I don’t want to do another holiday with DSS

[Penelopevoncleef]

Simple as what the title says. Whether I get bull dozed for this or not but I’m at the end of my tether

quick background, me & dh share two toddlers age 3 & 2 and he has DSS age 9 who is with us EOW. We love our holidays abroad and work very hard to save up for them. DSS has always been on every holiday with us and never missed school as we make sure it’s not term time when we book. In all the years I’ve known him, he has never once been abroad with his mum or even anywhere in the UK. So all his holidays abroad and UK have been with us.

so the last couple of years our holidays have been tricky with DSS and to be honest I find him ungrateful. Last year over the Christmas holidays we were very kindly treated to Disneyland Paris off my parents who’d had a pay out. It was what they wanted to spend the money on and they booked and paid for the whole thing, including our spends (we provided the children’s spends for things like toys/ keepsakes).
anyway DSS behaviour was diabolical, the first kick off was when we arrived at our hotel to find my parents had booked us to stay at the Cheyenne and not the marvel hotel. I just want to add he hasn’t shown interest in Spider-Man for 2 years now. They booked the Cheyenne because it was all they could afford given the amount of people they were paying for, not the theming. I felt really sad for my parents for this. Then following that it was 3 days of complaining and moaning about being bored, wanting to go on all the big rides but there were huge queues and didn’t want to wait, constantly demanding food and drinks. Just blatantly ungrateful. So after day 1 I had to say to dh, for all our sake, that we would separate and I would go off and do all the ‘baby stuff’ with the little ones so DSS wasn’t bored. We managed to salvage the trip and my toddlers loved it, but they kept asking where daddy was and dh was upset he missed them meeting Woody and going on the rides with them. In those circumstances I didn’t know what to do for best, I didn’t want the trip to be ruined and I wanted everyone to enjoy it as much as possible. My toddlers can’t go on the big rides and DSS hasn’t got the patience or tolerance for jointing in the smaller rides or meeting characters and watching parades.

anyway this brings me to our Easter holiday - this year we went to Tenerife and honestly I was dreading it. And I wasn’t wrong to feel like that. I basically spent 10 days with my toddlers by myself - one of which still had a nap so I had to co ordinate that too whilst still entertaining the older one in the baby pool. DSS was in a constant sulk, it was too hot, air con was too cold, food wasn’t nice, pool was boring, Wi-Fi wasn’t good enough, wanted to sit in the hotel room a lot, in the end it honestly wasn’t work the sulking or the kick off when trying to be strict with him. dh ended up following him around and I was with our toddler on my own which was bloody hard work. Also he was very unkind to my 3 year old who was ‘getting on his nerves’ and flung all of his toy fish into the pool when he was playing at the side.

im honestly don’t work working really hard and paying half towards these holidays and not enjoying it. I don’t think I’m selfish in feeling like that. My dh has said he now feels the same and starting to resent DSS coming away with us. He feels like he never gets to spend time with his other children. We just feel it’s not right to take our other two children away and leave him at home with his mum who never has and probably never will take him anywhere.

has anyone else ever been in this situation? What did you do?

This little boy is between a rock and a hard place and one that's familiar to children with much younger siblings everywhere. Being left out hurts. Being pushed into the lowest common denominator because your travelling companions are tiny toddlers who can't do much and need constant supervision absolutely stinks. It's easy for adults to look at you alongside the tiny toddlers and think you're quite grown-up really and should know better, when you really aren't and you don't. When I was nine, (many many moons ago) I had to be physically dragged away from my pile of books and made to do other things. My parents saw a spell of decent weather as an opportunity, so out we went. I often enjoyed it once we were there, but if I didn't, my misery-guts attitude spoiled it for everyone. I regret it now, but at the time I was just a child.

The OP's situation is complicated by the fact that not only are the children very different ages, one of them isn't hers and they may not have much to say to each other. Perhaps a conversation is in order; he might like comic books, for example and OP might enjoy reading. In that case, DH could take the littlies for a couple of hours, while DSS and his step-mum go to a bookshop (ideally one with a cafe) for book-related fun and cake. One-to-one time is IME, something that can help and rarely hurts as long as you handle it with sensitivity.

Go on holiday with your dh and kids during term time. Then have a short break somewhere with your DSS and hubby and kids and do more stuff focused on him outside term time.

Don't stop having holidays with your own kids. DH could always take the lad camping or something suitable together for a bank holiday or whatever. Find creative ways around it. Talk to your dh and come up with a plan.

Many, many families now are blended families, it just is how it is so make it work. And don't feel bad for doing different things.

Isn't this just the same as parenting if he was your own 9 year old. It comes with having an age gap. Older one doesn't have time or patience to do the baby stuff.

It sounds like you didn’t plan nor communicate the holiday very well. You don’t really need to with toddlers, but you do with 9 year olds. It also sounds like the 9 year old does not feel as loved, secure or happy as he should, most likely because of the blended set up. He would likely benefit from spending more time with his dad and you showing a bit more understanding & learning how to treat a child of that age (which I know is hard when you’ve only experienced toddlers but this was what you entered into, the child had no choice). Poor kid. I do think this does not shine a good light on his dad’s parenting which would have me worried for all the kids.

My dh has said he now feels the same and starting to resent DSS coming away with us. He feels like he never gets to spend time with his other children

Did you read that back before you posted it OP? Your husband is complaining about having to spend a tiny bit more time with his son than the every other weekend he usually spends. He has 365 days with his other children.

he has never once been abroad with his mum or even anywhere in the UK. So all his holidays abroad and UK have been with us.

And why is that? What financial support does she get.

So all his holidays abroad and UK have been with his father - fixed that for you.

I think separate holidays might be the way forward! If you usually go abroad for 2 weeks during school hols then it would probably be the same price to have a holiday abroad during term time with just your DH & younger children ( and then DH takes DSS somewhere for a shorter time during the school hols.

Figure out what you would do if he was your DC and do that
If you want him to have a good relationship with your DC going forward don’t leave him out

What does your DH say / do when your DSS is being rude?
So many children are allowed to speak / behave however they want and it’s awful for them. They need boundaries to feel safe and secure. Does your DSS have boundaries and treated as part of the family unit or is he treated like a visitor / guest when he comes to stay. He might not feel he’s part of the family unit / or not sure of his place in it. It can be really tricky.

I’d do separate holidays but in a nice way - DSS and Dad time (1:1) and you, DH and the little ones. And then do a whole family one where there’s things for all ages / you can split and do different things for part of the holiday.

DSS and Dad can go off on their own holiday together and do ‘grown up things’ and that’s really special.

I am always so shocked at how little care or thought is given to the poor step children in these circumstances. Mum or Dad have their new nuclear family and the older kids can work around them or stay at home. Or we can hide holidays from them or just take them away for weekends. What message do people think that sends?

It's really tricky isn't it because part of it is just his age and the age gap. My kids are both ours (not step) but nearly 10 year age gap and we had a couple of fucking awful holidays where my eldest behaved like that and we did mutter to each other that we looked forward to not taking him once he was old enough to stay home. (We then had 2 covid years with no holiday and when we finally went abroad again he was an absolute delight as he had got through that awful hormonal stage and also his sister was old enough to do more adventurous holidays so we weren't limited to AI with kids club. So that might give you some hope ...)

Of course your situation is different as DSS isn't your son and yet you are paying for half holidays and having to go on more expensive ones because he is limited to term time. So i see where you are coming from. Yet it's a shame his mum never takes him as you can't say "we can take him every other year so he will have the same number of holidays as his siblings".

Is there any option for your husband to take him on a short boys holiday, maybe a long weekend city break? And then you can have a week's family holiday in term time without him as your kids aren't at school yet and it's cheaper then? Maybe if you did that for 2-3 years he might then turn a corner like my son did and become a joy to holiday with again.

Go on a term time holiday with the younger two. With the money you save, DH goes away on own with the eldest during the school holidays. Then do a trip away all together to Centre Parcs or similar so there’s stuff for everyone to do.

Why can’t his mum make her own money to take her son on holiday?? Why is it all dad’s responsibility to finance it?!?

@MellowPinkDeer dad only does EOW, he's not doing as much parenting as mum

What is your husband doing about this? Other than passively trailing around after his oldest child and moaning he'd rather be with his younger two? Your step son is very young to be expected to be 'grateful'. He is not yet of an age where he's going to think - hang on, my step mothers parents have paid for my trip, so I'm going to go on the baby rides because I'm not entitled to complain. So I do think you need to lower your expectations of what he should feel, and get your H to focus on addressing his behaviour. He (your H) needs to plan ahead, anticipate the triggers - unfamiliar food, activities that may bore an 8 year old etc and think in advance as to how to minimise them and compromise. I mean, it was pretty thoughtless to think an 8 year old at Disney wasn't going to want to go on age appropriate rides, so your H should have had a game plan in advance so all his children could enjoy the trip.

The op hasn’t provided any information so no one knows that. What we do know is that he only parents him 10% of the time, so maybe it takes all of his mums money to do the 90% of the parenting.

It's all very well people saying you're one big family but honestly, you're not. It's not the same having a child 2 days out of 14, and it must be strange for your younger ones too. It must be really odd for the boy to be away with you when he doesn't normally spend that amount of time with the family. I'm not surprise he's conflicted and confused.

We don't live in this ideal world that people like to paint a picture of. If you can't find a holiday that genuinely suits everyone, do things separately with them. You really don't have to force this "one big happy family" ideal that people have on here.

It's irrelevant that he's not been on holiday with his mum, though, no need to shame her in this.

Right, and she can’t work and look after a 9 year old? Honestly.

I'm not sure what you mean by 'he ruined our holidays'. I have children with a similar age gap. The small one has to spend most time in a baby pool and the big one understandably wants to swim in a big pool. So usually one of us has to stay with one kid and the other parent with the other. It's normal. It's also normal for kids to whine and moan on holiday or anywhere else. It's wrong of you to push your DH away from his older son. You have to bite your teeth and deal with it - you married a man with a past. Patchwork families are what they are. They are hard work and it's hard to make everybody happy. I would't like to be in one, but you chose to be in one, so make it work.

I imagine that many of the comments make for uncomfortable reading, so probably not.

I haven't read the replies OP although my first thought was this can be typical behaviour of many children in the 9/10 age bracket. There are changes going on which can affect their general behaviour.

My simple answer is if this boy was your own child and not your step child would you feel the same, for example suggesting to your DH you leave him behind with grandparents. Your DH has 3 children each one of them deserving of the same love and attention through good times and bad. I would be doing my best to communicate with him & try to understand why he reacts the way he does rather than going against his presence within family holidays

I must have missed where the op said the mother didn’t work.

It's pure selfishness and 'self-care' and 'me' and 'mine', that's what it is.

Poor little boy...you sound Horrible...his Daddy is a crap parent.....I predict the boy will grow up HATEING every moment he has to spend with you both....yep I had that happen to my son and daughter...
Thier late father used to moan about them not wanting to spend time with him and second wife.... stopped seeing them as teenagers..it was because they felt that they were a inconvenient problem....now both adults...who visit their younger half siblings...have lovely relationship....but NEVER talk to the stepmother.....heed my warning.....love that boy as if you gave birth to him x

What was it like when you took him away before your own children were born?

Did you and DH take him away together? Or did he just go with his Dad?

He’s watching his Dad play full time happy families with siblings who have his Dad 365 days a year.

And his activities are now geared to their needs.

Understand this rather than blame him for it, and let his Dad take him away for a 9 year-old orientated trip.

Maybe she doesn't want to go on holidays. Perhaps she prioritises other things. However, it's irrelevant. The child has two parents, one of whom clearly does provide holidays for his children, and he has three of them. He can't treat one differently.