I don’t want to do another holiday with DSS

[Penelopevoncleef]

Simple as what the title says. Whether I get bull dozed for this or not but I’m at the end of my tether

quick background, me & dh share two toddlers age 3 & 2 and he has DSS age 9 who is with us EOW. We love our holidays abroad and work very hard to save up for them. DSS has always been on every holiday with us and never missed school as we make sure it’s not term time when we book. In all the years I’ve known him, he has never once been abroad with his mum or even anywhere in the UK. So all his holidays abroad and UK have been with us.

so the last couple of years our holidays have been tricky with DSS and to be honest I find him ungrateful. Last year over the Christmas holidays we were very kindly treated to Disneyland Paris off my parents who’d had a pay out. It was what they wanted to spend the money on and they booked and paid for the whole thing, including our spends (we provided the children’s spends for things like toys/ keepsakes).
anyway DSS behaviour was diabolical, the first kick off was when we arrived at our hotel to find my parents had booked us to stay at the Cheyenne and not the marvel hotel. I just want to add he hasn’t shown interest in Spider-Man for 2 years now. They booked the Cheyenne because it was all they could afford given the amount of people they were paying for, not the theming. I felt really sad for my parents for this. Then following that it was 3 days of complaining and moaning about being bored, wanting to go on all the big rides but there were huge queues and didn’t want to wait, constantly demanding food and drinks. Just blatantly ungrateful. So after day 1 I had to say to dh, for all our sake, that we would separate and I would go off and do all the ‘baby stuff’ with the little ones so DSS wasn’t bored. We managed to salvage the trip and my toddlers loved it, but they kept asking where daddy was and dh was upset he missed them meeting Woody and going on the rides with them. In those circumstances I didn’t know what to do for best, I didn’t want the trip to be ruined and I wanted everyone to enjoy it as much as possible. My toddlers can’t go on the big rides and DSS hasn’t got the patience or tolerance for jointing in the smaller rides or meeting characters and watching parades.

anyway this brings me to our Easter holiday - this year we went to Tenerife and honestly I was dreading it. And I wasn’t wrong to feel like that. I basically spent 10 days with my toddlers by myself - one of which still had a nap so I had to co ordinate that too whilst still entertaining the older one in the baby pool. DSS was in a constant sulk, it was too hot, air con was too cold, food wasn’t nice, pool was boring, Wi-Fi wasn’t good enough, wanted to sit in the hotel room a lot, in the end it honestly wasn’t work the sulking or the kick off when trying to be strict with him. dh ended up following him around and I was with our toddler on my own which was bloody hard work. Also he was very unkind to my 3 year old who was ‘getting on his nerves’ and flung all of his toy fish into the pool when he was playing at the side.

im honestly don’t work working really hard and paying half towards these holidays and not enjoying it. I don’t think I’m selfish in feeling like that. My dh has said he now feels the same and starting to resent DSS coming away with us. He feels like he never gets to spend time with his other children. We just feel it’s not right to take our other two children away and leave him at home with his mum who never has and probably never will take him anywhere.

has anyone else ever been in this situation? What did you do?

What did your partner think to all this? It comes across like you really resent them.

Well your partner sounds like a prince among men.

She comes across as the epitome of the evil step mother. Shudder

I have funded holidays for my stepchildren throughout their childhood and only stopped when they were too old for family holidays. They are part of my family and they are DH’s children so OF COURSE they came on holiday, even in their vaguely repellent years. Just as I am currently paying for my younger ones in the same era. We are choosing holidays that work for us all as much as possible and this summer are not going away at all but doing day trips as it suits the kids better right now, even though I’d love to go away properly. That will come again.

Can tell you don’t have kids. When they’re your own it’s different, yes they need resilience but their unhappiness really gets under the skin.

You do need a sense of when it's genuine unhappiness and when it's whinging though, as both exist, often together or within a few minutes of each other! My nine year old is currently hugely emotional over tiny things so I'm trying to understand what might be driving that whole state of events while also trying to get a sense of proportion into them over each little incident. And I am quite tough with whinging as it drives me crazy. It's a lot easier to do this with my own child rather than my stepchildren as I'm not worrying as much about the relationship, but I wouldn't ever have left them alone to cause themselves problem through their behaviour.

Agreed.

Your DH is a key factor here.

I think you need to present this to your DH as his issue to solve.

• When DSS comes he rules the roast and DH essentially gives him undivided 1:1 time
• You are not happy to continue to solo parent on holidays.
• What's his solve? Because this isn't happening again...

id be supremely fucked off about this and id be inclined to do 2 things

1. Get DH to take both toddlers solo for a weekend ot two and do not prep to "help" and see how he finds it
2. If needed I'd look at going on holiday with my parents and the kids

Does your child only see his father 52 days in the year?

No, of course not. But why is that relevant? I'm pointing out that nine year olds can be genuinely unhappy and also tricky at the same time, and spending time with them to understand what is going on, and parenting that appropriately, is important. You don't just decide their behaviour is 'ruining things' and write them off for it.

Sometimes you need to give boundaries and moderate things, other times you need to give them a giant hug. You need to see them as people and not inconveniences, and accept that sometimes the people you love behave in ways you're not keen on. All of that.

I think most of us posting on here can quite see some of the reasons the OP's stepson is acting out, and it's also possible that there's an element of nine year old awkwardness - growing up fast, hormones, feeling like not wanting to be a baby but not wanting to be seen as not a child any more - which can play out in behaviour that does need a bit of a word. But the OP doesn't seem to be seeing any of this from her posts. Parenting toddlers has a lot of challenges but I suspect most of us would look back and recognise that, emotionally, it's the easier bit of the job.

I can assure you that when we have children together, our approach won’t change. Besides SD lives with us :) we are not weekend only parents.

Taking children on holiday, especially abroad, is a privilege. It’s a generous, thoughtful gesture, one that not every family can offer. It’s a chance to relax, to see the world, to experience something new. And we believe that holiday is for everyone: for the parents who’ve worked incredibly hard to make it possible, and for the child who might have had a long school year, a tough patch emotionally, or just needs a break too.
But of course the kids don’t always see it that way in the moment and still act out on holiday. They get tired, overstimulated, or frustrated and yes, sometimes they really do get under your skin. But that’s where parenting matters most. It’s not about giving in just to keep the peace. It’s about using those moments, however inconvenient or irritating, to teach resilience, patience, and emotional regulation. It’s not always easy but that’s the work. Saying “no,” setting limits, and expecting them to entertain themselves at times or not have every request granted whether it’s another funfair, a specific meal, or non-stop pool time, doesn’t mean they’re unhappy even tho it feels like that to them in that moment. It means they’re learning that the world doesn’t cater to their every demand, and that happiness can exist even within boundaries. And it’s up to us, as parents, to help them understand that.

I’d be breaking up the holidays too. Don’t be spending a fortune on a rubbish experience for everyone just because some random person on MN huffed about how awful you must be.
Over here, my DSD gets her holiday with her mum and my DH takes her away for a long weekend once a year too, just the two of them. So there are exactly zero issues with the main family holiday (which is the only one I and our two shared DC get) being primarily focused on the little ones. They are not more important than her, but they are not less important either.

Oh @Penelopevoncleef sorry you've had to go through this. Painfully common.

Would DH take his son away on a 'boys trip' somewhere DSS would enjoy? They could have QT and do whatever DSS and DH enjoy.

Then you could go away as a 4 and do things the little ones would enjoy. SS would be in school and you could explain that it would be too babyish for him and you didn't think he'd enjoy it??

I tend to agree with this comment. If it was your own child you’d give them a bollocking/tell them not to be such a brat and think themselves lucky they’re on a lovely holiday when some children have never even had one. But because they’re not your child, you cannot do this, it falls to the dad, who is usually pandering to them. My dh still tip toes around dsd and I think he always will.

But the OP's DH very much IS the parent of this child and seems to be just falling into step with the desire to go away without him. It's him that is letting everyone down here, not a nine year old.

I wasn’t saying it about op. I was saying it about the pp that I directly quoted 🤦‍♀️

Maybe he is being a typical male that cba to parent his child then so thinks it’s easier to just go away without him? I don’t know, all I know is it’s hard being a step parent and having all these expectations from the real parents but not actually allowed to say anything when they’re being bratty.

You and your DH sound awful. Stop bitching about a little boy and coming up with excuses and justifications to exclude him from holidays.

And all this faux worry because your DH didn’t get to witness his younger DCs meeting a Disney character or whatever it was. Get a grip.

I'd like to think a typical male is not so crap. But the OP's annoyance should be at him and not his child. Although it does seem from her posts that his mere existence, which then causes totally normal logistical issues around age gaps and activities that are not of his making, also riles her. That may be unfair, but it's how it reads.

Well yes and then being surprised that a 9 year old wants to do age appropriate rides with his DF and doesn’t have the “patience” am quoting OP here, to watch/enjoy rides and parades aimed at younger DCs. Sounds like the DF just couldn’t be bothered actively parenting his own DS.

I’ve been on Mumsnet long enough to know that most males really really cba with parenting, as sad as that is, it’s the truth. Us women do the lions share.
haven’t seen ops other posts so can’t comment on that. My point really was step parents can’t treat stepkids the way our own would be treated when being ungrateful, I know I don’t take that spoilt behaviour from my child (who does do it btw he’s a kid afterall they all have their moments) because it’s not our place, but doing everything for them is okay in the dads eyes, but don’t you dare tell them off

No, YOU sound awful.

Wrong

Much better that he be locked in the under stairs cupboard without any dinner, obviously 🙄

Always astounds me how much some MNers seem to have zero empathy for children and young people

Perhaps if the dad parented properly and made time for his oldest child that child would not need to kick off??

I also don't think the specialness of the holiday is judged by the price tag.

Then why doesn't the OP take her children on a cheap holiday, and her husband takes his son abroad? Come on, that would never happen.

It's exactly how it reads.