I don’t want to do another holiday with DSS

[Penelopevoncleef]

Simple as what the title says. Whether I get bull dozed for this or not but I’m at the end of my tether

quick background, me & dh share two toddlers age 3 & 2 and he has DSS age 9 who is with us EOW. We love our holidays abroad and work very hard to save up for them. DSS has always been on every holiday with us and never missed school as we make sure it’s not term time when we book. In all the years I’ve known him, he has never once been abroad with his mum or even anywhere in the UK. So all his holidays abroad and UK have been with us.

so the last couple of years our holidays have been tricky with DSS and to be honest I find him ungrateful. Last year over the Christmas holidays we were very kindly treated to Disneyland Paris off my parents who’d had a pay out. It was what they wanted to spend the money on and they booked and paid for the whole thing, including our spends (we provided the children’s spends for things like toys/ keepsakes).
anyway DSS behaviour was diabolical, the first kick off was when we arrived at our hotel to find my parents had booked us to stay at the Cheyenne and not the marvel hotel. I just want to add he hasn’t shown interest in Spider-Man for 2 years now. They booked the Cheyenne because it was all they could afford given the amount of people they were paying for, not the theming. I felt really sad for my parents for this. Then following that it was 3 days of complaining and moaning about being bored, wanting to go on all the big rides but there were huge queues and didn’t want to wait, constantly demanding food and drinks. Just blatantly ungrateful. So after day 1 I had to say to dh, for all our sake, that we would separate and I would go off and do all the ‘baby stuff’ with the little ones so DSS wasn’t bored. We managed to salvage the trip and my toddlers loved it, but they kept asking where daddy was and dh was upset he missed them meeting Woody and going on the rides with them. In those circumstances I didn’t know what to do for best, I didn’t want the trip to be ruined and I wanted everyone to enjoy it as much as possible. My toddlers can’t go on the big rides and DSS hasn’t got the patience or tolerance for jointing in the smaller rides or meeting characters and watching parades.

anyway this brings me to our Easter holiday - this year we went to Tenerife and honestly I was dreading it. And I wasn’t wrong to feel like that. I basically spent 10 days with my toddlers by myself - one of which still had a nap so I had to co ordinate that too whilst still entertaining the older one in the baby pool. DSS was in a constant sulk, it was too hot, air con was too cold, food wasn’t nice, pool was boring, Wi-Fi wasn’t good enough, wanted to sit in the hotel room a lot, in the end it honestly wasn’t work the sulking or the kick off when trying to be strict with him. dh ended up following him around and I was with our toddler on my own which was bloody hard work. Also he was very unkind to my 3 year old who was ‘getting on his nerves’ and flung all of his toy fish into the pool when he was playing at the side.

im honestly don’t work working really hard and paying half towards these holidays and not enjoying it. I don’t think I’m selfish in feeling like that. My dh has said he now feels the same and starting to resent DSS coming away with us. He feels like he never gets to spend time with his other children. We just feel it’s not right to take our other two children away and leave him at home with his mum who never has and probably never will take him anywhere.

has anyone else ever been in this situation? What did you do?

DH didn’t miss out on family time as he was with his son 🙄

I do feel sorry for him. If he’s only seeing his dad and his siblings/stepmum twice a month he must feel like an interloper just passing through when you’re all together. He wants to join in the holiday because most kids want to go on holiday and he probably wants to fit in with you all. It’s a shame that he’s not living up to your expectations. It’s a very sad state of affairs that his dad is also expressing that he doesn’t want him to join you. How lovely to be able to opt out of parenting in that way…

I feel sorry for the 9yo- I have one that age and while they will seem massively more grown up than your toddlers, they still haven’t got a handle on emotions. Let’s be honest at this point, every other weekend is shit and his dad is as part time as it’s possible to be really without being absent. The 9yo likely wont have the patience with the little ones as not exposed to them every day. I’m not sure many people would love holidaying with toddlers that aren’t their own.

On your Tenerife holiday, a kids club would have been helpful for the 9yo to meet peers. You didn’t mention that. I can imagine they were a bit bored because of the level of supervision the younger ones would have needed in the pool.

Splitting up is very normal. When I went to DlP with a 3 and 5 yo we still ended up splitting up as the older one could do more and had more stamina. At a recent break when they were 6 and 8 we again did different activities due to height difference and capability. It is very normal to have to split up sometimes to accommodate the needs and differences between children. You are being very unreasonable if you think the 9yo should have to always do the baby stuff with the toddlers.

If he’s being rude, his dad needs to tackle it but from what you’ve said, it doesn’t really sound like you are both planning with his needs in mind so a bit of frustration is going to be inevitable.

We’ll probably never know as it seems unlikely that op will return but why has everyone assumed it is every other weekend rather than every other week that the op meant by “EOW”?

He sounds like a very unhappy little boy and it's no wonder because the adults who are supposed to be caring for him don't seem to be able to see things from his perspective.

He barely sees his dad, EOW is shit. So when he finally gets to spend more time with his dad on a holiday, it revolves around his shiny new family with little to no consideration towards him. He isn't a toddler, of course he isn't going to tolerate toddler activities.

Some of his behaviour could've been completely avoided too if he was just made aware of things and knew what to expect such as knowing which hotel it would be in DLP.

I feel incredibly sorry for him, especially his own father now agreeing that he shouldn't go on holiday. He barely sees him as it is.

@SemperIdem EOW is normal shorthand for every other weekend. Every other week is normally stated to be 50:50

He's probably acting up because you've taken a 9 year old to Disney Land - a park aimed at children - and not let him go on rides while he instead has to trail around with adults (who are not enjoying themselves and don't seem to want to be around him) and 2 toddlers (who are too young to do anything there or even remember it). Of course he wanted the Marvel-themed hotel room, he's 9. Probably feels like none of this holiday was for him really.

The lack of gratitude is one thing, and his whole attitude definitely needs addressing. But you want to act as though this kid isn't your family now too. Sometimes older kids are disruptive, especially when their place of main focus of attention is threatened by younger, more needier siblings. The solution isn't to exclude them from the rest of the family unless they do something a bit more problematic than throwing some toy ducks in a swimming pool.

I'd just stop having huge expensive holidays for now while your younger children won't miss out. The age difference and family dynamic you have is not suited for it and is causing you to resent this child.

Just go without dss I would and I wouldn’t even feel the slightest guilt

I think the instinct to not take him is understandable but if you have him every other weekend and he isn't being taken for these experiences otherwise then it might be worth trying one more time and talking to him beforehand about expectations. He's old enough to understand, and tbh he might even know his misbehaviour gets his 1/1 time with his dad at the expense of the other two, he may understandable harbour some jealousy that they have their dad all week etc.

Have your DH sit him down before next holiday and ask if he wants to come, and if he does, then he should ask some calm questions that help him understand how his behaviour has impacted the holiday in the past and why that might be. He needs firm rules about complaining incessantly and not being a team with the family, just as you guys should account for hisbage he should account for the younger siblings too, as he'd have to if he was their full sibling and lived with you and his dad 100% of the time.

It's his age and the age gap.

He will be bored if you've got to cater a holiday for toddlers too. Regarding complaining about waiting in lines, that's perfectly normal... Waiting in line with my DC nearly killed me, they complained so much!! It's all normal, annoying but normal.
Also, keep in mind your DSS only sees his dad 2 days out of 14, your DC see him every day (I'm assuming) so a holiday together is important.
Can you go somewhere with a kids club or water park style slides, this may ease the demand.

I really can't imagine leaving a DC at home and going on holiday with their siblings.

If you really want too, do a holiday with the toddlers then something cheaper together. DSS deserves a holiday too, especially if he doesn't seem to have one with his mum.

EOW is shitty for a 9yo who probably misses his dad, who seems so happy with his new kids who get to live with him :(

I would not take him on holiday, but i would be encouraging his dad to spend 1 on 1 time with him on a separate holiday or at least days out if he doesnt like holidays at the moment. Otherwise, you're just plain old leaving him out and making it worse.

Hmm. You have used EOW on other posts to mean every other weekend and you have used 50/50 to describe other arrangements, so how odd you would say that.

🧦

If you and DH take the toddlers away during term time, then it will be cheaper and you can do something age appropriate for the toddlers and focus on the toddlers. But DH also needs to find ways to spend quality time with his DS9, prioritise his DS9 and also for your DSS9 to spend time with his half brothers and make sure he is bonding with them and feeling like a family.

No, they will be her children, so it will be different.

He sounds unhappy. How can a 9 year old " be grateful". He's got stuck in moan mode and can't get out of it.
Very irritating for you though.

DSS only sees his dad EOW and when there’s a family holiday his dad complains about not being with the younger siblings who live with him all the time. There must be a better solution. Let DH take his son separately.

Honestly - as others have said - I’d take the toddlers somewhere during term time. Then, with the money you save, let DH take his son for a break on his own somewhere. Likely to be a much better scenario for all concerned. And you can “sell” it to DS as more fun for him/not constrained by the little ones etc, so hopefully he won’t feel left out and will feel like it’s a win for him too.

There's an age gap between mine and me and DH do have to split up a bit on holidays so the older DC can have some fun too rather than the toddler taking all the attention and all activities focused to them. We do also have time together as a family and the older ones manage fine. If they weren't managing fine it would be tough. They do need to compromise sometimes.
Could you be spending some time with your SS too whilst dad is with the toddlers? Stops dad missing out and also may help SS, he may feel like there is a divide and it's you and your biological children and he is separate from that family life.

What if this was OP's elder child? It sounds like spoiled behaviour and teen/just pre-pubescent tantrums. Naturally an older child doesn't want to tag along with toddlers! So if this was OP's and DH's other joint child they would split. Possibly DH can do some of the toddler stuff and OP take the DSS around to things he will enjoy? That's what you would do if no step arrangement was in place, after all. And please, no-one ask why OP should spend time with moody DSS, she's his step-mother and she has a relationship with him or should have.

What would you do if he was your son?
In Disneyland you would have likely switched age groups between you and husband taking turns. You wouldn't assume that a 7 years old should do baby rides out of gratitude to his dad for taking him on family holiday.
You truly come across as someone who treats this child as a nuisance in your life that should be gratefully accepting charity in a form of holidays. Where is your husband in all this?

Calm down Joe Goldberg. Not sure that required an advanced search.

I’ve been on here for years, EOW has been historically used on here to mean ‘every other weekend’. Newer posters, or just ones who haven’t posted about their blended families before/ read threads relating to blended families, may well use it to mean ‘every other week’, it makes just as much sense. Particularly as every other week arrangements have become more common in the last decade or so.

Oh I know, as stalker poster helpfully pointed out I use the terms as such on other threads. But every single op might not know this, could well use ‘EOW’ to mean week.

But as I said, doesn’t seem likely we’ll be enlightened on that front.

You've said 'he feels like he never gets to spend time with his other children'. He spends time with those children 365 nights a year presumably? Your DSS gets EOW which is 52 nights a year , with the added 2 week vacation that's 62 nights a year. 62 nights is a lot less than 365, and you want to reduce it further. Really think about that & think about what kind of a father would reduce his hours with his son even further. Not a good dad that's for sure.

Judging from your attititude to children, I feel maybe you should stop trying.

I am completely with the child on this one. My DD was pain in arse at 9/10 didnt want to do anything. We’ve just been for a drive to beach listening to music then to a park to sit and eat ice cream she would have huffed at that in the past.

My daughter was getting more and reluctant to go to her dads and he even called me and shes she is horrible just like you. Final straw my DD is old enough to decide and decide she would see her dad twice a week but would not sleep over. More and more has come out about how her and dad wife argue a lot she was made to feel she was spoiling plans by not wanting to go to things not for her age range. Now shes happy so yeah parents do have a hell of a lot to do with it. He would have be believe they were the perfect blended family and my child would not say anything but as she got older started speaking up.