I don’t want to do another holiday with DSS

[Penelopevoncleef]

Simple as what the title says. Whether I get bull dozed for this or not but I’m at the end of my tether

quick background, me & dh share two toddlers age 3 & 2 and he has DSS age 9 who is with us EOW. We love our holidays abroad and work very hard to save up for them. DSS has always been on every holiday with us and never missed school as we make sure it’s not term time when we book. In all the years I’ve known him, he has never once been abroad with his mum or even anywhere in the UK. So all his holidays abroad and UK have been with us.

so the last couple of years our holidays have been tricky with DSS and to be honest I find him ungrateful. Last year over the Christmas holidays we were very kindly treated to Disneyland Paris off my parents who’d had a pay out. It was what they wanted to spend the money on and they booked and paid for the whole thing, including our spends (we provided the children’s spends for things like toys/ keepsakes).
anyway DSS behaviour was diabolical, the first kick off was when we arrived at our hotel to find my parents had booked us to stay at the Cheyenne and not the marvel hotel. I just want to add he hasn’t shown interest in Spider-Man for 2 years now. They booked the Cheyenne because it was all they could afford given the amount of people they were paying for, not the theming. I felt really sad for my parents for this. Then following that it was 3 days of complaining and moaning about being bored, wanting to go on all the big rides but there were huge queues and didn’t want to wait, constantly demanding food and drinks. Just blatantly ungrateful. So after day 1 I had to say to dh, for all our sake, that we would separate and I would go off and do all the ‘baby stuff’ with the little ones so DSS wasn’t bored. We managed to salvage the trip and my toddlers loved it, but they kept asking where daddy was and dh was upset he missed them meeting Woody and going on the rides with them. In those circumstances I didn’t know what to do for best, I didn’t want the trip to be ruined and I wanted everyone to enjoy it as much as possible. My toddlers can’t go on the big rides and DSS hasn’t got the patience or tolerance for jointing in the smaller rides or meeting characters and watching parades.

anyway this brings me to our Easter holiday - this year we went to Tenerife and honestly I was dreading it. And I wasn’t wrong to feel like that. I basically spent 10 days with my toddlers by myself - one of which still had a nap so I had to co ordinate that too whilst still entertaining the older one in the baby pool. DSS was in a constant sulk, it was too hot, air con was too cold, food wasn’t nice, pool was boring, Wi-Fi wasn’t good enough, wanted to sit in the hotel room a lot, in the end it honestly wasn’t work the sulking or the kick off when trying to be strict with him. dh ended up following him around and I was with our toddler on my own which was bloody hard work. Also he was very unkind to my 3 year old who was ‘getting on his nerves’ and flung all of his toy fish into the pool when he was playing at the side.

im honestly don’t work working really hard and paying half towards these holidays and not enjoying it. I don’t think I’m selfish in feeling like that. My dh has said he now feels the same and starting to resent DSS coming away with us. He feels like he never gets to spend time with his other children. We just feel it’s not right to take our other two children away and leave him at home with his mum who never has and probably never will take him anywhere.

has anyone else ever been in this situation? What did you do?

I’ve a DSS ( now an adult ) and a 10 yr old DS and a 5 year old DD. When DS was a toddler we’d always split up for activities - DSS and DH footie mad, my toddler not due to age … they’d go play footie I’d take him to a soft play.
even now DS and DH on holiday want to go to a footie match at the pub, DD and I spend the afternoon at the pool.
I think, having had a DSS also, that you need to lower your expectations of children that age. As previous poster have said it’s an age gap thing, a not the sole parent thing and it will be overwhelming for your step son.
hes no concept of who has paid for a holiday, he’s just expressed disappointment , which is okay! My DS said.. we’re going to Spain AGAIN, I’m sick of Spain. The alternative I explained to him is no holiday, he’s happy with Spain.

I feel sorry for a 9 year child who is being blamed in emotive ways for ‘ruining’ holidays and for his younger siblings missing out on time with their dad when he is the one who has had a whole new woman and toddlers foisted on him. He hasn’t asked for any of this.

And yes, he will be moody and moany. That’s what 9 year olds are like. They’re a pain. But poor you… having to endure such hardship. You’ve painted a very miserable and convincing narrative for yourself to justify why you (and now seemingly his dad) want to dump him and get on with a perfect life and perfect holidays without him. Crack on then…. Another kid, on the cusp of adulthood, given a message he’s not wanted or loved or even barely tolerated… would you want someone to treat your children like that?

If you got DLP paid for, could you not have paid extra yourself for Premier Access to avoid some of the queuing.

You have 2 and 3 yo, plus 9yo. Surely you knew there will always have to be juggling looking after all their needs. What happens on weekends when he is with you?

Does DM not take him on holiday as can't afford it? How much money does she get from DH? Did he reduce it when toddlers came along?

Separate holidays. One family holiday with toddlers in term time and then DH can take DSS off for either a weekend break or a holiday doing things that only DSS loves. Then it can be presented as 'a boring babies' holiday' to the DSS when he hears that family has been away without him, and his father's entire attention on him when he gets a holiday just for the two of them. He can't feel rejected if he's getting his father's attention entirely on him on their holiday, and if he thinks you'll only do things for the two little ones when you're away without him he might accept that.

Why not get his dad to sit him down and ask him what sort of holiday he would like? That he understands that it’s boring for son to go to places the little ones enjoy, that there is a compromise where he goes off with son to do activities together but it’s a family holiday so there will be times when dad wants to spend time enjoying the toddlers too. That if his son is so bored and plays up then it might be better if the two of them spend some weekends away together doing activities that son would enjoy more instead of having to go on holiday with them all. That just because he has had more children doesn’t mean he has been replaced because his son is irreplaceable and very loved.

I have an age gap between my children which sometimes made it challenging on holidays, but we just split up for some of the time. Why can you not go on the big rides with your DSS while your DH spends time with your toddlers? I honestly think he sounds quite normal and you need to start seeing him as part of the family and not as a hanger-on which you clearly do from reading your post. I feel so sorry for these children who are outsiders in their own families.

Have you considered how hard it is for you to have the ‘perfect’ family in his eyes where everyone gets to spend time with his dad but he only gets EOW.

9 is an age where they are pushing back and learning boundaries. Have you considered going to do some of the fun stuff with him while your husband looks after the toddlers? Gives you a break.

don’t underestimate the power his mum may also have on the situation, you don’t know if she is saying things that make him feel like he isn’t part of your family.

ultimately though, you can’t leave him out just because he misbehaves. It is up to you to try to correct his behaviour and make sure he knows that it isn’t acceptable, not just give up on him and make him miss out.

also, has anyone ever seen a mumsnet thread about whether someone can leave their non-shared child with their ex and take their shared children on holiday with their second husband? It is only ever a step child in these situations that is being left out.

I’d go with an approach that takes the pressure off a one amazing holiday approach. Take the littles on holiday abroad during term time while you can and then do an UK break for dad and DSS that’s more suitable for older kids. Maybe a theme park weekend in Alton Towers or whatever your DSS is into.

I’d acknowledge the difficulties of having younger siblings with him and so you’re trying something different but also his dad does need to set clear expectations - all holidays are about compromise. No one really wants to have breakfast with bloody Mickey Mouse but we do these things for family and sometimes they end up being really fun in unexpected ways.

Also - children are sometimes going to complain about being bored and not be “grateful” for holidays , though they will probably be later in life looking back. Mine could be trolls on holidays, but now they still come with us in their 20s.

Completely agree with this. I feel very sorry for him.

It’s dreadful to think you have option to leave him at home - you need to imagine he is an older child of your own

over indulgence is a way of emotionally neglecting a child even though it’s not understood that way - you are still not meeting their needs for balanced stimulation, recognition and structure but over indulging them for your own needs - they end up feeling missed

I think you have to treat it like what would you do if he was your oldest cho and like others have said splitting up is normal - take turns with DH then your toddlers get time with him too

How so?

It sounds like the normal issues you get with a big age gap. Why don’t you go with him on a few things so your DH can spend some time with the younger ones and you get to do something more grown up?

this will also have the subtle effect of him knowing that he can’t throw a tantrum and get dads full attention.

You have forgotten OP your toddlers see their dad all the time - this poor boy doesn’t - you need to balance that

Let your husband parent him !! I probably take your kids in term time if your SS isn't enjoying your holidays.

This in holiday buckets and spades!

spot on

You both need to parent this child fgs. He's a child. Teach him home not to be a dick.

My bio children have been known to behave exactly like this, usually on about day 3 of the holiday I go mental at them and threaten to take them home and their behaviour improves. Then they spend the next year demanding to be taken back to the place they complained constantly about! And generally they are pretty good kids!

The behaviour is pretty normal but does need addressing by your DH. I also wouldn’t say it was unreasonable of you to do 2 holidays a year, one without your DSS provided they are broadly equal (i.e not Florida for your kids, camping in Bognor for your DSS).

Is OP coming back ?

You should do a term time holiday without him before the toddlers start school and limit the summer holiday to something shorter and cheaper.

the first kick off was when we arrived at our hotel to find my parents had booked us to stay at the Cheyenne and not the marvel hotel. I just want to add he hasn’t shown interest in Spider-Man for 2 years now. They booked the Cheyenne because it was all they could afford given the amount of people they were paying for,

He sounds like a typical pre-pubescent boy @Penelopevoncleef - starting to want to be independent, but still so so young & dependent. I can still remember that feeling, although it didn't hit me till I was 14 - I think boys sometimes are more like ths pre- obvious puberty.

But his ungrateful & sulky behaviour is not on.

His father needs to be quite strict with this sort of behaviour. It is not for a boy of 9 to criticise the hotel that he stays at with his family, because they haven't spent enough money!

Your solution - to go with your other DC without their brother, and give him time with his father - was great. But how effective is your DH as a father in this sort of behaviour?

I also think 9 is a tricky age the start of being a tween the start of actually beginning to become an adult (and it is a very slow process)

but part of that is letting him know where you are staying because as I said before he knew the Marvel Hotel (which by the way you can visit) existed but Cheyenne came as a surprise. Why - let him know where you are going. Talk to him about what he wants to do at the park what rides he wants to do as a 9 year old and what parts he should do as a family (although character meets for a 9 year old can be tricky)

communication is key - about expectations that go both ways - what he needs to recognise is part of a family holiday and what you need to recognise he needs as part of being your family and the relationship with his Dad.

because none of that seems to be happening - you expect him to fall inline with your expectations of a holiday with two young children and he acts out because his needs are being seen or appreciated and the cycle continues

because unless that is clearly stated now the teenage years are not going to work for anyone

Stop the holidays. Wait until your children are older and dss an adult.

Take your 2. Nothing wrong with it. If nothing else he’s at an age where he finds toddler stuff boring, so yeah, no big deal.