I don’t want to do another holiday with DSS

[Penelopevoncleef]

Simple as what the title says. Whether I get bull dozed for this or not but I’m at the end of my tether

quick background, me & dh share two toddlers age 3 & 2 and he has DSS age 9 who is with us EOW. We love our holidays abroad and work very hard to save up for them. DSS has always been on every holiday with us and never missed school as we make sure it’s not term time when we book. In all the years I’ve known him, he has never once been abroad with his mum or even anywhere in the UK. So all his holidays abroad and UK have been with us.

so the last couple of years our holidays have been tricky with DSS and to be honest I find him ungrateful. Last year over the Christmas holidays we were very kindly treated to Disneyland Paris off my parents who’d had a pay out. It was what they wanted to spend the money on and they booked and paid for the whole thing, including our spends (we provided the children’s spends for things like toys/ keepsakes).
anyway DSS behaviour was diabolical, the first kick off was when we arrived at our hotel to find my parents had booked us to stay at the Cheyenne and not the marvel hotel. I just want to add he hasn’t shown interest in Spider-Man for 2 years now. They booked the Cheyenne because it was all they could afford given the amount of people they were paying for, not the theming. I felt really sad for my parents for this. Then following that it was 3 days of complaining and moaning about being bored, wanting to go on all the big rides but there were huge queues and didn’t want to wait, constantly demanding food and drinks. Just blatantly ungrateful. So after day 1 I had to say to dh, for all our sake, that we would separate and I would go off and do all the ‘baby stuff’ with the little ones so DSS wasn’t bored. We managed to salvage the trip and my toddlers loved it, but they kept asking where daddy was and dh was upset he missed them meeting Woody and going on the rides with them. In those circumstances I didn’t know what to do for best, I didn’t want the trip to be ruined and I wanted everyone to enjoy it as much as possible. My toddlers can’t go on the big rides and DSS hasn’t got the patience or tolerance for jointing in the smaller rides or meeting characters and watching parades.

anyway this brings me to our Easter holiday - this year we went to Tenerife and honestly I was dreading it. And I wasn’t wrong to feel like that. I basically spent 10 days with my toddlers by myself - one of which still had a nap so I had to co ordinate that too whilst still entertaining the older one in the baby pool. DSS was in a constant sulk, it was too hot, air con was too cold, food wasn’t nice, pool was boring, Wi-Fi wasn’t good enough, wanted to sit in the hotel room a lot, in the end it honestly wasn’t work the sulking or the kick off when trying to be strict with him. dh ended up following him around and I was with our toddler on my own which was bloody hard work. Also he was very unkind to my 3 year old who was ‘getting on his nerves’ and flung all of his toy fish into the pool when he was playing at the side.

im honestly don’t work working really hard and paying half towards these holidays and not enjoying it. I don’t think I’m selfish in feeling like that. My dh has said he now feels the same and starting to resent DSS coming away with us. He feels like he never gets to spend time with his other children. We just feel it’s not right to take our other two children away and leave him at home with his mum who never has and probably never will take him anywhere.

has anyone else ever been in this situation? What did you do?

Does she? She and the boy’s dad and even HER parents have tried including him and he has spoiled every single trip. If he behaved himself she wouldn’t be starting a thread! But he won’t and is ruining a long awaited holiday that the adults have saved up for.

Could he bring a friend or cousin so someone similar age? Also he would likely behave better

Nope, but if I had step children, I would
make sure Included them!

Not at your expense you wouldn’t

So you pay for your own child to do things but leave your step child out completely?

I agree that it's an age gap thing as much as anything else but the boy doesn't see his dad all that much and probably gets all excited about how he imagines the holiday will be with his dad, forgetting he still has to share him with 2 much younger half siblings whose needs are very different. Instead of long holidays which end up being disappointing for you all can your DH not carve out a bit of father and son time on their own? Take him away for a long weekend to do something much more in his age range? Tbh I think if you have a child who is perennially a whingebag on holiday and who ruins it for everyone else, if you had the option to leave them behind with family, you probably would. They might not be happy about it but then they wouldn't be happy going either.

Split the budget the princess would not split the budget. Judging by attitude wouldn’t be surprised if she was involved in the boys parents split. Some real arsehole woman out there.

but the boy doesn't see his dad all that much and probably gets all excited about how he imagines the holiday will be with his dad, forgetting he still has to share him with 2 much younger half siblings whose needs are very different

He can hardly forget he has to share his father given the other children see their father 365 days a year to his 52

Tbh I think if you have a child who is perennially a whingebag on holiday and who ruins it for everyone else, if you had the option to leave them behind with family, you probably would.

Indeed why not? His father manages to not see him for over 300 days a year- another 14 won't make any difference and OP and his father can carry on playing happy families.

Fgs- He's 9 years old- from what the OP has said it's not difficult to understand why he's unhappy.

You're not his mother, and it's fine not to want to go on holiday with him. It is NOT fine for his OWN FATHER not to want to go on holiday with him. What a horrible thing for his father to admit to.

"He feels like he never gets to spend time with his other children." You mean, except most of the rest of the year?

Toddlers give zero fucks about Tenerife, so have a toddler based holiday instead nearer to home, far cheaper and let your husband's son come. Be the adult and be nice to him, even if you don't really want to. I have no doubt at all he has picked up on your dislike.

You and your husband can then use the money saved to go away for a week somewhere together, if you can get family to watch the toddlers.

He's 9 years old. Cannot imagine not being able to feel any compassion at all for a 9 year old boy.

Yes, I would, have and still do. My step children were always included because I’ve been that step child, where the step mother is vile, and I definitely didn’t want that for them, or me. I also wouldn’t entertain a man who thought excluding his children in this way was acceptable. It’s spineless and pathetic, a total turn off.

@Sherararara Eh? No they are not. They are half-siblings.

Yeah we established that about 12 hrs ago. Try and keep up.

I would have two, cheaper holidays. One just you three and the other with DSS too. Holiday in the Uk, we did when ours were small. Fuck having to save for a mediocre experience.

what they didn’t know didn’t hurt them, they lived over 400 miles away, I’m not paying or holidaying with any kids (or any person) I barely see & I’m definitely not paying for them esp as we didn’t go on cheap package holidays or holiday in UK. It’s irrelevant now anyway as they’re adults but I never regretted it & nor should I, I don’t want my holidays ruined by other peoples kids & I have nothing but wonderful memories. Life’s too short for putting up with unhappiness & discomfort

9 yr olds can be annoying. The good news is if they are annoying at that age, they are less likely to remain so as teens.

Of course a 9 yr old doesn’t want to be dragged round “Its a small world” and yes it’s common for the responsible adult - that would be the DH here - to have a queueing strategy planned in advance, or just fork out for fast passes. I find it strange for a Disney break that he didn’t go to the bother of showing his DS the accommodation in advance. Seems like the DH just left all the organising to his DW who of course focused it on the much younger DCs, and then was shocked when his DS played up.

I think OP it’s fair enough if it’s your families money to go out of school holidays whilst you can and not take DS, but to remember that DS is a child and your DH is an adult who should spend time with his son, even if it’s not that enjoyable for him and his DS behaviour is not being curated or managed by a woman. He needs to step up and parent not moan to you about his own DS, a separate trip for the two of them would help.

But this could happen if he was your child. When kids are different ages and have different interests, parents often end up doing different things on holiday. If he was your child, you wouldn't think, oh well we'll just leave him at home next time. And this is at the root of the problem. Your dss knows he's "different"; he knows he's not going to be treated like your children. You would never suggest leaving your own children behind. I guess there's probably simmering resentment about the whole situation.

Also, the amount of times I've been away with my own kids and thought: I'm not bloody doing this again! Kids can be hard work. But you don't have the option of just leaving one of them at home to make ot easier.

I have SD, and while my husband and I don’t have children together yet, we’ve had a few challenging holidays -moodiness, constant complaining, and the face like thunder.

The good thing is, her dad doesn’t let it slide. He addressed it head-on, and I didn’t even need to step in. He told her clearly: holidays are for everyone, not just her. We both work incredibly hard to afford these trips, and not every child is lucky enough to travel abroad. She doesn’t get to dictate when we go to the pool or how much time we spend on a lounger, or what we do in general. We decided together so everyone gets to do what they like.
And honestly? I think kids need to learn how to entertain themselves when they’re bored. Too often, parents jump in and frantically try to keep them occupied, but boredom can actually be good for them. It pushes them to be creative, resourceful, and more independent in the long run.

She was told, in no uncertain terms, that her behavior was ungrateful. We explained what that meant, and made it clear that if it carried on, next year’s destination would be Bognor...not exactly her dream getaway. She damn right knew we meant it, and that was enough to turn things around.

@ProfessionalOverthinker1 I agree.

I'm quite disappointed to see how many people say 'that's nine year olds'.

I've got a five year age gap between mine and they've always managed. My son knows there are things for his sister that he will have to sit at the side for and similarly she's spent five hours in a railway museum (which she thoroughly enjoyed finding things she wanted to show her brother because she knows he likes them).

He likes to show her things he liked and see her enjoy them too. Perhaps this will come once they are slightly older.

I also don't think the specialness of the holiday is judged by the price tag. If dad and son spend quality time camping, kicking a football, doing an assault course together it might be much nicer for the type of nine year old boy bored by Disney land or eating out. Suggestions to try other things aren't unreasonable. Other posters may not like the idea of camping but they are also not nine year old boys.

Does one of your children only see their father 52 days in the year?

@FiveBarGate I think plenty of us have said both that nine year olds can be like this AND that parenting plays a part in how that plays out. A nine year old acting out his unhappiness at feeling left out and insecure and then just being left to hang himself on it, basically, with the adults around him saying how awful he’s being and they don’t want him around is NOT the same as a nine year being moody who is told that this isn’t acceptable with clear boundaries but also given a bit of reassurance that they are loved and wanted in the family are two different things.

Nine is so young and behaviour is communication.

@FiveBarGateYou’re forgetting that this child doesn’t see his dad as much as he should. During those times why should he be put on the ‘subs bench’? End of the day, annoying or not, his dad isn’t doing enough. Not ops fault, but her husbands and his way of dealing with it? Ignore the problem ie leave his kid at home. What a lovely ‘dad’.