I don’t want to do another holiday with DSS

[Penelopevoncleef]

Simple as what the title says. Whether I get bull dozed for this or not but I’m at the end of my tether

quick background, me & dh share two toddlers age 3 & 2 and he has DSS age 9 who is with us EOW. We love our holidays abroad and work very hard to save up for them. DSS has always been on every holiday with us and never missed school as we make sure it’s not term time when we book. In all the years I’ve known him, he has never once been abroad with his mum or even anywhere in the UK. So all his holidays abroad and UK have been with us.

so the last couple of years our holidays have been tricky with DSS and to be honest I find him ungrateful. Last year over the Christmas holidays we were very kindly treated to Disneyland Paris off my parents who’d had a pay out. It was what they wanted to spend the money on and they booked and paid for the whole thing, including our spends (we provided the children’s spends for things like toys/ keepsakes).
anyway DSS behaviour was diabolical, the first kick off was when we arrived at our hotel to find my parents had booked us to stay at the Cheyenne and not the marvel hotel. I just want to add he hasn’t shown interest in Spider-Man for 2 years now. They booked the Cheyenne because it was all they could afford given the amount of people they were paying for, not the theming. I felt really sad for my parents for this. Then following that it was 3 days of complaining and moaning about being bored, wanting to go on all the big rides but there were huge queues and didn’t want to wait, constantly demanding food and drinks. Just blatantly ungrateful. So after day 1 I had to say to dh, for all our sake, that we would separate and I would go off and do all the ‘baby stuff’ with the little ones so DSS wasn’t bored. We managed to salvage the trip and my toddlers loved it, but they kept asking where daddy was and dh was upset he missed them meeting Woody and going on the rides with them. In those circumstances I didn’t know what to do for best, I didn’t want the trip to be ruined and I wanted everyone to enjoy it as much as possible. My toddlers can’t go on the big rides and DSS hasn’t got the patience or tolerance for jointing in the smaller rides or meeting characters and watching parades.

anyway this brings me to our Easter holiday - this year we went to Tenerife and honestly I was dreading it. And I wasn’t wrong to feel like that. I basically spent 10 days with my toddlers by myself - one of which still had a nap so I had to co ordinate that too whilst still entertaining the older one in the baby pool. DSS was in a constant sulk, it was too hot, air con was too cold, food wasn’t nice, pool was boring, Wi-Fi wasn’t good enough, wanted to sit in the hotel room a lot, in the end it honestly wasn’t work the sulking or the kick off when trying to be strict with him. dh ended up following him around and I was with our toddler on my own which was bloody hard work. Also he was very unkind to my 3 year old who was ‘getting on his nerves’ and flung all of his toy fish into the pool when he was playing at the side.

im honestly don’t work working really hard and paying half towards these holidays and not enjoying it. I don’t think I’m selfish in feeling like that. My dh has said he now feels the same and starting to resent DSS coming away with us. He feels like he never gets to spend time with his other children. We just feel it’s not right to take our other two children away and leave him at home with his mum who never has and probably never will take him anywhere.

has anyone else ever been in this situation? What did you do?

You’re insane. Not everyone has the ability (or spite) to just dump their kids.

Oh, please.

He is a brat. He is manipulating situations.

Spending time without your child is spiteful now?

I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all to have one family holiday without your step son. Not all holidays but, you and your children deserve some one on one time with Dad too. Could Dad take ss away for a few days on his own ?

Children of that age are manipulative and selfish. That’s just the nature of children. It needs to be got to the bottom of and just saying ‘you aren’t coming’ doesn’t resolve anything. It could make things worse.

We had a 9 year old and a 3 year old last year now 10 and 4. It is a tricky age gap for entertainment. We do often spit up to take them each to things they'll enjoy but we also expect the older one to do younger things for the sake of the younger one and remind her that she had chance to do those things when she was younger without a grumpy older child in tow - a half sibling relationship is trickier though so I probably would say that in your situation. She usually enjoys the baby rides though and we do come down hard on her for any ungratefulness - again this is much trickier with a step-parent set up. Our younger one does do a bit of watching her sister do things she isn't able to do but we don't expect her to do that much as she doesn't have the same understanding. You have to see it from his point of view to try to understand his behaviour; it's not his fault his parents split up and he is probably imagining a holiday where he is the only child with just Dad or both his parents. Could you mix it up and leave DH with the toddlers and do they big-kid activities with DSS some days?

This is where you are completely failing to join the dots @mummytoonetryingfortwoand why you’re the lone voice on this thread.

IF he was her child, living with his mum and dad all the time, then he wouldn’t be behaving this way.

He is behaving this way because he barely sees his father and has worked out that kicking off is his ONLY way of getting to spend time with his father.

the solution is - a decent amount of parenting time, not visitor levels; a term time holiday for the 2 little ones age appropriate PLUS (and the plus is key, just a holiday for shiny new family would be evil) an age appropriate father and son alone holiday.

Tell him to buck up and stop moaning or no more holidays.

Posters referring to a child who has essentially been discarded by his father as 'brat' and needing 'stamped out' are horrific.
Four days a month is not a parent.

Why does his dad only have him EOW? It’s no wonder this boy struggles to be patient and act as part of a family with your children when he doesn’t spend much time with you all. He also doesn’t get much time with his dad so of course he’ll want to be with his dad on holiday. He sounds quite unhappy so your husband really needs to address this. If he can see him more often, then it may be easier for your SS to feel more part of the family and accept that he sometimes has to be more patient and accept your children have needs and wants too.

Another part of the issue is the big age gap. It’s common ime to sometimes do things separately on holiday (and at home) when there is a big age gap and therefore different interests.

Although I wouldn’t love your SS behaviour, I think these are the likely reasons for it so try to see it from his point of view as he is only young and it must be hard for him.

Isn’t their entire life one-on-one with their Dad?

The child he dumped gets nothing other than a mini break and a resentful step family whilst his siblings get expensive holidays and live with their mum and dad full time.

Beyond nasty. ‘Share’?!? When they already get their dad 12 extra days in every single 14?!?jfc.

Whatever happened to ‘I’m the parent, you are the child and you will do as you are told’?
No wonder there are so many out of control teenagers these days.
I will get slated for this but, honestly, this situation is unbelievably ridiculous!

He’s learnt that his behaviour gives him time alone with his dad , and sounds like this has worked for him ,
going forwards I would plan your holidays term time without him just take the two little ones then in his we at yours he can go camping locally with his father , you can choose to join them through the day or not , whatever suits you best

The childs parent is his mother. The man who chooses to have him as an occasional visitor can barely be described as a parent.
He should be parenting 50/50 and creating huge amounts of one to one time with his son.

This is just how it is with kids with an age gap. Don't be so selfish. Kids can be hard work and ungrateful. It doesn't mean you don't take them and excluded them.
Your dh doesn't see him half as much as he sees the children you share.

From DSS perspective, he only sees his dad 4 days a month (which is terrible tbh), is probably excited to spend a longer period of time with him, but his new kids who live with him full time are in the way, taking up his attention and being very annoying, he’s having to do ‘baby stuff’ and he can likely also feel your resentment.

Of course he’s going to act up.

Being upset about not getting the hotel he thought he would be staying in, and may have also been excited about, is pretty normal for a 9 year old. It not being explained to him that he wouldn’t before the holiday is not tbh. Of course a 9 year old boy is more interested in Marvel than the Wild West. Were you in the Toy Story themed rooms?

Also a child does not need to be feel gratitude that someone paid for a holiday for them, instead of their own parent. Your DSS had no control over who paid for it or that his Dad accepted a free holiday from his wife’s parents. it was nothing to do with him. Thank yous at appropriate points when he was given something, yes, but gratitude? That was for you and your DH to feel not him.

How long were you with his Dad before you had your own DC? Do you think you feel differently about DSS since then? I bet he has picked up that you do.

I would suggest you take your younger DC on holiday during term time in future and use the money saved (it can be a good few thousand £) for your DH to have a holiday with his DS on his own in school holidays, where he can get the attention and time with his Dad he deserves. It’ll only be a few years before he doesn’t want to go on holiday probably, especially when he picks up as a teen that he is getting in the way of his Dad’s new family.

Although IME, having put 4 DC through school, taking DC out of school for holidays, up to about Yr9, is totally acceptable and the only way tbh as you not only benefit from a massive cost reduction but also the places are not rammed and there aren’t massive queues which really impacts on enjoyment! I’d advise any parent to just go and pay the fine, which is a drop in the ocean compared to the price reduction.

Just make sure there’s no SATS in primary or any important projects, events. and no end of year assessments in secondary, for the period you are planning to go. Last minute bookings, so you know there is nothing going to be missed, is an also a good shout and you can make even more savings.

Fuck the government dictating when I take my DC on holiday and how much extra I should have to pay for it.

This is a good take - lay out the expectations. It's clear that most 9 year olds won't want to be going exclusively round the kiddie rides and shows.

We are there for a week. We all want to do different things, but we all want time together as a family as well. What are the things that you really want to do?

The first morning we'll all get breakfast together and then go to....

Day 2 we will go to the waterpark: in the morning we'll all stick together, and in the afternoon your dad will go off with you to do the big slides. We are going to the waterpark again on day 5, and then we'll do the opposite so you spend the morning with your dad, and then we'll all meet up in the afternoon.

Day 3 we will go to (thing you want to do). If the little ones get bored, I'll take them back to the hotel and we'll be at the pool, you are welcome to join when you get back.

Day 4 Dad will take all of you to the (hotel activity), and I'll join you later, and we'll do a boat trip in the afternoon.

Try and identify one really cool /fun thing that he wants to do, and make sure that happens.

if he wants to go and play Switch in his room, then one of you can go back with him with a time limit of 2 hours.

etc..

I hate to be this persons child or step child. She is brutal

Yes it is spiteful when you spend all the time with your new family. Very spiteful indeed

Not taking him isn’t a solution. What about him bringing a friend and can move be done to find a trip with a range of activities for different ages. They do become a little tricky to cater for as young teens. I gave mine some very stern talkings to about complaining. Also if he wants to watch screens and it keeps the peace I would give him some time to do that

To add, my older DC got 7,8, and 9s at GCSE and now have degrees and good careers. Youngest is forecast the same for his GCSEs next year so taking them out of school for a holiday once a year had little impact!

I am crossing fingers that her responses are simply a doubling down defensive panic to be right, rather than what she actually thinks.

Disney - at this age you need to manage expectations and what his friends may have already done. So knowing in advance where you were staying and why.

Disney - I think you were naive to expect to stay together, at his age I'd have been very bored hanging around with toddlers (who have their Dads attention all week).
Tenerife - he could easily be someone who finds that sort of holiday torture.

I'm not saying he acted well but limited expectations, accepting he needs 1:1 with his Dad and planning a holiday with some things he can definitely look forward to all help.

Hope so or she is clearly in the midst of a blended family situation and feels the same way about SS either way it’s worrisome