My DSC behaviour is extremely difficult, starting to take NACHO method

[Easterbunny6283]

I’ll hold my hands up I’m finding step parenting really difficult.

my DSC is 14 years old and we used to have a fantastic relationship, I’ve always just resorted to more of an aunty role than trying to be mother as I came into her life when she was older. I used to have a really well paid job so would often do days out when staying with us and DH is at work. However I’m struggling as I’ve been noticing over the last year or so DSC is very attention seeking, strongly dislikes younger cousins due to believing they get more attention, is often awful to my partner unless they get their own way.

We are expecting our first child and this has been going on a long time before it was announced however since announcing the pregnancy they are extremely hot and cold with me. They have said some really nasty things regarding the baby and almost thrives if anyone says anything jokingly that they take as a negative towards the baby or pregnancy. They are really rude, dismissive when I’m talking again unless they are getting drowned in treats or money. My partner admittedly has always been a Disney dad but it’s getting unbearable. It doesn’t end at me, it’s his parents also who get attitude and rudeness, but also my partner does not address her behaviour there and then because of fears she will stop seeing him. He tried to have a conversation with her mother to address her behaviour and was simply met with they are “not like that here”. Which I’m struggling to believe because said child has been excluded from school.

I used to really enjoy our time together but I find now it’s often DSC just gossiping, bitching or speaking horribly about family members which is not me at all so I often don’t say much back. I have noticed she doesn’t have very much empathy towards others. I have done a lot of DSC in past a continue to, I feel like a maid in my own home. As I’m heavily pregnant people have been kindly helping me out around the house and for a 2 day stay I’m left to clean up a bomb site and wrappers food left around the house.

I think this has just ended up a rant but I’m getting to a point now where I feel like I’m clocking out and focusing on staying in positive environments

@RedBeech
im unsure if baby is the target of the anger, as I have tried to speak to her, my partner has tried to speak to her on it and even spoken to mother and all outcomes have been that she’s happy and excited
which for months I’ve not been fully convinced about

thank you for your advice, and taking time to read up on nacho parenting it’s greatly appreciated!

will sit down with DP to discuss x

@piscofrisco I’m pretty adamant at this point the step parenting forum is 80% the ex wives man hating club. I find it hard to understand why people browse through a topic they feel so strongly against and probably have 0-no step parenting experience.

@yestothat selective reading is one hell of a skill 👏🏽

Agreed. It would be nice when you genuinely need advice to not have to sift through 50 posts telling you what a mug you are for marrying a man who is clearly an abuser (as he is divorced and has children already 🙄).

why isn't your dh being the maid for and cleaning up after his child?

@HollyBerryz a point I’ve raised with him, I think I’ve probably been too nice and plodded a long with it without a moan. Kind of my own fault but just out of trying to be helpful

I genuinely don’t think this is a step-parenting issue, this is a bad-parenting issue.

If you look at posts from mums who are in a relationship with the same father of ALL their DC you’ll see they get similar questions/advice. I.e. a mum saying “I’m pregnant with my 5th DC and my DH refuses to get up in the night with DCs1-4 and I’m knackered” LOADS of other mums will question “why are you having a 5th child with a man who doesn’t parent?”

The same thing is happening here.

You, OP, stated that your DP resorts to bribery and Disney dad behaviour to get his child to spend time with them. He doesn’t discipline them or ask them to clean up (or do the cleaning up himself).

So nobody here needs to have step-parenting experience, they need to ask “what is your DP doing to actively improve his parenting skills? Is he taking parenting lessons? Is he attending counselling with his existing DC to get to the root of her issues? Is he setting healthy boundaries? Working with the school to prevent further exclusions?” Because those are the types of things that GOOD parents do, especially when their DC is clearly having issues.

We’re saying this to help you and your DSC, because if your DP doesn’t step up with his first child, he’s unlikely to step up with his second either. So unless you want your child to behave as your DSC is behaving now, you need to get your DP on board with a better way of parenting, because doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome is the definition of insanity.

@nopineapplepizza no I genuinely do understand and I’m not going to say it’s not a parenting issue. I’m clearly stating the fact that nobody is the “perfect” father but that doesn’t make him a shit dad. Yes he’s tried various different techniques and unfortunately the current one is doing none of us a favour. But unfortunately it is not just a him problem, all in-laws tip toe around the discipline and confronting poor behaviour. It’s something I’m not used to as my family and parents have always been our house our rules and that applied to EVERYONE including visitors.

I completely agree your response is very helpful but PP saying why have you had a baby with a shit man (which he is not as he has very many great qualities) when I’m about to give birth is not very helpful…

He’s taken on my advice and has been implementing new parenting techniques. He as mentioned has tried to tackle this as a co parenting approach so that both sides could agree how they want to address this as parents mutually. He will put his foot down and say no to things and gets undermined by the other parent often as they go ahead and say yes or give in to whatever request it is. Which is not productive either. I’m not at all saying there isn’t work to do but it’s very hard when one parent is on board and the other is not.
DP has always supported the school and their disciplining of DSC, mother does not support the school and their disciplining

@cherriescherri did you openly tell your partner going forward this is your response? Did you do this gradually and how has it been taken?
I’m struggling to Nacho without fully withdrawing from things. I’m guessing there isn’t an inbetween?

Pineapple above really good advice and shows what a lazy option Disney dad is for parents

it also doesn’t matter what others do in their houses and maybe in laws are taking lead from DH…in your house you can have your rules and boundaries

Okay I’ve been reading up on the definition of a Disney Dad properly and I think I’m massively doing a disservice to my partner he is very involved and wants to be as involved as possible, keeps to routines, does everything that he can to support mother however definitely slacks on the discipline and behaviour correcting area. DP is not given any information on schools etc even when asking, he is often ignored, if he tries to get more involved with parenting his messages are ignored. Apologies this is probably why I’ve not understood some of the PP, completely my error I thought it was only taking the “fun parent, no discipline” role.

I think laws are changing where dads have more rights to not have info shared with them - might be worth him finding out how he can get info, be involved with school on his own agency - I’m sure there must be a thing in law that says he’s entitled and how.

sorry but to be “only being the fun parent no discipline” IS very inadequate parenting - really ineffective for kids to find their own identity and boundaries of behaviour - he has a great partner, in you that you can see it and are so bothered. I hope he can find out what he needs to do and find a way

Your partner can start by informing the school he has parental responsibility and he’d like to be communicated with directly - he has that right - then if mum does anything to disrupt this by trying to bad mouth him to daughter he can go to family court that recognise “emotional manipulation” and can prohibit any behaviours that are around trying to alienate one parent

I know all this will take time but when his daughter is grown it will count that she will see he fought for her and their relationship

Does anyone like the child - or is anyone supporting the child at all?

Maybe you could speak to anyone in your support network who knows what teenagers are like?

@BlueFlowers5 I have tried but even my SIL who herself as a teenager had parents who had separated and has a poor relationship with her father says that her behaviour is unacceptable and needs to be corrected properly.
however SIL is at the stance of me getting more involved and being the parent. I understand her reasons why but I also don’t necessarily think it’s fair to put the responsibility on me.
I also found out today reason DSC was excluded from was due to her bullying others

Hi OP, I don't have a step child but I do have 2 teens and they are bloody horrible at times! Honestly, when (particularly) my daughter turned 12, maybe 13, she turned into this vile creature who just ejected bile. She is now 17, 18 in a month, and was talking to me just the other day and said, "I was really mean to you when I was 14, wasn't I?" I said, yes you were but I knew you would come out of the other side and be my friend again.
Don't get me wrong, we still butt heads but she is soooo much nicer now. She has so much more emotional awareness and maturity that she can look back on stuff now and reflect.
My son, is now 14 and is in all seriousness going through his Kevin & Perry stage!! It was literally like a light bulb, one day he was my sweet and caring boy, the next day all he could do was grunt like a cavemen! Have you seen the Harry Enfield sketch? It is very funny.
Honestly, just don't let the mean comments about the baby get to you. She is probably feeling incredibly jealous that daddy is having another baby and I won't be his little girl anymore, so the hate and vitriol comes from a place of insecurity.
I know it is easy to feel upset by what she says and some of it will be said with such venom that you will literally want to strangle her but, ride it out and try to be extra nice to her. Try and catch her off guard and have a chat when she is least expecting it. Try to explain that this new baby is not 'taking her place', you want her to be a big sister as this little one will absolutely adore her and look up to her. You dont have to 'buy' her affections, the most valuable thing you can give her is your time. Do something together, before the baby arrives, like go for a walk at a National Trust house and have cake in the café, nothing too expensive or fancy, just time for you and her.
Also explain to her that you are not trying to be her mum but you are an adult and ypu do have responsibilities for her when she is staying at your house so you need to work on some rules and boundaries together - don't make it like you are laying these out, do it together and preferably with dad there too so there is buy in from everyone. That's really important.
With regard to her having been excluded from school, I think it is all to do with her not coping with her mum and dad splitting up. Her dad being with a new women and, now having a baby. Think about it from the perspective of a, hormones raging through your body, 14 year old girl! Has she already started her periods? If not, prepare for things to get even worse! If she has, see if you can spot a trend with her cycle when she is particularly mean. Perhaps you could do something small and see if she wants a got water bottle or some ibuprofen etc.
Im sorry for my massive essay but I hope this helps a bit. Good luck, everyone says the baby years are hard (I think through the sleep deprivation mainly) but the teenage years, definitely for me, are harder! Sending you positive vibes xx