How to not feel left out?

[Drummend01]

DP has daughter 10, been together 2 years we live separately for now but have plans to move in at the end of the year.

My DP does a great job at keeping me involved, we’ve been on holidays away as a 3, have evening movie nights etc, DSD likes me and asks to see me and wants me to be involved.

But sometimes, like today, I struggle and feel left out. Like they’ve got this bond that I don’t have with them, or with anyone as I don’t yet have children of my own (although planning to in future). It’s DSD sports day today and obviously guest numbers are limited so just mum and dad went, DP has been messaging me to say how she’s doing, what event they are on etc and I don’t know why it’s made me feel so left out. I almost don’t want to know which sounds stupid.

Ive had this feeling a few times before and i know its unreasonable, does anyone have any advice to move past it?

She’s lucky to have a SM like you that cares so much

thats understandable as you have obviously bonded with her and your partner together

When you have your own babies it will get easier and they will be lucky to have you as mum

your feelings are valid x

If it’s going to upset you, turn your phone on silent or ask your DP not to send so many messages when thing like this happen. But really, you need to find some acceptance of the situation. It’s ok for you not to be involved in everything that happens with your step daughter.

The position of a step parent is a very difficult one. You rightfully have an obligation to always put the children’s needs and feelings first, you are expected to compromise a lot of your own life and in the end you get no say in decisions that affect the children and no credit or appreciation for the step parenting you do well. You have to be sure that you can find the resilience to deal with all that before committing to living with someone. Being a parent is hard, but I honestly think that being a step parent is harder in many ways and I’ve never been one.

You’ve already been on holiday with this child and you’ve only been with her father two years, so things have already moved fairly quickly. If you have confidence in your relationship with your DP, you just have to accept what comes regarding your step child and go with the flow. She will be an adult soon enough.

how old are you OP? Has your partner confirmed he definitely wants more children with you?

She was delighted to be a big sister. I think 15 years age difference meant that sibling rivalry wasn’t really an issue. By the time my DD was old enough to be a (potentially) irritating toddler, DSD was practically an adult. And a toddler can be a bit wearing at times but they’re not ‘threatening’ because they don’t really change an older teen’s role in the family.
We had a second DD 5 years later so there is 20 years between DSD and DD2. All 3 of them are close - DSD and DD1 in particular. And I love that my daughters have an additional adult in their lives who is younger, cooler and maybe more approachable than me but who loves them as fiercely as I do, and who prioritises their safety over everything else.

I am not a real SM either, with DP almost 4 years have known DC for a little over a year.
It isn’t wrong to feel the way that you do but when invites are limited you have to accept it. Yes, you feel a little left out but in the big picture you are there and I find it really nice that your DP stayed in touch.
Go with the flow is all I can say. DC has 2 parents and if they are there for them that is great.
I have been hurt when mum’s partner was there and I wasn’t but in the end it really isn’t worth worrying about, the time you have with your DP and his DC is more important.