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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DP pulling back after being with kids.

36 replies

GirlBottle · 23/05/2025 16:53

I have 2 kids, one is 16 and other is 7. I've been seeing my DP for well over a year, he doesn't have children and we don't live together.
For full context, he's not spent any time with children, ever really and doesn't want his own. However, we have been slowly spending time together with the kids.
On the whole, it's been lovely! He's told me things like he's feeling things he's never felt before and he's really tried interacting and building a relationship with them. The kids have been fab too and really open to him.
The weekend just gone though, my youngest was particularly difficult. They were whingey and tired and while I managed it well by the end of the Sunday we were both exhausted and a bit fed up.
This is all normal and fine - weekends with kids can be like this, and regularly! But he has really pulled back and said he feels like he might need space before doing that again. I.e. spending whole weekends with them.
This is difficult for me because although I understand, they're my kids and I think they're wonderful. Plus I don't want to not see him every other weekend and I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want ANY involvement with the kids.
What do you think? Any advice? Is it a bad thing from him or reasonable and understandable?

OP posts:
PullTheBricksDown · 23/05/2025 17:04

It's kind of understandable. As long as you accepts that this means he'll see less of you during these phases as your kids need to be the priority.

Daleksatemyshed · 23/05/2025 17:43

You say they're your DC and you think they're wonderful Op and that's the core of the problem, they're yours, you have a DMs love for them but your DP barely knows them, a whole weekend when your DC weren't behaving well will look a lot different to him than to you. You can't expect him to love your DC yet, when they're not your own that's a far longer process, if you want this relationship to grow you need to understand his viewpoint and let him see your DC in much shorter periods

Mrsm010918 · 23/05/2025 18:45

I don't think this is going to work. He's not experienced with kids and he doesn't want them. A 7 year old can be hard work and it will only get harder.

You will need to either spend time together separate to the kids for the next 10-15 years or find someone more suitable

BeachRide · 23/05/2025 18:47

You should spend some weekends just you and the children. Emotionally, he's a stranger to them.

whynotmereally · 23/05/2025 18:49

It’s really understandable other people’s kids can be hard work and he’s not use to kids. You do have to consider where this is headed though it doesn’t sound like he would be looking for more commitment/involvement anytime soon

Loopytiles · 23/05/2025 18:50

Given his reaction and what he’s said I’d not be mixing him and your DC again, at all.

DaisyChain505 · 23/05/2025 18:51

They’re yours. Of course you think they’re the best thing since sliced bread. That doesn’t mean the same goes for anyone else.

This man doesn’t have his own children and doesn’t want any so he is making a huge effort in trying to spend time with them etc.

That being said, he doesn’t have to enjoy it all the time or what to do it for a long period/frequently.

You need to decide if you’re happy being in a relationship where you possibly won’t live together until your kids are grown and moved out because this man will never be happy moving into your family set up currently.

He is doing all the right things and communicating with you.

goodnightssleepbenice · 23/05/2025 19:08

Maybe a whole weekend was too much. Maybe in short bursts , my dh is 6 years younger than me I had 3 dc when we got together he had no experience with kids at all and we took it super slow and it all worked out , they were 4, 8 and 12 when we got together .

MoominMai · 23/05/2025 19:27

@GirlBottle in answer to your Q, I think it’s wholly reasonable and understandable. He told you he doesn’t want kids and you’ve only been seeing him just over a year so it’s quite a normal timeframe for partners to meet OHs kids. Despite his preferences he still made the effort to get to know them and then even spend an entire weekend with your children. You need to cut him some slack that tears and tantrums will spook him and he needs to do what’s best for him to continue being able to remain a partner to you. You yourself as an experienced hardworking mom of two were grumpy and tired so imagine how it feels for someone inexperienced and when it’s not even their kids!

I think it’s too soon to know whether you’re compatible or not because obviously it depends on how resilient he is. But if he frequently feels like this and doesn’t want to spend extended time around your kids and if you can’t survive for the next 10 years or so seeing him only alternate weekends then you should just end it now. Otherwise you’ll only resent him not wanting to be around all of your family and he’ll resent you for constantly asking him to.

From my pov though it sounds bliss lol. I don’t even have kids but have my own home and find I have stronger relationships when I’m able to have a 50/50 split of me time and DP time. Appreciate this isn’t for everyone though 🙃.

SilviaSnuffleBum · 23/05/2025 20:37

"This is all normal and fine" to you as their Mother, but it's not to him.
It's good that he's able to assert his boundaries, rather than just try to 'fake it to make it'.
However, this may have implications for you as a couple, with both of you having different priorities.

Apksbdv · 23/05/2025 20:43

As a step parent I had similar feelings on some occasions; it’s very strange to be plunged into kids all weekend when you don’t really know what it’s like to be with children beyond 2 hour social occasions.
Personally I think it’s good that he voiced how he felt and is being honest. I think from now you just have to see how it goes; I know no one likes this said but other peoples children can be annoying and when you don’t have that depth of love you feel it more than the parent.
Give him a chance at least to see if he can get used to what life is like with kids

PrawnAgain · 23/05/2025 21:48

I'm married to my DH and we've been together for 12 years and I don't often spend whole weekends with the SC. I'll meet friends, go to my exercise class etc while they are here. I wouldn't be with my husband if he had an issue with this. I'd find it extremely controlling if he tried to insist I had a spend all my time at home when the kids are here.

I don't want to not see him every other weekend and I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want ANY involvement with the kids.

It's not a binary choice between this and whole weekends together.

Talulahalula · 23/05/2025 21:51

He is being reasonable, they are your DC and he has told you how he feels.
I agree that there is a middle ground between whole weekends and not seeing them.
I also think it is important that your DC do see you without your DP as well at weekends.
So I would not be disheartened, but just keep open channels of communication about what works and what does not work.

sprigatito · 23/05/2025 21:52

I am old-fashioned and think you shouldn’t consider a relationship with someone who doesn’t want your kids as much as he wants you. Getting into a relationship with a parent imo means becoming part of a family. If he doesn’t want that, then he isn’t right for you. I know lots of MNers will insist that he doesn’t need to love your children, that you can just keep the relationship separate etc, but I think that rarely works - and even when the adults are happy and think it’s all fine, the children are miserable.

Howcloseisburnout · 23/05/2025 21:57

I agree with @sprigatito i come as a package with kids. That’s the deal first and foremost.

Original poster
GirlBottle · 24/05/2025 17:53

Thank you for all your replies. Lots of food for thought here.

OP posts:
howshouldibehave · 24/05/2025 18:30

It's not a binary choice between this and whole weekends together.

Absolutely this! Find some middle ground.

loveawineloveacrisp · 26/05/2025 18:36

Why can't you just keep your relationship separate from your kids? Not everyone likes other people's kids and that's absolutely fine.

lollylo · 26/05/2025 18:47

I had 3 mid to late teens and met someone who had no kids. It was long distance and I had my kids 50:50 so for 3.5 years I was just with my partner on my none kid week. As we built up we had the odd short holiday and weekend with the kids. I never forced a relationship. They are all late teens and early 20s now and we have a baby together. I am not sure we would have made it with a small
child being there at all times in the early stages, hard to tell. But if you want to be with him, you may have to accept that he won’t want a lot of contact with the younger one and forcing it will be hard on him and the kids.

liveforsummer · 27/05/2025 07:18

I thought knits perfectly understandable at this stage to not want to spend full weekends with a dc he barely knows. It’s also not great for dc who need some one on one down time with their mum. Assume they go to their dads eow so you can have a weekend free? Then partner can come over for an evening at other times when dc are in or will shortly be going to bed. Doesn’t need to be all weekend every weekend.

Loopytiles · 27/05/2025 08:22

I wouldn’t want my DC to spend any time at all with someone who doesn’t want DC, is ‘trying’ to ‘get to know’ DC for the sake of their relationship and may well, at a time of their choosing, decide that it’s ‘too much’ and walk away.

PrawnAgain · 27/05/2025 10:58

Loopytiles · 27/05/2025 08:22

I wouldn’t want my DC to spend any time at all with someone who doesn’t want DC, is ‘trying’ to ‘get to know’ DC for the sake of their relationship and may well, at a time of their choosing, decide that it’s ‘too much’ and walk away.

Anyone can walk away from any relationship at any time. Are you suggesting that step parents should be obliged to stay in relationships?

Loopytiles · 27/05/2025 11:37

Of course not. This is about a specific person: OP’s boyfriend. His words/actions so far as regards DC don’t give much confidence in his longevity etc. at this point, so I’d not be risking DC being affected by a likely break up.

loveawineloveacrisp · 27/05/2025 12:23

Loopytiles · 27/05/2025 11:37

Of course not. This is about a specific person: OP’s boyfriend. His words/actions so far as regards DC don’t give much confidence in his longevity etc. at this point, so I’d not be risking DC being affected by a likely break up.

You're being ridiculous. She can just see him without the kids there.

Snorlaxo · 27/05/2025 12:36

I think it’s fine for him to think more about the future now that he’s starting to get a realistic taste of what kids can be like.

Remember that as a mum, you’ll be able to tolerate and forgive “bad” behaviour more easily and as you’ve lived with them for years, you can dismiss things as a bad day but it’s very different for strangers (yes, your partner is a stranger ) and harder for them to tolerate the difficult stuff.

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