes some men need a little support in this. They shouldn't but sometimes they just do. Parenting means always being there and never walking away and I think that is quite possibly the most important thing about it.

I think sometimes men think it's more transactional than that. But it isn't (IMHO). It's about forever and permanence. Even if the day to day relationship is so-so, it's more important to be always present as a parent (and I think non resident parents can do this - not just the resident parent)

Anyway, I'm not expressing myself very well but I know you know what I mean.

And agree with other posters re possibility of prof advice on this.

yes I realised that too late lulumama. I suppose I was feeling sensitive though and not thinking straight?

I have suggested counselling but it's up to him I suppose maybe he will one day? We'll see how it goes tonight.

I agree with the 1-1 idea too - but maybe we should consider that that might make the son feels like he's being excluded from the rest of the family too ? That he's only seeing his dad and isn't part of the bigger unit ?

My partner has 2 children and I have 1 - we have his children every other weekend and for that time we become one family - same rules apply to all children, same treats bestowed upon all children - we wouldn't want any of them to not feel part of the 'unit' ?

Just a thought ........

I agree with OTPIM. If 1-1 is not working, then try 1-many. The key is trying to find out what will make the DS(6) engage, or shows signs of happiness. Whether thats different activity, different involvement, etc etc. Thats the hard part I'd say. Figuring out what.

But IMO the key is not to give up and not to show disapproval on his unhappiness, understanding is better.

Never know what the causes of unhappiness are. Might be something you can't fix - doesn't want to leave "his home", "doesn't like you". But keep at it, as they grow they change too.

I do hope dp doesn't give up. We're just going by what his ds wants for now. I think dp is so afraid of failing and so may feel he should back off. I'll do all I can to encourage him though. He saw ds tonight and it went ok.