I don’t want to do another holiday with DSS

[Penelopevoncleef]

Simple as what the title says. Whether I get bull dozed for this or not but I’m at the end of my tether

quick background, me & dh share two toddlers age 3 & 2 and he has DSS age 9 who is with us EOW. We love our holidays abroad and work very hard to save up for them. DSS has always been on every holiday with us and never missed school as we make sure it’s not term time when we book. In all the years I’ve known him, he has never once been abroad with his mum or even anywhere in the UK. So all his holidays abroad and UK have been with us.

so the last couple of years our holidays have been tricky with DSS and to be honest I find him ungrateful. Last year over the Christmas holidays we were very kindly treated to Disneyland Paris off my parents who’d had a pay out. It was what they wanted to spend the money on and they booked and paid for the whole thing, including our spends (we provided the children’s spends for things like toys/ keepsakes).
anyway DSS behaviour was diabolical, the first kick off was when we arrived at our hotel to find my parents had booked us to stay at the Cheyenne and not the marvel hotel. I just want to add he hasn’t shown interest in Spider-Man for 2 years now. They booked the Cheyenne because it was all they could afford given the amount of people they were paying for, not the theming. I felt really sad for my parents for this. Then following that it was 3 days of complaining and moaning about being bored, wanting to go on all the big rides but there were huge queues and didn’t want to wait, constantly demanding food and drinks. Just blatantly ungrateful. So after day 1 I had to say to dh, for all our sake, that we would separate and I would go off and do all the ‘baby stuff’ with the little ones so DSS wasn’t bored. We managed to salvage the trip and my toddlers loved it, but they kept asking where daddy was and dh was upset he missed them meeting Woody and going on the rides with them. In those circumstances I didn’t know what to do for best, I didn’t want the trip to be ruined and I wanted everyone to enjoy it as much as possible. My toddlers can’t go on the big rides and DSS hasn’t got the patience or tolerance for jointing in the smaller rides or meeting characters and watching parades.

anyway this brings me to our Easter holiday - this year we went to Tenerife and honestly I was dreading it. And I wasn’t wrong to feel like that. I basically spent 10 days with my toddlers by myself - one of which still had a nap so I had to co ordinate that too whilst still entertaining the older one in the baby pool. DSS was in a constant sulk, it was too hot, air con was too cold, food wasn’t nice, pool was boring, Wi-Fi wasn’t good enough, wanted to sit in the hotel room a lot, in the end it honestly wasn’t work the sulking or the kick off when trying to be strict with him. dh ended up following him around and I was with our toddler on my own which was bloody hard work. Also he was very unkind to my 3 year old who was ‘getting on his nerves’ and flung all of his toy fish into the pool when he was playing at the side.

im honestly don’t work working really hard and paying half towards these holidays and not enjoying it. I don’t think I’m selfish in feeling like that. My dh has said he now feels the same and starting to resent DSS coming away with us. He feels like he never gets to spend time with his other children. We just feel it’s not right to take our other two children away and leave him at home with his mum who never has and probably never will take him anywhere.

has anyone else ever been in this situation? What did you do?

I don't mean this rudely at all (and I think you're doing an amazing job with two little kids!) but I think you're expecting a lot from him.

He's nine, he's not going to realise how difficult he's really being or how complicated his behaviour makes things for you.

He probably has high expectations for these trips and wants to have the best time with his dad, but spending multiple days with a family he only sees EOW (where two little kids are centre stage) is probably quite challenging for him emotionally, combined with factors like heat / strangeness of a new place / normal daily frustrations, etc.

It's not unreasonable for him as a nine year old to expect these holidays to cater to him and his enjoyment as much as the little ones.
The upset around the Disneyland hotel might have been because he felt like he was tagging along on an experience for the younger children.

It's possible that during the Easter trip he sensed that you didn't enjoy him being there and this made him feel upset and frustrated. I know you have a lot on your plate with the toddlers, but some emotional reassurance from you and his dad might help? Just engaging with him and demonstrating that you enjoy his company (even if you don't always)?

Go away in term time when it’s quieter and cheaper. Job done.

I have to agree.
You’re not not taking him because you want to exclude him or prioritise your own children. You’re not taking him because he can’t behave himself!

WTF is wrong with you?
Don't marry someone with a child if then you want to edge the child out of his own family. Disgusting behaviour.

OP doesn’t mention any step siblings though?

some of this is normal op!!

so your DH missed stuff being with his 9 year old - do you think this doesn't happen in other families? He hated having to queue - sounds normal for a 9 year old.

tDo you trhink if he was your child not step child you would decide to leave him out of future holidays because of poor behaviour?

dad didn't see them meet woody? I mean - op, i have barely seen any of my sons football games that he plays in because I have to look after his younger sister - that's just normal parenting splits.

This child is not ruining your holidays. The lack of planning by the adults around the needs of everyone is as much to blame.

At Disney it’s obvious that you were all going to need to split up. I don’t understand why this caused upset for the adults. Surely you would have expected that.

It’s important for DSS and DH future relationship to have quality time together. I’d plan future holidays carefully do you do cater for everyone. DSS would be much better behaved if he had kids of similar ages to play with some of the time. Can you go to a campground or resort where he would have that opportunity? He also needs to be able to do age appropriate activities with his dad.

I would go for mini breaks without him but I would take him on the big family holiday. And your DH needs to figure out a way to see him more during the rest of the year. EOW is woeful.

I imagine he has issues already because his dad lives full time with other children while he only sees him for 'visits'. If you never bring him on holidays and he sees his dad create a new 'family' life - you will see him dealing with those issues for life.

Op. children can be annoying. 9 year olds aren't as sweet and enthusiastic as 3 year olds - especially if they may have 'daddy' issues and resentment of being part of a new family.

Maybe you and DH ought to take the 2 little ones abroad during term time (with the reasoning to your DSS that it's much cheaper at that time and you're making the most of it before they start school). Then DH could do a special boys trip with him and his son separately, even if that's somewhere within the UK.

@ThatsCute half siblings not steps. But as he normally only sees them EOW he probably doesn't see them as his own siblings. he just sees them as children that get much more of his dad's time

Dad doing a separate holidays with the younger ones is only going to feed into the fact that dad spends much more quality time with the younger ones, without DSS being around

Preparation is key before you do another holiday with DSS, so that you, DH and DSS all set some ground rules. I think a family holiday in term time, without DSS, is a good idea. Hopefully that would leave enough money for DH to take him away, just the two of them. Or holiday with other family or friends so you can share childcare and have other adult company a bit.

The age gap is tricky but if the 9 year old was your child then you and DH would swap kids some days. Not really an option as DSS doesn't see his dad that much, unless there is a particular interest or activity that you and he share?

Eh? The OPs 2 &3 yo are the step siblings of the 9yo.

Exactly and the OP and her husband have a 3 year so her husband has missed out considerably on seeing his first son, since he was 5 or 6 given he only sees him every other week.

Her children will have seen their father every day. It's quite astonishing really that the OP and her husband can't see this from her stepson's perspective. Yet another case of selfish adults playing happy families with the new family.

I think they’re actually half siblings?

Completely agree. Poor boy, barely sees his father, no wonder he is playing up. And then on holiday he has to fit in with the activities of two toddlers he barely knows and who live full time with his/their Dad, and who want ‘Daddy time’ (understandably).
I also don’t know any 9 year olds who would be particularly grateful for being taken on holiday, either. Children at that age are fairly self absorbed, and it’s the duty of parents to provide such things as at matter of course (finances and situation allowing). Appreciation of these things (usually) comes later when they look back and reflect on their childhood.

Yes a 9 year old is really going to understand that it’s cheaper to go on holiday without him and be totally okay with that.

True - I stand corrected.
Either way the point was the 9yo quite likely doesn’t see them as close family, or even family at all, if he’s only seeing the Dad eow he presumably spends very little time with them.

It's inevitable that, when you had more children, the age gap between your DH's children would provide challenges. So you really should have considered this.

Now it comes down to how you and DH discipline DSS. What consequences are there for when he moans or throws things?

I think rather than see him less, you need to spend more time with your DSS. Once EOW is not enough for a boy to see his dad. He probably feels massively pushed out.

Offer to take him but warn him it's his last chance and if he's a whiney brat it will be his last.

DSS sees his dad only EOW and then it's with you and two younger children who will naturally need more attention and care, but who he knows have his DF all of the time.
On holiday he has a full week ahead of him of either feeling like he has his DF's attention, or the usual feelings of being an extra in a family.
He's playing up to make sure he gets DF to himself, and constantly pushing boundaries to check he's going to be there. This works, as your DH then spends all the holiday with him 1:1.

Your DH needs to work on making him feel wanted as a son. Can he take him out for 1:1 bowling and pizza, cinema with one of his friends etc in the week he isn't coming to you for the weekend?
For holidays you need to involve DSS as the older child, in the planning. He should have been looking at the hotel etc. in advance - I'm sure that's what you will do with your DC when they get to that age. Arrange things he will do with his dad, trips out etc. Then agree that at other times he needs to also look after the younger DC needs with you.
If he feels secure and he knows he will have his DF attention at other times, hopefully he will be able to do this.
It's standing out to me that your DH is talking about wanting holiday time with his younger DC but not suggesting taking his DS away just the two of them.
The perfect blended family is really unlikely. You need to look for other creative flexible solutions.

Please try to make this little boy feel his dad wants him around and loves him as much as he does his younger DC

He's 9. He's bored hanging around with toddlers. What would you do if he was your son and the toddlers were your step children?
I would go somewhere much cheaper and invite his best friend so that he can have fun.

My kids have been whiny brats on holidays - I don't leave them behind next time! we work through it as a family

I've had holidays that are hard work - but Op you seem to want it to be a lovely peacefufl time where your little ones are centred and get their dads time without the 9 year old being annoying at all.

Even if he was a monstrous 'brat' (unpleasant term) - my kids have had these phases and they come and go. It's learning expeirences as a parent.

I think many 9 year olds would struggle on a family holiday where siblings are so much younger - and I would expect dad to be on full time duty with the older one ensuring he has a great time - not whining he didn't see his babies (favourite kids??) meet woody.