How to not feel left out?

[Drummend01]

DP has daughter 10, been together 2 years we live separately for now but have plans to move in at the end of the year.

My DP does a great job at keeping me involved, we’ve been on holidays away as a 3, have evening movie nights etc, DSD likes me and asks to see me and wants me to be involved.

But sometimes, like today, I struggle and feel left out. Like they’ve got this bond that I don’t have with them, or with anyone as I don’t yet have children of my own (although planning to in future). It’s DSD sports day today and obviously guest numbers are limited so just mum and dad went, DP has been messaging me to say how she’s doing, what event they are on etc and I don’t know why it’s made me feel so left out. I almost don’t want to know which sounds stupid.

Ive had this feeling a few times before and i know its unreasonable, does anyone have any advice to move past it?

No I did not say anything about her being 3. You are mistaken.

You’re a troll, you were wrong and it’s a shame because you’ve just clouded a thread where I was genuinely asking for advice.

I dont owe you an explanation and will not reply to you again after this, for the sake of anonymity I don’t post exact ages, dates, names and sometimes omit details to keep things private. As I know a lot of people do here as I’ve seen it mentioned before. Anything relevant to the actual question is included. Whether she is 8 or 10 really has no difference to the advice that I am after.

Is this true Op?

As the PP clarified. I meant in that thread no kids together. Whether or not he had a child was completely irrelevant to that thread.

And, as I previously replied to Blink agains message, which they coincidently deleted as they were wrong and don’t want to look stupid. I try to protect privacy online so sometimes I omit/change details, names, dates etc. It’s really not a big deal and not at all relevant to this thread where I am genuinely asking for advice.

As with many responses in the step parenting forum, they are unnecessarily unkind. Many people alter small details to reduce the risk of being outed, especially if they're frequent posters.

To answer the OP: as long as your DP makes time for you, the time you get while they're away doing their own thing can actually be a welcome break and breathing space for you. My advice would be not to over think it, and make sure you do things with your DP one on one while you have the chance.

You don't live together, you've only been in a relationship for 2 years, she's not your step daughter and she has two parents to go to her sports day. You need to step back from worrying over this.

Most definitely a troll and a pedantic person. She was picking apart my post yesterday and going back over my old posts too.

My situation is a little different to yours. I have 3 dc and 1 sc. Even having children of my own it would feel a little different having dh going to sports day with his ex and you not being there. But you have to emergent he’s there for his dd and if you have children together you will get the opportunity to do things together.
For lots of reasons, my dh and I can’t have a baby of our own and not sharing that connection can be hard.

All I will say is that have sc comes with a whole host of emotions, drama and challenges that you do not foresee at the time. If this is upsetting you already take a step back and just check it’s 100% what you’d like. Had I know what I do now I would most likely be in a totally different place to where I am.

Exactly this and I say this as an actual stepparent in a long term marriage rather than the relatively new girlfriend of a man with a child. They are always, and should always, going to have a bond and time together which doesn’t include you. Make your peace with that or leave this relationship.

It is difficult sometimes being the SP. It will get easier, especially when you have a family together. You sound like a lovely Step Mum as she obviously enjoys spending time with you

Actually I think your DP really isn't helping here with his updates as it keeps you thinking about it, it would have been better for him just to report back later. He's being a bit inconsiderate of your feelings , and especially so if he has any idea about them.

You’re not her step parent. Back off and let her have a relationship with her dad that doesn’t include you.

Tbh I think it's weird that he told you all the details about the day out. Really not interesting. If I were you I would just feel lucky not having to have said no, thanks to attend it.

There isn’t a way to “move past it” as such. You just have to make peace with it. It does get easier and I think the relationship stage that you’re at now is a tricky one. You are not exactly her stepmother, you don’t live together so you’re a long-term girlfriend but not quite a partner and there’s always a sense that you don’t quite have the ‘status’ that the ex-wife has (which is true, you don’t -yet).
But this is also an important phase of the relationship. Nothing would be solved by rushing on to the next bit. When you move in together and have children of your own, you start to feel more settled in your place and you can feel more certainty that you’re an equal part in the family. My DSD was 11 when DH and I started dating and I remember the internal struggle to find my feet. We got married when she was 14 and had DD1 when she was 15 and things just gradually settled. Remember that you get to learn some things now about your partner which other women have to guess at. You get to see for yourself whether he’s a good father, a decent co-parent, a respectful ex. For now, your role is to watch, learn and decide whether you definitely want to join a family that already exists. You use this time to make sure that this is right for you.

I think he’s trying to help, but perhaps getting it wrong. He’s keeping the OP updated because he knows that she is interested and would have liked to be there.

If you could have gone, would you have gone?

2 years and rocking up for my boyfriend’s daughter sport day with his ex? No.

Do you know the ex at all?

Thank you for the thoughtful answer, you’re completely right that I get to see elements of DP that most people don’t this early. I hadn’t thought of it like that and I should consider it to be a blessing to help me make sure I’m making the right decision.

I hope you don’t mind me asking but how did DSD take to a sibling? I also think about that sometimes and how it could affect her. I almost feel a bit of guilt that I’m coming along and changing her life, if that makes sense

If DSD had asked me to go and the numbers allowed it, then yes I would have gone. Her mum, mums partner, myself and DP are all on agreement that we are there to support and love her and show a united front.

It’s a very difficult thing to navigate OP and on some levels it gets harder the more involved you become.
We have my SC full time and I have the responsibility and emotional connection that goes with that, I am part of a network of mums organising social activities for the kids etc but then when anything like parents evening happens if mum wants to go I have to respect that and step back and it’s incredibly hard not to feel sad and a little bit used in those situations.

my only advice is that you have to make your peace with it which you either will or decide the relationship is not for you. As a pp has said being a step mum comes with a world of complexities to navigate you’d never anticipate so make sure you always feel able to vent / communicate your feelings (which are valid) to your partner and don’t stop doing that because it’s really important that your needs are not eternally overlooked or come second (even though in some scenarios it’s right that they do).
Find a sympathetic friend not involved that you can offload to as well and always remember this is absolutely nothing to do with the child in the middle who should never have to choose sides.

That's good that you are all on the same page. Often that's the tricky bit.

Something is being twanged here for you. If you think about squeezing an orange, orange juice comes out. Every time. It’s never anything else (eg Apple juice) no matter who squeezes it or how they squeeze it, or how hard they squeeze it (because Apple juice just isn’t in there to squeeze out).

Triggers are like this. This situation is squeezing you and something (an emotion) is coming out. That emotion is already within you. It needs identifying and you need to find a solution within you (therapy is one tool) - because if you do go ahead and merge your life with someone who has aspects of their life that triggers you this way it’s going to cause issue. Then, as soon as you have your own children, the issues going to get way, way bigger and someone (usually your partner’s pre-existing children) is going to bear the brunt of that.

Does if make you feel unsafe, unseen, ignored? The cause of those types of feelings are usually from your childhood and relationships with primary caregivers.