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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Xbox Wars

33 replies

nursesam8310 · 20/06/2025 23:37

Help / advice needed!!!
I met my fiance 7 years ago. He has 2 sons from previous relationship. One is now 14 the other is age 8. We have a son aged 4. All boys but all at different stages in their development. The 14 year old has his own Xbox which my fiancée bought him when we were dating and our finances weren’t entwined. The 8 year old has access to my nephews Xbox (he is also 14) which he used to bring round when he was younger to play Xbox with my 14 year old step son. He doesn’t do this any longer because they prefer to play online and my brother got rich and bought my nephew a ridiculously over expensive games room kitted out with so many mod-cons he never wants to leave it! Anyway, the issue is my 4 year old who loves and adores my step sons wants their attention and wants to be like his brothers. My son likes to play Minecraft and wobbly life because that’s what the 8 year old used to play so naturally he wants to be like them. They’d play together on one Xbox. The 14 year old has his own Xbox and plays uninterrupted with my nephew online. The 8 year old is very difficult to please and now seems to only want to play Fortnite! I have now banned Fortnite because of my 4 year old. He wants to be a big boy like his brothers and I don’t feel it’s appropriate give it’s a rating of 12. So this now causes problems. The 8 year old sulks essentially and is now saying he doesn’t want to come over to see us. My other half feels he should have his own Xbox but that means they will essentially ignore my son and shut themselves away from him. I force them off at lunchtime for a minimum of 2 hours so we can actually spend time as a family. We also go out but the 8 year old sulks and complains frequently that he’s bored. It’s incredibly frustrating. The 14 year old gives us very little trouble and is largely compliant and easy going about everything but my 8 year old is proving to be really difficult to manage. My 4 year old adores him and just wants him to play with him constantly. My finance feels the 14 year old gets it his own way cos it’s “his” Xbox and the 8 and 4 year old have to share one.
I allow my son to play with the 8 year old as a treat at the weekends. When they go home he no longer plays. I do not feel it appropriate for a 4 year old to be playing Xbox but at the same time I want him to be playing with his brothers and happy so I’m torn completely. Also, I want my 2 step sons to be happy and do what they want to do and understand they won’t want to play with my 4 year old all weekend. It’s a difficult balancing act and any advice will be valued!
I should add, the 8 year old does not have his own Xbox at home at his mothers but does have a Nintendo switch and they with us for 1 over night stay a week due to distance. There is no younger sibling at home which needs priority (so he gets everything his own way) and he has to travel an hour in the car each week to come over so I have considered this as a factor in why he shows reluctance and moans!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Stripeyanddotty · 20/06/2025 23:43

My head is fried just reading that …

excelledyourself · 21/06/2025 13:39

Sorry, if I’ve missed it, but is the 8yr old getting any time to play Xbox on his own without the 4yr old? He should be.

lunar1 · 21/06/2025 13:47

Each child needs to be allowed age appropriate activities, banning something the 8 year old is allowed to do because of a much younger sibling is only going to lead to resentment.

what are you doing in the time you ‘force’ them to have family time?

Usernumber12356 · 21/06/2025 13:59

I can't follow who has an Xbox and who is allowed to play when.

You can't limit what one kid plays because another is too young. That will just cause resentment and there's enough of that around already in most step-families.

I have now banned Fortnite because of my 4 year old

Come on, you can't do this. If the older kids' parents have decided Fortnite is okay you can't ban it because of your younger child. And if you're not their parent I'm not sure you weighing in and banning things is really a good way to go.

My youngest is 6 years younger than his brothers. He ended up playing computer games way sooner than I would have liked in an ideal world.

You just have to try to balance everything as best you can.

Bootskates · 21/06/2025 14:06

Sounds like a lot of responsibility to put on an 8 year old. 4yo might adore him but 8yos contact time with his dad does not have to revolve around your younger one.

There seems to be a lot of decisions made by you (banning games, taking them off screens etc). I think dad needs to take the reins a bit on this. I'm sure he will have the common sense to still encourage family time but it seems the way you are doing it, it's only working for you and your son, rather than the whole family unit

Bootskates · 21/06/2025 14:09

My 4 year old adores him and just wants him to play with him constantly

This is truly lovely but the 8yo should have a day in what he wants to do/play

This is where I would step in and say to 4yo "haven't you had a lovely morning playing X with Adam. He's going to go and do Y now though and you and I can play in the garden"

HarryVanderspeigle · 21/06/2025 14:28

I agree that an 8 year old shouldn't be on fortnite and there should be some screen free time in tbe day. But you can't dictate that everything he does must be suitable for a much younger child. Yes your son wants to play with older brothers, but why does that want trump what they want? They will grow up resenting you.

Owlteapot · 21/06/2025 14:34

I'm not surprised the 8 year old doesn't want to come when you expect him to entertain a 4 year old the whole time.
Fortnite is the main game my 9 year old plays so banning it when most of his friends probably play isn't going to go down well.
Let his dad decide what games he should and shouldn't be allowed.
If days out and family time also have to revolve around the youngest you'll soon find they stop coming at all

RightOnTheEdge · 21/06/2025 14:38

YABU for banning the 8 Yr old doing something because of your 4yr old. That's really unfair.

If they are only staying only staying one night a week though, they can't be spending much time with their dad if they are all wanting to be gaming.

You say you are forcing them off the Xbox to spend time as a family which is reasonable, but it sounds like you are doing a lot of parenting and decision making. What is their dad doing?

tripleginandtonic · 21/06/2025 14:40

I feel sorry for the 8 year old being forced to play with his younger brother when the 14 year old doesn't have to.

Original poster

nursesam8310 · 21/06/2025 18:23

Yes of course the 8 year old gets a good 3 hours all to himself when my 4 year old goes to bed. My 8 year old stays up later as a treat as it’s Friday so he plays Fortnite because my 4 year old is asleep. During the day, we manage their usage according to fairness so they take turns and play together.

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Original poster

nursesam8310 · 21/06/2025 18:25

It’s not “force” poor choice of words there. They simply come off at lunchtime for a couple of hours to do something else. We either go out or they do other stuff/play games etc. basically all the stuff that exists for kids without a games console!

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Original poster

nursesam8310 · 21/06/2025 18:27

What my child is exposed to is our responsibility. It’s not a flat out ban and I shouldn’t have used this word - it’s a simple don’t play it when Noah is around and I think that’s fair as his parent he shouldn’t be exposed to guns and inappropriate content. They get time to play this in the evenings when my son is asleep which is upwards of 3 hours solid play and they take it in turns during the day.

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Original poster

nursesam8310 · 21/06/2025 18:29

It’s not “time with his dad”. It’s time with us. We are a family and they don’t just come to our house to play games consoles.
the 8 year old shouldn’t even be playing Fortnite so what their mum allows and what we allow are two different things and just because their mum allows it doesn’t mean a 4 year old shouldn’t be allowed to play - she didn’t allow them when they were 4!!! Also, it’s a joint decision. It’s not just me. It’s both of us.

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Original poster

nursesam8310 · 21/06/2025 18:31

When did I say I expect my 8 year old to entertain my 4 year old? That was unkind. This is supportive to be a supportive group and that was a flat out attack of which there was no need. He didn’t want to come because of the long journey and has only ever made that comment recently in the 7 years I’ve been in their lives.

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Original poster

nursesam8310 · 21/06/2025 18:33

And when did I say games and family time revolve around the 4 year old? Again, just incorrect assumption.

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EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 21/06/2025 18:34

Stop forcing the 8 year old to be the entertainer of his much younger brother

PluckyChancer · 21/06/2025 18:37

Fortnite for an 8yr old?? Mine was into Minecraft at that age and thankfully didn’t have any interest in playing Fortnite.

You’re right to ban it. They have age restrictions for good reason. Bloody hell, I’d have banned it too.

My house, My rules.

Definitely enforce some rules over the amount of time that the DC can play on their Tech.

Original poster

nursesam8310 · 21/06/2025 18:39

They all play together. Dad makes parenting decisions. Not sure why it’s been assumed again incorrectly that he isn’t. Also, I’m their step mother. It’s not “your kids” and “my kids” it’s “our kids/our house”. We make decisions jointly. The 8 year old is allowed to play Fortnite. Assuming he isn’t is incorrect. He gets protected time to do that. The 8 year old isn’t expected to entertain our 4 year old. But their time here shouldn’t revolve around games consoles. They just don’t play Fortnite when my 4 year old is sat right next to them and naturally wants to play that too but he’s too young and completely inappropriate. They all love playing together. No resentment and both my step sons love and adore me and our 4 year old. As blended families go we have a fantastic life together. I just wondered what others did when there’s age gaps and differences in need between children.

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Original poster

nursesam8310 · 21/06/2025 18:40

PluckyChancer
your feedback was the most helpful yet. Thank you so much!

OP posts:

Loadsapandas · 21/06/2025 19:42

. No resentment and both my step sons love and adore me and our 4 year old. As blended families go we have a fantastic life together

you also said the 8 YO sulks and doesn’t want to come to yours, so which is it? Because the 8YO doesn’t sound too happy.

how much time to the DSS get to spend with just dad or do you insist on only ‘family’ time?

Loadsapandas · 21/06/2025 19:46

The 14 year old gives us very little trouble and is largely compliant and easy going about everything but my 8 year old is proving to be really difficult to manage.

This bit is problematic too, sounds like the 8YO is a problem because he voices his concerns whereas you see the 14 YO as compliant as he just does what you want.

Original poster

nursesam8310 · 21/06/2025 20:51

They spend time with dad but I am a part of their lives too? Why would we all be separated? Why would you assume they’d want just time with their dad? Division of time with us as parents has nothing to do with this.

OP posts:

Original poster

nursesam8310 · 21/06/2025 20:53

He sulks like any other child and has only once made a comment about not coming to us. My feeling is is because he’s just being 8!!! He knows fortnite is not freely available but is reduced to protected times for them both. It was also the end of a long hot week. He’s tired. He’s hungry. His mother’s house is opposite the school. We live an hour away. 1hr30 with traffic. Can’t blame the lad for not wanting to do that journey!

OP posts:

Original poster

nursesam8310 · 21/06/2025 20:54

He doesn’t just do what I want. He’s just an easy going lad by nature.

OP posts:

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