I don’t want to do another holiday with DSS

[Penelopevoncleef]

Simple as what the title says. Whether I get bull dozed for this or not but I’m at the end of my tether

quick background, me & dh share two toddlers age 3 & 2 and he has DSS age 9 who is with us EOW. We love our holidays abroad and work very hard to save up for them. DSS has always been on every holiday with us and never missed school as we make sure it’s not term time when we book. In all the years I’ve known him, he has never once been abroad with his mum or even anywhere in the UK. So all his holidays abroad and UK have been with us.

so the last couple of years our holidays have been tricky with DSS and to be honest I find him ungrateful. Last year over the Christmas holidays we were very kindly treated to Disneyland Paris off my parents who’d had a pay out. It was what they wanted to spend the money on and they booked and paid for the whole thing, including our spends (we provided the children’s spends for things like toys/ keepsakes).
anyway DSS behaviour was diabolical, the first kick off was when we arrived at our hotel to find my parents had booked us to stay at the Cheyenne and not the marvel hotel. I just want to add he hasn’t shown interest in Spider-Man for 2 years now. They booked the Cheyenne because it was all they could afford given the amount of people they were paying for, not the theming. I felt really sad for my parents for this. Then following that it was 3 days of complaining and moaning about being bored, wanting to go on all the big rides but there were huge queues and didn’t want to wait, constantly demanding food and drinks. Just blatantly ungrateful. So after day 1 I had to say to dh, for all our sake, that we would separate and I would go off and do all the ‘baby stuff’ with the little ones so DSS wasn’t bored. We managed to salvage the trip and my toddlers loved it, but they kept asking where daddy was and dh was upset he missed them meeting Woody and going on the rides with them. In those circumstances I didn’t know what to do for best, I didn’t want the trip to be ruined and I wanted everyone to enjoy it as much as possible. My toddlers can’t go on the big rides and DSS hasn’t got the patience or tolerance for jointing in the smaller rides or meeting characters and watching parades.

anyway this brings me to our Easter holiday - this year we went to Tenerife and honestly I was dreading it. And I wasn’t wrong to feel like that. I basically spent 10 days with my toddlers by myself - one of which still had a nap so I had to co ordinate that too whilst still entertaining the older one in the baby pool. DSS was in a constant sulk, it was too hot, air con was too cold, food wasn’t nice, pool was boring, Wi-Fi wasn’t good enough, wanted to sit in the hotel room a lot, in the end it honestly wasn’t work the sulking or the kick off when trying to be strict with him. dh ended up following him around and I was with our toddler on my own which was bloody hard work. Also he was very unkind to my 3 year old who was ‘getting on his nerves’ and flung all of his toy fish into the pool when he was playing at the side.

im honestly don’t work working really hard and paying half towards these holidays and not enjoying it. I don’t think I’m selfish in feeling like that. My dh has said he now feels the same and starting to resent DSS coming away with us. He feels like he never gets to spend time with his other children. We just feel it’s not right to take our other two children away and leave him at home with his mum who never has and probably never will take him anywhere.

has anyone else ever been in this situation? What did you do?

Have you considered taking a couple (smaller) holidays a year. Some that don’t include DSS and some that do so your little ones get their much needed holiday time with their dad. If not maybe move to an every other year approach with DSS?

Also, OP is paying half, same as DSS' dad, not the whole lot.

It really does! We travelled to Aus to visit my sister & flight for 3 people was very expensive , I’m not paying that for 2 kids I don’t know.

It sounds like DH is going to have to start parenting his son, it sounds like it would do both of them some good!

@Bustabloodvessel how don't you know your stepchildren

Of course it's relevant. This child only sees his father 52 days in the year plus holidays.

Why do people think EOW is 52 days per year?? 52 days per year works out as 4.33 (?) days per month. EOW with step children is often Thurs or Fri til Monday morning plus a midweek night. Its not just the 2 days per fortnight that's being suggested here.

But the OP says she and her husband are paying for half of the holiday each! If he takes two of his children on holiday and leaves one at home, then he's a scumbag. Honestly, he sounds like a dreadful father from what the OP's posted.

This was discussed and the conclusion was it was every other weekend, not every other week.

I'm sure the OP would have taken every opportunity to correct it [paint herself and her husband in a better light] if he does actually see his son 50% of the time.

Not that seeing the boy 50% of the time actually makes the father and OP any more reasonable in their whinging.

They should be, definitely. The person who is acquiring stepchildren should be prepared to take them on full time if the need arose.

I know them just not well. When I met my now husband they lived in a different country & the court process took a couple of years to resolve & even afterwards it was difficult for him. Like I said previously not everything is black & white

My biological 9 year old has ruined every holiday we’ve been on from around the age of 5 with constant tantrums. We only go away on very short breaks now and pretty close to home. So my advice would be fit your husband to do similar. He takes his son away somewhere on a short break where they can enjoy themselves and you do whatever you want to do with the young children separately.

How does your h deal with his son’s bad behaviour?

If he was my son I’d talk to him very sharply about gratitude, manners and being considerate, and if it didn’t improve I wouldn’t invite him on the next holiday.

or you could take the soft approach. Say you’ve noticed he’s really grumpy and negative, what’s wrong? Take it from there.

But at 9 he’s perfectly old enough to know that holidays are expensive and looked forward to, and he shouldn’t be a dick.

The children being part of your relationship doesn’t need to be on a practical basis. They are though an emotional part, as your partner is their father and that presumably forms an important part of who he is: you marry that dynamic and that fatherhood can take many forms. But if a man has kids and simply doesn’t see them as any part of his life at all, even a difficult part, poor children.

I get that you want to create a specific angle on this but there isn’t one. I think a practical relationship is fairly important if you’re spending time with them 🙄 I’ll emotionally invite them on holiday with me 15 years ago..

I’m pointing out that when you marry someone with kids, you take those children into your life, even if that becomes a difficult and distant part of your life. If you have the sort of relationship where they are coming on holiday with you then you are going as a family, not as separate units.

I admit it makes little impact on your personal holiday arrangements though as neither of you are going away with them. And we’ve done the court stuff. I get that there are many shades of grey.

That’s the thing there’s many different scenarios & shades of grey. My husband’s kids lived abroad when I met him & once he had court ordered time with them it was virtually impossible. I have still inly met them a handful of times. So to include them on a holiday which costs a lot of money & be expected to pay for them is just ridiculous imo. I refuse to accept that I must have to include/invite them when I barely know them hence us going when they were in school or not telling them. Not everyone’s story is the same.

And my point is more that if they ARE coming with you, they are coming with both of you and the family is a unit. I didn’t actually comment on your original post although I think people would have found it less sad if you’d added a bit of context. I think if they came to Australia with you then yes, you are all together, presumably because conversations would have happened to make that situation happen.

Marrying someone with kids means they will be part of your life from then on, even if that part of your life is an absence that is felt.

I understand & appreciate what you’re saying but in reference to the op..she is not unreasonable to not want her ss to go on holiday with them. Her husband & child are a family & she deserves a happy holiday not a stressful one. I don’t think she should feel guilty at all for feeling the way she does or for going away without him.

And we need to agree to differ. Her SS IS her family in my eyes.

He really isn’t. Not when it comes to children..absolutely not

Again, we just need to disagree.

In my opinion you do not shack up with a man with kids then refuse to include them. Oh so he left them in another country. Classy

For you maybe. For me, my step children ARE ABSOLUTELY my family.

No his ex took them to another country

Some really odd cold women on this thread. I’m leaving it do not want to hear another word.