My DSC behaviour is extremely difficult, starting to take NACHO method

[Easterbunny6283]

I’ll hold my hands up I’m finding step parenting really difficult.

my DSC is 14 years old and we used to have a fantastic relationship, I’ve always just resorted to more of an aunty role than trying to be mother as I came into her life when she was older. I used to have a really well paid job so would often do days out when staying with us and DH is at work. However I’m struggling as I’ve been noticing over the last year or so DSC is very attention seeking, strongly dislikes younger cousins due to believing they get more attention, is often awful to my partner unless they get their own way.

We are expecting our first child and this has been going on a long time before it was announced however since announcing the pregnancy they are extremely hot and cold with me. They have said some really nasty things regarding the baby and almost thrives if anyone says anything jokingly that they take as a negative towards the baby or pregnancy. They are really rude, dismissive when I’m talking again unless they are getting drowned in treats or money. My partner admittedly has always been a Disney dad but it’s getting unbearable. It doesn’t end at me, it’s his parents also who get attitude and rudeness, but also my partner does not address her behaviour there and then because of fears she will stop seeing him. He tried to have a conversation with her mother to address her behaviour and was simply met with they are “not like that here”. Which I’m struggling to believe because said child has been excluded from school.

I used to really enjoy our time together but I find now it’s often DSC just gossiping, bitching or speaking horribly about family members which is not me at all so I often don’t say much back. I have noticed she doesn’t have very much empathy towards others. I have done a lot of DSC in past a continue to, I feel like a maid in my own home. As I’m heavily pregnant people have been kindly helping me out around the house and for a 2 day stay I’m left to clean up a bomb site and wrappers food left around the house.

I think this has just ended up a rant but I’m getting to a point now where I feel like I’m clocking out and focusing on staying in positive environments

My MIL has also tried to get them to help around the house more with the bribe of a snacks hamper and the response was “I’m not tidying that, I’ll buy them myself”

What is the nacho method?

.

I nacho. Best thing I have done.

Again as is often the case in these posts, the issue here is your partner and then you before it’s the stepchild

why are you having a baby with a man you are admitting is a Disney dad? who has a teenage child you don’t like, who has a useless father and is already struggling? It’s really hard to have any sympathy for you.

The ONLY good thing about hooking up with a man who has already had DC is that you get to see what he’s like as a parent.

You lived with him, watched him be an ineffectual parent, raise a bitchy, spiteful, untidy, unkind, child who gets excluded from school for her behaviour and you thought “Yep, that’s the baby daddy I want for my child”?????

Really?

She’s a shit DSC because she has a shit parent. And you’ve just lumbered your child with one of the worst things they can have - a shit parent.

Why would you do that? It makes no sense 🤦🏻‍♀️

@yestothat my partner is a wonderful man, who is kind, gentle and patient
right so no behavioural issues at all but DSC has been excluded… interesting thought pattern

Life changing.

@nopineapplepizza here comes the hate daddy crew. I wouldn’t say my partner is a shit parent at all, he’s kind, caring and tries to discipline DSC. He is met with refusals to see him so is finding navigating this quite difficult. Am I going to deny that he’s resorted to Disney parenting for the sake of an easier more pleasant experience on visits… no.

He's not really a wonderful man though is he.

You said yourself:

We are expecting our first child and this has been going on a long time before it was announced

So DSD has clearly been struggling for a long time but dad continues to be a Disney dad and bring a new sibling into the mix. He's not effectively parenting the child he has so why did he think it would be a good idea to do it all again?

Sorry but your DH is very much a poor parent in this situation regardless of your protestations.

I feel sorry for DSD, she's clearly crying out for help.

This

Disney dad is an indulgent parenting type that is neglectful and confuses boundary development for the child (because stimulation, recognition and structure aren’t balanced)

there is actually more chance the long run the child won’t want to see him with this type of parenting as she won’t have good boundaries toward herself and others and have learnt about herself, instead just behave the way you say she is - it sounds like she’s not learning to respect and value others and herself

I can hear you maybe don’t feel safe to reach her either - like with the comments

@PinkFlamingoCafe DP has tried to communicate with mother to try and jointly deal with said issue, which was then disregarded. Due to it “not being an issue” , same child called a teacher a see you next Tuesday.
Completely understand your views the behaviour needs addressing but I’m struggling to understand how one parent is to blame and not both?

“Try” isn’t doing it though…

its good you realise - perhaps together you can do what’s needed - kids just don’t not want to see their dads if it’s a good solid relationship - think how you feel if someone tries to bribe you - immediately unsure and unsafe

@Doggielovecharlotte completely agree on this, and I do not think it’s an effective way of parenting.
however I’ve also seen the other side where my partner has actively disciplined and behaviour corrected and has refused to visit him because of it

So he is thinking about his own needs first, cos that’s what Disney parenting is

Both parents are to blame. Has your partner done any research into how to stop being a Disney Dad and it's effects on kids? What methods has he tried already? What help has he sought to try and fix the cycle? What's he planning on trying next?

You are the one who called him a Disney dad who doesn’t address his child’s behaviour.
Regardless if the child has behavioural issues or not, they’re struggling and you clearly don’t like them and they don’t like you so why have you made their life so much harder by bringing a baby into the mix?

I think he has to hang in there and develop and good solid relationship with boundaries and wait for her to come round, and keep letting her know he’s free every regular time he’s due to see her

by the way you write it doesn’t sound great communication with her mother

I used to really enjoy our time together but I find now it’s often DSC just gossiping, bitching or speaking horribly about family members which is not me at all so I often don’t say much back. I have noticed she doesn’t have very much empathy towards others.

I would try and tell her this in a gentle “just checking you’re okay” way. I think it would help her to see how she was coming across and she might rethink her ways.

Because at this point your situation is squarely on the shoulders of the dad not the mum. He is failing his daughter and making the situation more stressful by bringing a new sibling into the mix. With so many issues he's been irresponsible making the decision to have another child.

He needed to sort out his DD and get her on track before having another child, so that is squarely on his shoulders.

You can't just rely on 'what about' to push the responsibility away. He has played his own part in poorly parenting his DD and you need to recognise that.

The mother has played her own part in this, no doubt but he is just as culpable. Remember one day you may be in her shoes with him continuing to play the Disney dad that you're trying to co-parent with.

OP you should know by now that any husband on here who had children from a previous marriage is automatically a shit dad and you are being misled by him into parenting his children whilst he sits on his arse. You will never persuade a large proportion of Mumsnet that some dads are good dads, and that if they have been divorced, occasionally it might not have been due to them being a wife abuser-in fact it might be the ex wife’s behaviour that was at fault. You can try, but it won’t work. And for that reason you will rarely get balanced step parenting advice on here sadly.

I've just had a quick look at what Nacho means. Not sure it can work if your baby is a target of her anger. You are automatically involved and you want to de-escalate this before the baby arrives.

IME, even challenging teens crumble when faced with absolute honesty. I'd say something like: 'You seem upset about the baby. You seem so on edge these days and so worried about being overlooked - all these remarks about cousins. It seems like the only time you trust we love you is when you are getting us to buy you things. I don't want you to be unhappy and I certainly don't want you to feel you have to sneer at us or call your teacher a C**T in order to get our attention. You deserve our attention. We want to know how you feel about the baby and what sort of attention you need.'

She might strop or sneer or walk off or be rude or demanding within the first breath of that little speech. But I'd give it, spoonfed over time, if necessary. I'd challenge her if she says you have to buy her things to prove your love. I'd just say - no, that's a mistake we've all been making and it clearly doesn't make you feel happy or more secure within the family. That's transactional, not love. Ask her what makes her feel cosy. What makes her feel calm. What sort of time she'd like with her dad. What sort of chats she wants with him. What sort of attention - apart from a lot of money - would help her feel more settled and less emotional and angry.

Discuss that you will be preoccupied with the baby - that doesn't mean she is less loved. You might be tired and hormonal and a bit irritable just as she has been a bit irritable lately too. People are allowed not to be perfect. Doesn't mean their love has died. She might not get as much minute by minute attention as young cousins or your baby, as she is growing older and getting more independent, but that absolutely doesn't mean she should be left to her own devices. Maybe your DH could take her out once a week - to a film or for a pizza or an ice cream, or go running, cycling, swimming or to the gym together if they are sporty. And make sure all the adults in the family stay interested in things that matter to her - her friendships, hobbies, plans for the future.

You are a permanent fixture in her life, so you may as well be modelling calm, loving behaviour towards her. And you can do this with emotional detachment.

Teenage girls can be very challenged by new babies. When I was 15 my friends parents had a surprise late baby. My poor friend was mortified, she half moved in with friends and didn't talk to her mother until after the baby was born. The grossness of her parents having sex was too much for her.
You have this, with added separated parents. You are in for a rough few months. She may come round when the baby is born, or she may resent the baby for living with her Dad full time.

FWIW, dad might be a great dad but he is ineffectual. He is a Disney dad by your own admission. Perhaps and I’d say she does have a shit mum too but her mums shitty parenting affects you to a lesser extent.

if she wants to be a brat and refuse to come because dads put some boundaries in place that’s totally on her. She just needs to be reminded she is always welcome but some things aren’t acceptable in your house and if she cannot respect the boundaries the same arguments will ensue. I’m guessing dad has never actually stood up to her and told her this instead indulged her behaviour so it’s no wonder there is no respect for him.

probably not an option but would be helpful if mum and dad could agree an approach otherwise it’s a bigger challenge as different rules for different houses.

he is the parent, he calls the shots, end of. Sc needs to learn.

if nothing changes, nothing changes.

this is firmly your DH’s problem to fix. Will he do it?

@EG94 I completely agree with your approach, and is something I have echoed to DP.
he’s gradually getting better at it, but there is still a long way to go. I think my partner beats himself up and feels that if she doesn’t want to see him, he’s failed whereas that’s not actually true at all.
i understand his struggle to try and keep the relationship and interaction pleasant but it’s really not doing much for anyone involved.

unfortunately mother is not onboard at all, nothing DSC does is an issue. Even when DP has spoken to her and given facts it’s met with a single emoji not even a word. Completely not getting anywhere with that